That’ll do, Glee.

30 09 2009

Glee is a phenomenon. Much like the plot of the show itself where the whole future of the glee club depends on making people think glee club is cool even though, by definition, it is not, the marketing campaign for Glee seems to be to convince everyone in the world that everyone in the world thinks it’s the coolest thing ever even though, by definition, it is not.

And it’s working.

I like Glee, don’t get me wrong. In a way that many hipsters are familiar with, the more I hear about everyone else liking Glee, the less I like it, unfortunately. And I am definitely no hipster. But I do still like it. Maybe when I first saw it I thought oh, there’s no way everyone in the world will look past all of these clear, character development problems. I’ll look past them, obvs, but not everyone in the world. Glee will get pretty good ratings and pretty good reviews, but everyone will have a problem with the characters, which will probably get improved in the second season, but maybe they won’t. But now, four episodes in, it seems like there are some serious problems with this show that no one seems to have a problem with. I blame it mostly on Twitter, where reading tweets from the Trending Topics section is basically like pouring malt liquor into your cranium – by reading what people write on Twitter, you’d think that no one had ever seen ANY television show before.

Glee is good, but it is not great. And I refuse to believe that I am the only one seeing these problems. I gave it a big ol’ chance and – I repeat – I do enjoy watching this show, but I cannot suspend my disbelief about the following things anymore:

1. That anyone would believe Kurt is straight. This is high school, y’all. There’s no chance in hell that someone who wears leather boots and knee-length cable-knit goes through the day to day without everyone in that school questioning  his sexuality. I would’ve allowed that his dad didn’t know (although, he did, which, props to him) but come on. Mercedes thinks he has a crush on her and wants to date him? Girl, get over it.

2. That a teacher-formed a cappella group would not be laughed off stage. Firstly, I don’t think there would be 5 gentlemen teachers in my high school that would’ve been able to form a functional a cappella. Secondly, if they did, everyone would be there to laugh at them, not WITH them.

3. That these student-teacher relationships are appropriate. Or really, student-everyone relationships. That Finn tells his Spanish teacher that his girlfriend is pregnant? Great. But I’m pretty sure teachers have an obligation to tell someone when there is a question of safety involved (aka, this baby’s safety) or at the very least, try and figure it out a little bit further instead of literally whispering about the situation in front of the whole glee club. He also had students over to his house to practice for Acafellas. Creepy. Inappropes. Then he tells his wife about it and she seeks out Quinn and shows up in her car and Quinn is barely – BARELY – creeped out? Come on.

4. That a man accused of sexually molesting someone would be allowed back into a high school – EVEN if the principal were trying to protect his own reputation. THERE IS NO CHANCE. Once this happened, I kind of stopped believing this show. That is a super serious accusation. Even if unfounded, he wouldn’t be let back in without a lawsuit. It happened on Degrassi. Snake couldn’t come back until he was cleared, fact. And since Degrassi is the most realistic show that I have ever seen in my life, sometimes more realistic than REALITY, than it stands to reason that this should not be happening on Glee.

5. That any school would allow a washed-up, boozed-out adult back into their school. They have the GED for a reason – so that gross, disgusting, hookers who are squatting in houses around town don’t actually come back into schools and interact with students. College, maybe. But not high school. I’m pretty sure our high school wouldn’t let anyone older than 19 be at school with children. Children. For plot? Fine. For life? Get out of my face.

I know that Glee is a subversion of real high school and it’s a satire and all kinds of five-dollar film analysis words. But if it’s going to be crazy, it needs to be totally crazy; having a couple of plot points that make literally no sense doesn’t work when the rest of the plot is supposed to be realistic. Go whole hog, or don’t. Your choice. I also understand that some of the insanity is what makes the show fun. But sometimes, all I can think about is how gross whatever is happening is. I mean, I don’t really want to get skeeved out by this show.

I’m hoping they’ll pull it together, either by becoming more believable, or by going off the deep end completely (because I fully believe this crazy bitch wife might nab a child in the finale). But as is, if they want to be more than just a cultural phenomenon for the huddled masses who also, by the way, like to tweet about misspelled things and whether Brazil loves Demi Levato or not, they need to pay attention to basic, character and plot construction.

Basically, tonight’s episode made me realize I have a lot of problems with Glee. And I don’t understand why more people don’t.





Top Ten Most Ridiculous Movies in my Possession

27 09 2009

Since I don’t want to do anything that I need to do to pack, I did the least important task first because it was going to be the most fun task.

Task: Organize all of the movies I own into two binders. No specific order. All labeled. It was quite a feat.

Realization: I have one of the most ridiculous collections of movies that has ever existed. The only saving grace is that most of the movies were free, a by-product of working on the last day that Village Video was in business. But seriously. I should be embarrassed.

The Most Ridiculous Movies in My Possession:

10. All You’ve Got – MTV made-for-tv movie about high school volleyball. Starring Ciara and Adrienne Bailon, so you know it’s a winner. Acquired for free.

9. 4 discs of episodes of Little Men – A Canadian show based on Louisa May Alcott’s sequel to Little Women. Acquired after a night of heavy drinking from Amazon.

8. Relative Evil – This movie is apparently so bad that it is listed as “Ball in the House” on IMDB, which I assume is some sort of working title/alternative title/who-gives-a-fuck title. Not entirely sure what it’s about. There seems to be drugs involved. Acquired for free.

7. Confessions of a Sociopathic Social Climber – This may be a Lifetime movie. I at least saw it for the first time on Lifetime. Jennifer Love Hewitt, doing it up as a total prostie bitch. The best part of this movie is the recommendations IMDB claims you will enjoy if you like this movie: Anchorman (what?), City of Shoulders and Noses (which, you may also like if you enjoy my movie, Slit and Commit, apparently), and Orgazmo (double what?). Basically, IMDB is saying that if you like this movie, it’s possible that you do not actually like movies. Acquired for free.

6. The American Mall – MTV’s answer to High School Musical. Not a fantastic answer. A musical about people who work in a mall who are apparently allowed to stay in the mall at all hours of the day. The main girl’s voice (Mia on Degrassi, y’all) is so digitized, it’s insane. Acquired for free.

5. The Mighty Ducks 3 – Mighty Ducks? Classic. Mighty Ducks 2? Even better. Mighty Ducks 3? Straight to DVD. This time, all of the Ducks are accepted to the same private school, but there is a question of whether they’ll make the varsity team or not! Guess what? If the majority of the National Junior Olympics hockey team came to your school, they would be on the varsity team, no question. If the rest of you mofos on the varsity team were so good, you would’ve been on the Olympic team, but since you were not, I can only assume you’d be benched once the Olympians showed up. Acquired for free.

4. Normal Adolescent Behavior: Havoc 2 – A sequel to some rando movie I had never heard of and that I don’t think has anything to do with this movie. Basically, a group of friends have sex with each other constantly. Starring both Stephen from Laguna Beach AND Phil of the Future AND Joan of Arcadia. Totally weird. And somehow, I feel like I saw this for the first time on Lifetime as well, which is totes appropes. Acquired for free.

3. The one-two punch of Teaching Mrs. Tingle and Disturbing Behavior – The crown jewels of Katie Holmes’ late 90s reign over our pre-teen zeitgeist. I was in 7th and 8th grade when these movies came out and I don’t think I was allowed to see them and I don’t think I have seen Disturbing Behavior still. These movies are a graveyard of teen heartthrobs and also thesis-worthy if your thesis was about “movies that made teenagers convinced that school administrators and all other figures of authorities were out to get them.” Acquired for free.

2. Pinata Survival Island – Another movie so good that IMDB cannot decide what its title actually is. A bunch of frat bros and sorority hos go on an island scavenger hunt looking for pairs of underwear (no, really) and pinatas filled with alcohol. They accidentally break open an ancient, cursed pinata which then terrorizes and kills them all. Can’t get off the island because the boats are gone, their cell phones don’t work, and the general consensus is “our other frat bros will realize that we’re missing after a day or two and come find us.” PSYCH. Acquired for $1.

1. Boxing Helena – Basically, the story of a man who is so obsessed with this lady that he cuts off her arms and legs and keeps her in a box on his dining room table. THIS MOVIE WILL BLOW YOUR MIND IN THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE. Acquired entirely on purpose after my dad told me about it.

The moral of the story is: I HAVE FANTASTIC TASTE.





Some Things That Happened in College Once

25 09 2009

And by college, I mean this weekend when I went back to college and pretended to be in college, even though I am no longer in college and thus, miss college. These things will be explained after I am not exhausted anymore.

1. Baby’s First Parking Ticket.

2. The Case of the Unclaimed Vomit.

3. Dirt Squirrels.

4. The Pervs of Route 80 Rest Stops.

5. Testing the Limits of Drinking Abilities.

All of these things are great. This trip to Evanston was easily my most fun one since being in actual college, and was more fun than many 4 day stretches of actual college. Fantastic.

——

What is another name for me, right now?

Answer: A Northwestern Aglumni (because I am so sad about no more college.)

Alternatives: Dirt Squirrel, Tits Tired.





Conversations with Zappa

19 09 2009

INT. HAYDEN HOUSEHOLD – DAY

Zappa and Sarah are hanging out, watching TV, doing regular daytime stuff. Zappa is getting restless.

Sarah: Do you need to go out?

Zappa: Well, yes, but I don’t want to trouble you.

Sarah: It’s okay. I was just about to lay down and take a nap, but okay.

Zappa: I can tell you’re upset, we don’t have to go out.

Sarah: Really?

Zappa: No, we do, I have to pee.

Sarah and Zappa stand and approach the door, in perfect synch. Sarah opens the door. Zappa pauses.

Sarah: Go.

Zappa: Aren’t you… aren’t you coming?

Sarah: I pee inside.

Zappa: Sometimes.

Sarah: ZING!

Zappa: No, seriously, aren’t you coming?

Sarah: Ugh, fine, I will stand outside with you.

Zappa: Okay, but I cannot go to the bathroom unless you are within 5 feet of me, so you will have to walk around with me as if I am on a leash, but I won’t be on a leash, I will be in our fenced-in backyard, ignoring my ability to run freely like a regular dog.

Sarah: Fine, I will walk around.

Zappa and Sarah proceed to walk around the backyard, smelling EVERYTHING. Zappa seems like she’s ready to pee.

She hesitates.

Sarah: What’s your problem?

Zappa: Don’t watch.

Sarah: I’m not watching.

Zappa: I can’t go if you are making eye contact with me.

Sarah: Zappa, I am not even looking at you.

Zappa: Well, look at me, but don’t make eye contact.

Sarah: YOU ARE THE WEIRDEST EFFING DOG.

Zappa: I KNOW.

END SCENE.





Puke Puke Puke

16 09 2009

For many different reasons, I have thrown up quite a bit in my life. No, no, don’t pity me, those of you who claimed to have never thrown up (what’s wrong with you? Why are you so healthy?), it’s really not that bad. In fact, it is sometimes super hilarious.

The top 5 most interesting places I have ever chucked it up:

5. At my place of business: This is a four-fer; I’ve thrown up at most places I have ever worked. There’s nothing quite like realizing in the middle of a customer transaction that you are going to lose it all, going and losing it all, and then coming back and finishing your transaction. Due by 6? No problem. You need copies? BRB.

4. A church during a funeral: Really bad news bears. A bagpiper gave me a hankerchief from his pocket to wipe the puke off of my face and then suggest I keep it because he didn’t want it back. This one was pretty regrettable, but boy, did I look like the most upset mourner of the day.

3. In the car on the way to the morning-after-the-wedding brunch: My cousin got married in Cape Cod. The first time I had ever experienced the maxim, “Everyone’s 21 at a wedding.” The next morning was not pleasant, partially due to the No ID? No Problem! attitude of the bar we attended after the reception, partially due to the Raw Bar of seafood at the reception. This, coincidentally, was also the second strike against scallops on the books for me. The next morning, I threw up in the car on the way to someone’s house to have an outdoors seafood brunch (disgusting even if you are sober). Lucky for me, I rarely travel without plastic bags at the ready, just for this very reason. The initial throw up was not bad. But sitting in the car for a couple of hours while my immediate family was at the brunch and my extended family continuously walked by the sliding door of the minivan, generally heckling me, was the pits. Followed by the 3 or 4 hour ride back to New Jersey. Not one of my finest hours. Hopefully not to be repeated at this winter’s sequel, Your Cousin’s Getting Married 2.

2. Theater and Interpretation Center at Northwestern University during Basic Acting: This class was on Fridays at 10 AM. Not one of my better scheduling choices. Excused myself during Group 1 of the Improv exercise to get a drink. Puked my guts out and got back before Group 3 of the Improv exercise. Participated in Group 3 with flying colors – I believe we were pretending to be at a bus station and I was pretending to be a bus inspector from a rival bus station. I got an A in the class, no bigs. My favorite part? Girl in the next stall: Are you okay? Me: Yeah, it’s just a strawberry poptart.

1. The Vatican: In the lobby between the Sistine Chapel and the Vatican on the Euro Trip after high school. I gave the chaperones my full sob story, I was chronically ill and on new medication and geez, there is no good breakfast in Europe, I just couldn’t deal with it. True sob story: we got really drunk the night before because it is Europe and even though we were told not to do shots, we did shots. And then woke up at 8 am to go sight-seeing. And guess what? My little, high school body was not as seasoned at drinking as it would soon become. Once again, chronic illness saves the day and I don’t even get in trouble. On the down side, I did have to wash the throw up off my feet in the bathroom and then ride the Italian subway covered in vom dot com back to the hotel. A fitting punishment.

There are so many, many more places that I have puked in my life. While driving, at malls, at offices, on public transportation, at sporting events, at parties, at the movies, etc. This entry is also making me super nauseous, so I hope to stop reminiscing about all of this for a few more days.

——

What is a bulimic’s favorite movie?

ANSWER: Heaving Las Vegas, starring Sickolas Cage.

Acceptable answers: Pixar’s (Throw)Up!, The double feature Beauty and the Feast, followed by Cool Hand Puke.





I don’t think I’m that old

14 09 2009

Recently, I was watching the VMAs. Recently being about 3 minutes ago, when I stopped watching them to flip between “Catch Me If You Can” and “300”, both of which I have seen several times and would rather be watching.

I watched these VMAs for a total of about 18 minutes, give or take a few minutes when I did some Twitter and YouTube research to find out why Kanye West’s name was being booed. Which took about a minute – that long because Viacom was fairly quick to remove any and all evidence of this occurrence. But not quick enough to realize that most of America is not quick enough to spell Kanye correctly, meaning that many results still come up for Kayne West + Taylor Swift on the ol’ Y-Tube.

In these 18 minutes, I deduced the following: I am not old enough for MTV to make me feel this old. In fact, I am what used to be the target audience (23 years young. 15 years young if you only look at my face and listen to my voice and flip through my diary). Doubly in fact, I am still their target audience – I enjoy about 65% of their programming, mostly the shows that are one hour in length as opposed to one half hour. Triply in fact, I used to work at MTV Networks, and still enjoy bragging about it and reaping the street cred it gives me among my SAT classes (until it is almost always followed by “You used to work at MTV? And now you teach SATs? LIFE IS NOT JUST FUN AND GAMES, KIDS. But for those oh so precious moments, I am their queen.)

The point is, I like MTV and MTV likes me. But I do not like these VMAs.

I have never liked the VMAs as much as the MTV Movie Awards, which I don’t even like very much. Maybe because I don’t really like music as much as I like movies. But as MTV moves further and further away from music (were you aware of it? I’m pretty sure no one has ever mentioned this fact before) the VMAs are becoming more and more obscure. I would venture to say that a good amount of these videos have never been shown on MTV, maybe at most as a 15 second interstitial between “Daddy’s Girls” and “Fantasy Factory.” I can only assume that the people watching this program have heard about this music elsewhere. I know I have. This Beyonce video? SNL. Lady Gaga? Bars. Drake? Degrassi (if I had known that America was going to take you kind of seriously, Jimmy, I would have made more of an effort to talk to you when I was on that commercial set. Forgive me for assuming it wouldn’t happen. Also, congrats on getting out of that wheelchair. You look brand new!)

Some thoughts:

1. Is Tracy Morgan actively trying to make people forget that he is not actually Tracy Jordan? Does Tracy Morgan exist anymore? Because I really enjoy the fact that he doesn’t and if I could live in my make believe world all the time, I would totally do it too. “Stop eating people’s old French fries, pigeon; have some self respect! Don’t you know you can fly?”

2. Why does anyone like Eminem? I don’t think I have ever seen him smile and even the most hard hearted rappers smile sometimes. If you can’t smile about being a rapper, I don’t trust you as a rapper. Also, he is gross and his songs are not interesting and his voice is like the magnified sound of ice cubes expanding in a glass of warm water, except less picturesque. Parody videos went out with jelly sandals and AOL email addresses. Although I haven’t seen a music video in months, so maybe it is actually really in and Eminem is cutting edge. Oh no… no, that’s not it.

3. I have never really liked Kanye West because he is totally a reverse racist, but white people are too scared that he will find a way to break into their homes to call him out on it. And I don’t really know anything about Taylor Swift except that she is kind of adorable. Basically, I have no real stake in either party musically. But in a non-musical sense, taking the mic from her to say that her competition made one of the best videos ever is the equivalent of Kanye jumping up to the front of the class while Taylor’s trying to make a PowerPoint presentation to say that Beyonce’s solar system diorama was cooler and less boring, if not more accurate. Kanye is 32. Taylor Swift is 19. When you think about it not as celebrity vs. celebrity, but adult vs. kid (generally), it becomes not just rude but vaguely creepy. But I expect that many people are now working on a Taylor Swift/Kanye Mash-Up, so maybe it was all a publicity stunt after all.

4. Was that Jamie Lynn Sigler introducing some category with Diddy? Has she done anything since The Sopranos? WHY IS SHE HERE AND RELEVANT ENOUGH TO PRESENT? Unless it was not her. In which case I have no idea who it was. Which makes me feel old.

5. Muse has got to be resentful of the fact that Twilight is getting them so much play right now. At least, I hope they resent it. Their performance was touted as “the performance everyone will be talking about tomorrow”, despite being a band since 1994 and existing in what I presumed to be the general music sphere for at least 5 of those years. I mean, if I know who Muse is, and I have barely changed my musical tastes since the 7th grade, it’s kind of bizarre that people who are currently in 7th grade are thinking that they have just found this hot new vampirey band. Because I can’t listen to their music now without thinking about vampires and having sex with vampires and getting married so that I can have vampire incubuses break through my womb and kill me and this is suddenly revealing that I read all of the Twilight books but no judgment, no judgment.

But what am I saying? This all depends on the VMAs themselves being culturally relevant. Which Twitter tells me it is, but Twitter also sometimes tells me that things like moonfruit are culturally relevant, so who knows?

——

What did the snotty rapper name his clothing line?

KANYE VESTS

Honorable Mentions: Cane-ye West: A Line for Catholic School Disciplinarians of the West Coast, Kanye Dress, KanYAY! Pom Pom Emporium.





A Salty Engagement: Episode Four

11 09 2009

Episode 4: Things Get Polish

Tom threw his head back maniacally, letting loose a cackle not often heard on this earth, except for in areas that have a heavy bad guy population. He laughed so hard that one of his molars flew out of his head, hitting Paul in the eye.

“Aahhh, my good eye! And right before my wedding! Tom, you shrew!” Paul yelled while eye goo started to run down his face. Sarah saw this and promptly pulled a Telly, throwing up at a very inopportune time. Fortunately, she had several plastic bags at the ready, as this particular group of people seemed to projectile more often than most.

Telly kept her eyes glued to the television set, trying to collect as much information about her dear Eric’s whereabouts. One of the Polish workers – an accomplished surgeon in his native land but here, only a lowly assistant fudgemaker – caught a glimpse of the television screen. He called his fellow subordinates over and pointed at the screen.

“Look at this, everybody. We are to be helping keep this skinny glasses man in a box. We are to be helping him be unhappy.”

“Franz, he looks like he is alway being the unhappy.”

“True, but he is of the most unhappy in this little box. The skinny glasses man should be free. Mr. Tom Arnold, you said nothing of keeping skinny glasses mans in boxes. You are only saying that we make fudge and have a fun summer in the seaside!”

Tom Arnold turned to his fudge brigade. He had trained them well, but not well enough, apparently. “Are you dissenting, Franz?”

“Not of the dissenting, Mr. Tom Arnold, not of the dissenting. Just of the wondering what in the fruitcakes is going on here? This is not a fun summer in the seaside for the skinny glasses man!”

Without a second thought, Tom whipped out a gun and shot Franz in the guts. Once again, Tom crouched down, expecting a crowd to come at him this time not with adoration, but with anger. None came. Lucky for Tom, they were in New Jersey, where there are no cut and dry rules about shooting fudgemakers who you have hired specifically not to give you any lip. The Dirty Jerz welcomed his violent streak with open arms.

Sarah barely blinked, but the rest of the gang – not being from The Garden State – found themselves in a state of shock. “This would never happen in Wisconsin,” said Paul, shaking his head sadly.

“It has happened only twice in California,” Telly admitted. “But I did not approve either time.”

“So, the ball is in your court, Ramos. Once again.”

Telly stared Tom down, like a slug might stare down a salt shaker, if it had eyes that faced the same direction at the same time. “What is it that you want, Arnold? How do I get my life companion back?”

Have no idea what’s going on? Me either, really. Get the whole, on going story here: pruse.wordpress.com





One of life’s many dilemmas

11 09 2009

Dilemma: I want to write a blog post.

Problem: We spent the day at another animal-themed entertainment venue. I do not want this to become a zoo blog.

Plus side: It was an aquarium this time, and not a zoo.

Down side: Why is my life so animal centric right now?

Solution: Mention the problem, and write a blog post anyway because guess what, intended audience, if you do not have as much interest in zoos as I do, then you do not have enough interest in me to read this anyway.

I will save the in depth analysis for a later time, but highlights:

1. INTERACTIVE ZOOTIVITIES – the ability to touch (with 2 fingers only, it was very important that it was 2 fingers only) all of these things: prawn, starfish, sea cucumber, sea anemone, shark, jellyfish, stingray.

2. SHARK TUNNEL – “Wow, I’m walking through a tunnel and OH MAN THERE ARE 27 SHARKS SWIMMING ABOVE ME WHOA.”

3. HIPPO BEDTIME – the aquarium closed at 5 pm. At 4:45 pm, you could go to the hippo enclosure and witness “hippo bedtime”, which did not involve any night caps, unfortch. It did include the secret door opening up that the hippos walked into, and then the secret door closing. The hippos were so well-trained that they got out of the water around 4:40 and went to stand at the door. One of the hippos even put his head on the door like he was yelling to be let in. When it got to be 4:47, the hippos must have decided that they read their hippo watches wrong and got back into their water. But at 4:50, they decided no fucking way, their watches were right, they just wound them this morning, it’s the goddamn zookeepers who’s watches are wrong and how long does a hippo have to wait to go to their m-effing bedtime OH, there’s the door. Okay, good night. In a word – ADORABLE.

Maybe I will have more to say about the Camden Aquarium soon. Maybe I’m tired of talking about zoos and zoo-like places. Maybe I will make up for my quaint existence of the last week by doing un-zoo-like activities at the annual “Drink Us Dry” night here – the last night that most bars are open for the season on the island. Since I guess alcohol goes bad (or they think it does which I don’t mind them thinking) they challenge you to drink it all up for super cheap so they can close for the year. Drink us dry? Yes, sir.

——

What is the slogan for the Camden Aquarium?

Answer: “A Significantly Lower Risk of Gunshot Injury than Camden in General.”

Alternatives: “Get Shot! Like, cool shots with your camera.” “Our Sharks are Crips.” “Put Your Fingers on Some Wildlife, Bitch.”





Putting the “I guess…” in “Guestimation.”

8 09 2009

Based on these two descriptions, which one would you think is the better zoo?

Zoo #1: The Cohanzick Zoo was the first zoo in New Jersey, established in Bridgeton City Park in 1934. The zoo has more than 200 birds and mammals from around the world and emphasizes the fauna of Asia and South America, including monkeys, bears, big cats, crocodiles, and snakes. A favorite for visitors is the White Tiger exhibit. Admission is free.

or

Zoo #2: The Cape May County Zoo, a wooded park area off Exit 11 of the Garden State Parkway on Route 9, is home to nearly 200 different species of mammals, birds, amphibians, and reptiles. Special exhibits include the World of Birds, Reptile and Amphibian House and an African Savanna. The large park area includes pavilions. a spacious playground area and biking trails.

On the one hand, the first zoo description only says “200 birds/mammals” as opposed to species, meaning they are probably counting individual animals here. But the second zoo description seems to be mostly about the park surrounding the zoo instead of the zoo itself. So, if you are like me, you would assume that the first zoo in New Jersey was definitely the better pick.

You would be WRONG.

What the brochure fails to mention is that of those 200 birds/mammals, they must be counting the hundred plus Canadian geese that have taken up residency in their alleged zoo. Once again, proof that the zoo businessmen of South Jersey need to put on their logic caps and keep the regular animals out of the actual animals’ exhibits. The brochure also fails to mention the extremely sad FAQ signs that greet you at the entrance to the zoo, posted on the glass of an empty cage.

FAQ 1: Where are all of your animals?

Answer: Animals get old & die. This year has been particularly rough, as we have lost 2 ocelots, several monkeys, and both of our reindeer.

FAQ 2: Can’t you get replacement animals?

Answer: It is harder to get animals that are suited for our enclosures than you think. It is too hard to transport animals in the summer because it is so hot they often die.

FAQ 3: Why don’t you build some more exhibits?

Answer: If you have $100,000 that you no longer need, we would be happy to build new exhibits.

All of these signs could have been condensed into a single sign:

“Dear Zoo-Goers:

FUCK YOU.

– Mgmt.”

Although I applaud their honesty, it really drew attention to the sad state of affairs at New Jersey’s first zoo. They need a little old man at the entrance to guilt people into making donations, like the Cape May County Zoo did. That is where the real money is.

Still, there were about 30 animals there (not counting dumb geese, ducks, and even more free-range peafowl) that were relatively cool. They had a white tiger. The signs claimed there were two, but I only saw one and given the tone of the other signs, I am more inclined to trust my eyes than theirs. They had a funny looking little bear. They had a mountain lion/big cat of some sort. Sadly, these animals were all super bored and took to pacing around, trying to coax the dumb geese and ducks to get close enough to eat.

A mom and little girl were feeding bread to all of the geese, ducks, and swans as we walked around. Thus, we had a herd of fowl following us around. And by following, I mean coming within inches of us. If I thought that birds had noses, I swear they would have been all up in our biz, sniffing us up and down like a dog when you smell like another dog. It was insane. And made me wish I had bread of my own so I could have captured one and taken it home.

The bird I most wanted to capture was this weird hybrid chicken/duck. We took to calling them chucks. It had all the coloring of a regular farm chicken, but webbed feet and weird skin stuff on their beaks like ducks. They were ridiculous and loved people and seriously wagged their tails at you. So, despite the extremely misleading advertising, I believe this trip was worthwhile because of my introduction to chucks.

Pictures will be forthcoming, I hope.

Additionally, we ate dinner at a bar with no name, no windows, no easily recognizable front door, that had been recommended to my dad by one of his fraternity brothers. Upon entering, this conversation occurred:

Dad: There’s blood on your stairs.

“Cosmo” the Bartender: Those stairs? No, that’s paint.

Dad: No, those stairs.

Cosmo: Oh, those stairs? Yeah, that’s blood.

Needless to say, dinner was delish.

——

What is an alternate name for the Cohanzick Zoo?

ANSWER: ZOOP

Alternate answers: “False advertising”, Oh Man’s Sick Zoo, Sadness.





A Salty Engagement: Part Two

8 09 2009

While I formulate my thoughts on the most depressing zoo in the history of zoos, please entertain yourself with my first excerpt from the soon-t0-be-legendary joint venture, “A Salty Engagement.” Read the first part and whatever upcoming parts we create at: pruse.wordpress.com

Part Two: The Depths of Tom Arnold

“Hey look, it’s Tom Arnold!” Paul nearly screeched in delight, having been one of Mr. Arnold’s biggest fans since that seminal film, The Stupids (1996).

Tom took cover instantaneously, covering his body from the impending deluge of fans he was sure Paul’s yell would send his way. None came.

Tom turned his attention back to Telly who had, in fact, evacuated her insides once more. Utterly devoid of stuffing at this point, Telly wiped some spittle from her lips and squinted hard at Tom. Sarah took the building tension as a sign to go get some ice cream. She was pregnant, after all, and would appreciate it if you would not judge her.

“Tom Arnold. We meet again. I’ll thank you not to comment on my body’s projectiles.”

“I’ll comment on whatever I please. I think you owe me that, after what we’ve shared in the past.”

Telly shuddered. “It was one night, Tom. One stupid, crack cocaine filled night. If I had been old enough to watch Roseanne and realized you’d been married, I most certainly wouldn’t have obliged your requests.”

Sarah made it back, working on her second double scoop, and stood next to Paul to watch the conversation between Tom and Telly. The wedding would have to wait, as anything involving Tom Arnold was bound to be way more important and interesting. “Oh right. You guys fucked, right?” Paul yelled, fueling the fire. He was having trouble controlling the volume of his voice, not to mention the fact that his proximity to his idol was making it hard to control the flow of his thoughts.

“Paul!” Telly whispered, slapping him across the face.

“We made love,” Tom Arnold whispered, the heat rising in his cheeks like a small hobo village that’s been set ablaze. “It takes a real man to make love.”

Paul was brought to tears nearly at the eloquence of Mr. Arnold, an eloquence he had rarely heard since Mr. Arnold’s uncredited appearance in “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery.” Paul turned to his love, his blushing bride, in the hopes that merely witnessing this sentiment would put all of their hopes and fears to rest.

Unfortunately, Sarah had wandered away, a cell phone held to her ear. The phrase “How long is your longest footlong?” could be heard, wafting in the wind.