A Salty Engagement: Part Two

8 09 2009

While I formulate my thoughts on the most depressing zoo in the history of zoos, please entertain yourself with my first excerpt from the soon-t0-be-legendary joint venture, “A Salty Engagement.” Read the first part and whatever upcoming parts we create at: pruse.wordpress.com

Part Two: The Depths of Tom Arnold

“Hey look, it’s Tom Arnold!” Paul nearly screeched in delight, having been one of Mr. Arnold’s biggest fans since that seminal film, The Stupids (1996).

Tom took cover instantaneously, covering his body from the impending deluge of fans he was sure Paul’s yell would send his way. None came.

Tom turned his attention back to Telly who had, in fact, evacuated her insides once more. Utterly devoid of stuffing at this point, Telly wiped some spittle from her lips and squinted hard at Tom. Sarah took the building tension as a sign to go get some ice cream. She was pregnant, after all, and would appreciate it if you would not judge her.

“Tom Arnold. We meet again. I’ll thank you not to comment on my body’s projectiles.”

“I’ll comment on whatever I please. I think you owe me that, after what we’ve shared in the past.”

Telly shuddered. “It was one night, Tom. One stupid, crack cocaine filled night. If I had been old enough to watch Roseanne and realized you’d been married, I most certainly wouldn’t have obliged your requests.”

Sarah made it back, working on her second double scoop, and stood next to Paul to watch the conversation between Tom and Telly. The wedding would have to wait, as anything involving Tom Arnold was bound to be way more important and interesting. “Oh right. You guys fucked, right?” Paul yelled, fueling the fire. He was having trouble controlling the volume of his voice, not to mention the fact that his proximity to his idol was making it hard to control the flow of his thoughts.

“Paul!” Telly whispered, slapping him across the face.

“We made love,” Tom Arnold whispered, the heat rising in his cheeks like a small hobo village that’s been set ablaze. “It takes a real man to make love.”

Paul was brought to tears nearly at the eloquence of Mr. Arnold, an eloquence he had rarely heard since Mr. Arnold’s uncredited appearance in “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery.” Paul turned to his love, his blushing bride, in the hopes that merely witnessing this sentiment would put all of their hopes and fears to rest.

Unfortunately, Sarah had wandered away, a cell phone held to her ear. The phrase “How long is your longest footlong?” could be heard, wafting in the wind.

Advertisements

Actions

Information

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: