I know how you guys are getting here…

… and I like it.

My favorite thing about WordPress is that they tell you the search engine terms that lead people to your website. First of all, genius. Second of all, hilarious. Most importantly, ridiculous.

Here’s a breakdown of how, exactly, my dear readers have been getting to me in recent days:

1. Searches for “Lady Gaga Marilyn Manson same person” or something along those very specific lines have netted a total of 24 visitors. Twenty four! So not only was this not as original of a thought as I previously expected (if you had been inside of my mind the first time I thought it whilst at a random party, you too would have thought I was geenz) but it is apparently not as far-fetched as expected either. We all kind of think Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson are the same person. I’d put a good three dollars on at least one of those visits being from Lady Gaga and/or Marilyn Manson. And three dollars to me is like, six million dollars to real people.

2. Searches for things involving the words “upside down” have netted 3 visitors. And not just any old search for “upside down”, but the following, very specific “upside down” things:

• “Upside Down Puke”
• “Upside Down Aquarium Secret”
• “Why Can’t Humans Survive Upside Down?”

I’d really like to search these myself, because why can’t humans survive upside down? Or can they? I hope so. More specifically, I hope it’s a super rare chromosomal abnormality that makes it so certain humans can survive upside down, and these humans are going to do well for themselves when the gravity on Earth goes laffy taffy and people will literally have to survive upside down. Or in the future when people fall out of their spaceship cars and have to survive upside down until the spaceship tow truck comes along and with all the traffic that’s going to be up there, geez, it could take a while.

Also upside down aquarium secret? I’ll assume this is from some sort of video game. Otherwise my goldfish has some explaining to do.

3. Three separate searches for the Half Ton Teen or the 650 Pound Virgin have led here. I remember mentioning these guys several times on Twitter, and so I can only assume my interest in TLC shows has wound up on this blog through osmosis. Also, having a tag called “obpleasity” was probably a big help. But yes, these ones made me particularly happy about the internet.

4. Two each for Tom Arnold and Viggo Mortensen. Now if only Tom Arnold and Viggo Mortensen would respond to my dinner party invitations, we might all have something to talk about. Besides “Carpool”, obvs.

5. Random faves: “catsuits”, “puke nauseous”, and “quite possumbly.” Because what is a blog without a good mention of skin-tight pleather, throwing up on many many (god, so many, I’m sorry) many occasions, and the punchline of a joke that is only slightly decent? Nothing, that’s what.

The statistical analysis part of my brain has convinced the other, more worldly parts of my brain that all of these random searches must mean I am really accomplishing my original goal: write some totally random stuff, have no specific theme at all, and someday, totally random people will find you in really weirdo ways. Although the statistical analysis part of my brain only got a 4 on the AP Statistics test, so it could be a whole point off of what it really means.

But that’s okay.

—— JOKE ALERT ——-

QUESTION: What is an Alaskan’s favorite porno?

ANSWER: Up the Asskimo.

ALTERNATIVES: Glacial Facials, The In-yo-tits (like the Inuits), Polar Opposites (also possibly a RomCom or buddy cop film, but in this case, a mixed race porno), Teabaggin’ (because who doesn’t love riding toboggans?)

Weird Things I’ve Learned at Work Recently

For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been doing research on celebrities (“work” is probably the most appropriate name for what I’m doing. Quotes included.) As such, I have collected a ton of totally random information about celebrities that I wish I could shake out of my head, but just can’t. In fact, these random facts are about the only thing I’m capable of remembering. Four years of college erased in several weeks of working.

1. First of all, the website www.celebheights.com exists and it’s exactly what it sounds like. And it’s not even definitive celeb heights – it is a database of what people THINK are the heights of celebrities past and present. Delightful.

2. David Bowie got punched in the face as a kid, which threw off his depth-perception for life. It’s also the reason why one of his eyes appears to be a different color than the other.

3. Ralph Fiennes is the 8th cousin of Prince Charles and, more importantly, is good friends with Jay-Z.

4. A kid from the last Harry Potter movie was murdered outside a bar? Uh… what?

5. Grace Slick was the first person to say the word “motherfucker” on live TV, all the way back in 1969 on the Dick Cavett Show. AKA she is an OG, duh.

6. Dr. Cuddy on House was a famous club kid in NYC in the 80s/possumbly 90s. Was friends with James St. James, was briefly mentioned in “Disco Bloodbath” as Lisa E., and was called one of the original ‘celebutantes’ by NYT. Now all she does is yell at House and not love him like she should.

7. Viggo Mortensen is an accomplished painter/poet/author. Go figs.

8. Gene Hackman has officially retired from acting. No word on coming out of retirement, as most famous people are wont to do.

9. Johnny Depp owns his own vineyard/winery/island. Though the vineyard/winery are not on the island.

10. All of the members of Kiss released solo albums on the same day in 1978, which counted as half an album each of their 5 album deal. Huge pre-orders followed by equally huge attempts to send them back. Ouch, Kiss.

Feeling enlightened? Me too.

A Topical Post about Newsworthy Affairs.

There has been a lot of news recently regarding Tiger Woods. Poor little guy, maybe getting hit in the head with a golf club, maybe just being in a weird accident, maybe getting with two hot chicks at the same time. I’m sure he’s okay because I am sure he is made of Kevlar. It would explain a lot.

But how is the rest of his species dealing with this crisis?

An Open Letter to the other Tigers of the world,

Dear Tigers,

Hi guys. It’s me, Sarah Hayden. You may have seen me seeing some of you when I went to like, a million zoos over the summer. There actually weren’t too many of you there, but maybe you heard about it. Maybe you read my blog. I don’t know why tigers do all day. What do you guys do all day? Go to the mall? Oh… MAUL things? Got it. Cool!

How are you? Are you upset about your friend Tiger Woods? I bet you read about that on your blogs. I just wanted to show some support for you, let you know that some of us regular people are thinking about you. I mean, I was a cat for Halloween, so you know. Some of my best friends are cats. Actually, that’s not true. They’re people. I hope that didn’t come off as facetious. I only meant to make you comfortable speaking with me, but now I feel as though I may have offended you. Man, the news is right. Racism is tough!

Have you guys thought about not being striped anymore? I mean, not to be rude, but orange and black stripes? A little gauche. You should check out what your bros in Siberia are doing – the all-white thing. It’s really fantast- oh, this is getting racist again. I’m not saying that white tigers are BETTER than regular tigers. I’m just saying maybe that color would suit you as well. Maybe it would help you get your confidence back, make you a little more blendy-inny than orange and black stripes. Although maybe orange and black is pretty blendy-inny in the jungle? I’m not totally sure, I’ve never been there. I’m from New Jersey. No, the good part of it. No, the part without all the hair gel. Yeah, that part.

I fear I’ve offended you again, tigers, I’m sorry. I’m just trying to say – if you need someone to talk to during this mess, you need a shoulder to cry on, I’m here for you. Like I said, I was a Halloween cat. I know what it’s like to be in your situation – people trying to hit you with golf clubs, getting gross animal guts under your claws, being on cereal boxes even on days when you’re like “no, maybe not today” – I get it. So, if you need to talk, just let me know. You can email me if you want, or just reply to my blog. Or maybe next time I go to the zoo (which might be pretty soon, let’s be real – I mean does this girl have a life or WHAT, am I right, tigers?) you can just kind of stare at me blankly like you hate your life, and I’ll know that that means you’ve heard me.

I got yo back, tigers.

Warm regards,

Sarah Hayden, Esq.

This Week in Pun Brainstorms

I spend a lot of my time thinking of puns for both business and pleasure (by business, I mean I do it at work fairly often).

This week, I had two fairly successful brainstorms with my roommate Kristin via gchat. Having spent the last two years of college speaking almost exclusively in puns with my roommate Patrick, it was nice to get back in the groove of extensive, fast-pace, word play.

Task One: Think of a name of a television show involving as many of the following traits as possible: procrastination, disdain for your friend, being trapped in a closet, the apocalypse, the future, suicide.

Elapsed Time: 40 minutes

Suggestions:

Purgastory
Too Loose Noose
Pull the Trigg..eh…
Limbo Akimbo
Limp Wrists, Limp Dicks
Schizofriendics
Suicide-by-side
Suistand By Me
Russian Coolette, Russian Rouldebt, Russian Foolettes, Russian To Let (something happen), Crushing Regret [a stretch, aware.]
Double Barrel Buddies
Shotgun Circle Jerks
Bullet’s Be Friends
Cock and Bullets
Sherlock and Load
Friendly Misfires
Gun Powdered Go-Nuts
A Salty Rifle, Assaulty Rivals
Puttin’ Off the Ritz, Puttin’ Off the Fists, Puttin’ Off the Fits (of Anger), Puttin’ Off the Slits, Puttin’ Off the Hits, Puttin’ Off the (River) Styx
Procrastobliteration
Laser Laterz
Blastphemous
Oblaterated
Blast Place Ribbon
Laserious Issues
Laser Heir Removal

Eventual Winner: Blast Man Standing

Task Two: Think of a punned out theme for a Holiday Housewarming Party

Elapsed Time: 11 minutes

Suggestions:

Joy to the World, Our House Has Come
Welcome to the Sleighborhood
Jingle Bell Block Party
Chestnuts Hosting on an Open Fire
God Rest Ye Merry Housewarming
Here We Come A’Haussailing
Grandma Got Rum Over By A Reindeer, Grandma Got Rum Over By A Grainalcoholdeer
Frosty Brews the Snowman
Feliz New-vidad
Rum Rum Brewdolph
Please Come (to our) Home for Christmas

Eventual Winner: Grandma Got Rum Over By A Reinbeer

Woof. That’s like, a pun a minute, give or take a couple pundred seconds. Some are terrible. Some are terribly delightful.

I am, as always available for pun challenges at all times. Also, if you own a weird greeting card company and are looking for an employee, I work cheap, particularly if you’re looking for gun and alcohol related puns/portmanteaus.

Lady Gaga can read your thoughts

…like, months before you have them.

Friends, I stand mistaken. Rather – I stand with some proof that most people would take as proof, but I’m going to take as evidence I can spin to still fit my conspiratorial theories. Mere days after first hypothesizing that perhaps Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson were the same person, I came across a remix of “Love Game” by Mr. Manson himself. Hypothetically, obvs.

Granted, this is not the official video, but worst case scenario, Gaga and Manson at least shook hands in the making of this song.

Also, this picture exists of them together:

Not incontrovertible, let's be real.

This all apparently happened in June-ish. To be fair, I don’t think anyone was really aware of how much Gaga was going to blow up in June. I mean, she was on Gossip Girl last week, guys. Girl’s gone wild!

So, for all intents and purposes, Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson are probably not the same person. Unless…

1. One of the above people is a stunt double. I hear that’s huge in the music biz.

2. That is not Marilyn Manson, but Pete Wentz.

3. That is not Lady Gaga, but Amy Winehouse.

4. Identical twins.

5. String theory.

BAM.

Is Lady Gaga actually Marilyn Manson?

An ill-researched comparison.

I have been introduced to the Lady Gaga “Bad Romance” video and my first instinct was, as it is with most things Gaga related – this is TERRIFYING.

And then I felt something deeper, something… familiar in weirdo dinosaur dance moves and big huge eyeballs (even more familiar than those weird shoe ads in Cosmo that have been big eye terrifying for years).

I realized it was the same feeling I used to get watching Marilyn Manson videos – the intrigue, the “I can’t tear my eyes away because if I do, Marilyn Manson may or may not jump through my TV and tear my eyes away for me.” The WTF moment before I knew what WTF moments were.

Observe (if you dare):

Now, not the greatest comparison, but I am too scared to look for anything else Marilyn Manson related right now – it’s dark out. But, my preliminary instincts are that Lady Gaga IS Marilyn Manson.

1. Has anyone seen Marilyn Manson recently? More importantly, has anyone ever seen Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson in the same place? Any TV sitcom enthusiast worth their weight in laugh tracks will tell you that two people who are actually the same person can’t be in the same room at the same time! It’s SCIENCE.

2. It is not easy to duplicate that glow in the dark tan – believe me, us nearbinos stick together, and it takes some real work to not go outside ever and still have the kind of exposure experienced by Manson in the 90s and Gaga in the now’s.

3. These videos are vaguely similar. Maybe not perfect duplicates, but don’t you think your musical stylings/visual instincts would change a little bit over the course of 10 – 15 years? The catchy drum beat, the kabillion costume changes, the running motif of metal in or around the mouth. It’s all there.

4. Look at that bone structure! Marilyn Manson used to heart dressing up in lady parts, and Lady Gaga is developing a strong interest in both flames and catsuits. Coincidence? Doubt it.

Q.E.D.

Lady Gaga = Marilyn Manson

This video changed my life

I am a big fan of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” There was a bit of a rough patch in the middle, 2nd – 3rd season area where it was too much “We’re improvising. Can you tell we’re improvising?” and “We can say ’shit’ on FX. Did you know we can say ’shit’ on FX?” and not enough just straight up terrible people doing terrible things.

This current season has come back to all of the glory of the 1st. I consistently laugh out loud (Lawling, I believe it’s called) while watching this show, even if I’m by myself, which is not lame, you jerks. Instead, I am just being provided with jokes that you cannot possibly avoid laughing at. Most notably during the episode “The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention” – I lost my shit when Charlie salted Gail the Snail.

This week, I was again presented with a roflcopter moment. Within the first 10 seconds of the episode. The Kitten Mittons infomercial is suddenly my favorite thing to happen on television this month. And makes me wish I had a cat and that kitten mittons were real so that I could buy some and outfit said cat and laugh all day long.

Please, for the love of all things tv, enjoy this.

Maybe the greatest food discovery known to man

This will not impress you if you don’t enjoy cream cheese as much as I do.

Are you hungry? Make a bagel and cream cheese.

NO, YOU’RE NOT DONE. I know you think you’re done, but you’re not. You’re close to done, but please, don’t miss this part.

Make a lunchmeat sandwich on top of your bagel and cream cheese. If you are not sure where to start with a sandwich, throw down some ham and American cheese. If you are feeling saucy, you can also add pepperonis to that sandwich, but that’s not a prerequisite in this case.

NO, YOU”RE NOT DONE. Seriously, there is one more step that’s going to take your sandwich sandwich from good to great.

Throw that sandwich squared into the toaster oven for like, 5 minutes. However long it takes to melt your USA Cheese.

NOW YOU ARE DONE.

You have to wait one second for it to cool and then take a bite. It will change your life. It’s like, cream cheese is the new mayonaise, but in a very different sort of way. Your double sammy is going to give you a double whammy in the mouth.

(This is not a great post. But seriously, cream cheese plus sandwich sandwiches have changed my earthly existence.)

————

Question: What college do cows want to go to?

Answer: USCHEESE.

Other acceptable punchlines: The Dairy Force Academy, Anything in the Midwest, Cows Can’t Go To College, They’re Cows.

The Case of the Unclaimed Vomit

In my effort to reinvigorate my abilities to “blog” and “document” and “beat the unemployment boredom”, this story is one I meant to write about a month ago, when it first happened and when it was still a big mystery. Correction: it still IS a big mystery, but not necessarily one that I think about anymore.

Which is probably good, because I believe I think about throw-up far too often.

The Crime Scene: Ms. Lady’s apartment. Ridge and Davis. Heavenston.

The Set Up: Several friends who have not seen each other in months, some in nearly a year, are gathered for a reunion of sorts. Like any good reunion, this reunion involves yelling and screaming into all hours of the morning and attempting to stay up drinking until 9 AM, when the Lady of the House has to leave to attend the first class of the school year. Flawed? Certainly. But some of us died trying. We made it pretty far into the night. Visits from other people we’ve known throughout our college years peppered the evening, replete with a lot of random pictures taken on a Nintendo DSi, of all things. There was singing. There was dancing. There was a secret tryst or three. There. Was. Chaos.

Circa 6 AM, all of the non-sleepover revelers had dispersed back to their selected homes and those left were the travelers staying over. We all survived another hour or two staying up. The Brothers Maguire passed out first. I stayed up with Ms. Lady until she actually did “pull herself together” (quotes because the effort was strong, but ultimately, not great) and go to class. Thus, I went to sleep around 9 AM, when she was gone and everyone else slumbering.

Dilemma: Sometime between that 9 AM parting and re-awakening around 1 PM to pee, someone in our midsts puked all over the bathroom.

And I don’t mean a little bit. I mean like, swamp conditions. You sunk my battleship sort of puke. It was everywhere. Too drunk/tired/confused/disgusted to do anything about it, I left it, used all of my leg muscles to pee without touching the puke, and went back to my spot on the futon.

Around 4 or 5 pm, everyone woke up and suddenly, the vomit was not as easy to ignore. This is a 3 BR, 1 Bath set-up, my friends. There is only so long that a bathroom can be out of commission with insides debris. After the Lady of the House cleaned up, the question still remained: who woke up in the middle of the night (or mid-morning, to most people), puked all over the place without waking anyone, left it without even an attempt to clean it, went back to bed, and then completely forgot about it?

The case was afoot.

Suspects:

1. Myself. I DIDN’T DO IT. Not only did I not eat enough to do all of that biz, I was asleep last, awake first, and apparently starting to sober up by the time 9 AM rolled around. Also I would’ve at least wiped the seat off. Probably would have left the peripheries as they were, but the seat would’ve been sittable.

2. Lady of the House. Doesn’t remember it. Went to class during the time that she would’ve puked. Although, curiously, she never made it to class and returned from her full day of classes circa 11 AM after giving up on going to class and having brunch with a homeless man instead. Curious indeed. She had the food. She had the time frame. But why wouldn’t she clean up her own bathroom? It doesn’t quite add up.

3. Brother #2. Passed out first, woke up last. Slept through at least 2 hours of conversation taking place right next to him. Didn’t feel this kid even roll over in his sleep on the futon, let alone get up and puke and come back down. Unlikely.

4. Brother #1. Our main suspect. Not the kind of kid who would ever clean up his own puke. Also definitely the kind of kid who pukes everywhere (one time while we were roommates he puked all over his bed and instead of cleaning it up, just put his sheets in a garbage bag and went back to sleep. Left the garbage bag in front of a fan to waft the smell throughout the rest of the house. Awesome). Spilled a glass of wine all over himself and the Lady’s bed and continued to sleep in it that very night. But does not remember vom-ing.

5. The roommate. This kid’s a wildcard. Everyone had just met him. He went to a bar for a long time and then came back – who knows what he could have eaten and dranken there? Pretty sure he puked at the bar though, so would he have had the stamina to continue to puke later in the evening? Seemed to stay in his bedroom throughout the evening. Claims it wasn’t him. Hard to tell.

6. The mystery roommate. In my four days at this apartment, I did not see the third roommate once. Is it possible that she came home for a few hours, puked, didn’t clean it up because she knew she could get away with it, and then left again? Possumbly. Sherlock Holmes wouldn’t rule it out, and neither will Sherlock Hayden.

Case Status: Still unsolved. No one will admit to it. The Lady of the House eventually cleaned it up (why was she so comfortable cleaning up the vomit unless it was her own HMMMM?) and the day continued eventually. All fingers point to Brother #1, even though he will deny it up and down. That shit-eating grin and past experience with projectile lots-of-things-ing in beds/bathrooms/bushes make it a little tough to believe this repeat offender.

All suggestions to solving the case welcome.

Understanding the Dirt Squirrel

When I was in Chicago last month, a turn of phrase was thrown into conversation maybe 5, 10 times. A minute.

That phrase? “Dirt Squirrel.”

The party of friends I was with refused to tell me what the phrase meant, but a quick look on Urban Dictionary informed me that on some level, I was meant to be offended and on another level, I was meant to take this word, celebrate it, and make it my own. Kind of like the n word I guess, but NOT AT ALL.

According to UrbanDictionary.com:

Dirt Squirrel

1. a female of questionable character

2. a female with a scandalous sexual past
3. a dirty dirty slut

Examples:

‘that fem be a dirt squirrel’
‘that girl is a dirt squirrel for sure!’

As far as I can tell and due to the circumstances in which I heard it (after some friends had spent the summer in upstate New York) I can only assume that this term originated in upstate New York. It is a fantastic term because you can tell what it means without having any idea what it means, really. I’m not sure if a dirt squirrel is a real animal, but part of me hopes so.

Go forth. Use “dirt squirrel.” Have a slutty male friend? Call them the male equivalent of a dirt squirrel, which is a male dirt squirrel. It is multi-faceted, multi-functional, and multi-super-fun-to-hear-in-a-sentence.