I don’t think I’m that old

14 09 2009

Recently, I was watching the VMAs. Recently being about 3 minutes ago, when I stopped watching them to flip between “Catch Me If You Can” and “300”, both of which I have seen several times and would rather be watching.

I watched these VMAs for a total of about 18 minutes, give or take a few minutes when I did some Twitter and YouTube research to find out why Kanye West’s name was being booed. Which took about a minute – that long because Viacom was fairly quick to remove any and all evidence of this occurrence. But not quick enough to realize that most of America is not quick enough to spell Kanye correctly, meaning that many results still come up for Kayne West + Taylor Swift on the ol’ Y-Tube.

In these 18 minutes, I deduced the following: I am not old enough for MTV to make me feel this old. In fact, I am what used to be the target audience (23 years young. 15 years young if you only look at my face and listen to my voice and flip through my diary). Doubly in fact, I am still their target audience – I enjoy about 65% of their programming, mostly the shows that are one hour in length as opposed to one half hour. Triply in fact, I used to work at MTV Networks, and still enjoy bragging about it and reaping the street cred it gives me among my SAT classes (until it is almost always followed by “You used to work at MTV? And now you teach SATs? LIFE IS NOT JUST FUN AND GAMES, KIDS. But for those oh so precious moments, I am their queen.)

The point is, I like MTV and MTV likes me. But I do not like these VMAs.

I have never liked the VMAs as much as the MTV Movie Awards, which I don’t even like very much. Maybe because I don’t really like music as much as I like movies. But as MTV moves further and further away from music (were you aware of it? I’m pretty sure no one has ever mentioned this fact before) the VMAs are becoming more and more obscure. I would venture to say that a good amount of these videos have never been shown on MTV, maybe at most as a 15 second interstitial between “Daddy’s Girls” and “Fantasy Factory.” I can only assume that the people watching this program have heard about this music elsewhere. I know I have. This Beyonce video? SNL. Lady Gaga? Bars. Drake? Degrassi (if I had known that America was going to take you kind of seriously, Jimmy, I would have made more of an effort to talk to you when I was on that commercial set. Forgive me for assuming it wouldn’t happen. Also, congrats on getting out of that wheelchair. You look brand new!)

Some thoughts:

1. Is Tracy Morgan actively trying to make people forget that he is not actually Tracy Jordan? Does Tracy Morgan exist anymore? Because I really enjoy the fact that he doesn’t and if I could live in my make believe world all the time, I would totally do it too. “Stop eating people’s old French fries, pigeon; have some self respect! Don’t you know you can fly?”

2. Why does anyone like Eminem? I don’t think I have ever seen him smile and even the most hard hearted rappers smile sometimes. If you can’t smile about being a rapper, I don’t trust you as a rapper. Also, he is gross and his songs are not interesting and his voice is like the magnified sound of ice cubes expanding in a glass of warm water, except less picturesque. Parody videos went out with jelly sandals and AOL email addresses. Although I haven’t seen a music video in months, so maybe it is actually really in and Eminem is cutting edge. Oh no… no, that’s not it.

3. I have never really liked Kanye West because he is totally a reverse racist, but white people are too scared that he will find a way to break into their homes to call him out on it. And I don’t really know anything about Taylor Swift except that she is kind of adorable. Basically, I have no real stake in either party musically. But in a non-musical sense, taking the mic from her to say that her competition made one of the best videos ever is the equivalent of Kanye jumping up to the front of the class while Taylor’s trying to make a PowerPoint presentation to say that Beyonce’s solar system diorama was cooler and less boring, if not more accurate. Kanye is 32. Taylor Swift is 19. When you think about it not as celebrity vs. celebrity, but adult vs. kid (generally), it becomes not just rude but vaguely creepy. But I expect that many people are now working on a Taylor Swift/Kanye Mash-Up, so maybe it was all a publicity stunt after all.

4. Was that Jamie Lynn Sigler introducing some category with Diddy? Has she done anything since The Sopranos? WHY IS SHE HERE AND RELEVANT ENOUGH TO PRESENT? Unless it was not her. In which case I have no idea who it was. Which makes me feel old.

5. Muse has got to be resentful of the fact that Twilight is getting them so much play right now. At least, I hope they resent it. Their performance was touted as “the performance everyone will be talking about tomorrow”, despite being a band since 1994 and existing in what I presumed to be the general music sphere for at least 5 of those years. I mean, if I know who Muse is, and I have barely changed my musical tastes since the 7th grade, it’s kind of bizarre that people who are currently in 7th grade are thinking that they have just found this hot new vampirey band. Because I can’t listen to their music now without thinking about vampires and having sex with vampires and getting married so that I can have vampire incubuses break through my womb and kill me and this is suddenly revealing that I read all of the Twilight books but no judgment, no judgment.

But what am I saying? This all depends on the VMAs themselves being culturally relevant. Which Twitter tells me it is, but Twitter also sometimes tells me that things like moonfruit are culturally relevant, so who knows?

——

What did the snotty rapper name his clothing line?

KANYE VESTS

Honorable Mentions: Cane-ye West: A Line for Catholic School Disciplinarians of the West Coast, Kanye Dress, KanYAY! Pom Pom Emporium.

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