Puke Puke Puke

16 09 2009

For many different reasons, I have thrown up quite a bit in my life. No, no, don’t pity me, those of you who claimed to have never thrown up (what’s wrong with you? Why are you so healthy?), it’s really not that bad. In fact, it is sometimes super hilarious.

The top 5 most interesting places I have ever chucked it up:

5. At my place of business: This is a four-fer; I’ve thrown up at most places I have ever worked. There’s nothing quite like realizing in the middle of a customer transaction that you are going to lose it all, going and losing it all, and then coming back and finishing your transaction. Due by 6? No problem. You need copies? BRB.

4. A church during a funeral: Really bad news bears. A bagpiper gave me a hankerchief from his pocket to wipe the puke off of my face and then suggest I keep it because he didn’t want it back. This one was pretty regrettable, but boy, did I look like the most upset mourner of the day.

3. In the car on the way to the morning-after-the-wedding brunch: My cousin got married in Cape Cod. The first time I had ever experienced the maxim, “Everyone’s 21 at a wedding.” The next morning was not pleasant, partially due to the No ID? No Problem! attitude of the bar we attended after the reception, partially due to the Raw Bar of seafood at the reception. This, coincidentally, was also the second strike against scallops on the books for me. The next morning, I threw up in the car on the way to someone’s house to have an outdoors seafood brunch (disgusting even if you are sober). Lucky for me, I rarely travel without plastic bags at the ready, just for this very reason. The initial throw up was not bad. But sitting in the car for a couple of hours while my immediate family was at the brunch and my extended family continuously walked by the sliding door of the minivan, generally heckling me, was the pits. Followed by the 3 or 4 hour ride back to New Jersey. Not one of my finest hours. Hopefully not to be repeated at this winter’s sequel, Your Cousin’s Getting Married 2.

2. Theater and Interpretation Center at Northwestern University during Basic Acting: This class was on Fridays at 10 AM. Not one of my better scheduling choices. Excused myself during Group 1 of the Improv exercise to get a drink. Puked my guts out and got back before Group 3 of the Improv exercise. Participated in Group 3 with flying colors – I believe we were pretending to be at a bus station and I was pretending to be a bus inspector from a rival bus station. I got an A in the class, no bigs. My favorite part? Girl in the next stall: Are you okay? Me: Yeah, it’s just a strawberry poptart.

1. The Vatican: In the lobby between the Sistine Chapel and the Vatican on the Euro Trip after high school. I gave the chaperones my full sob story, I was chronically ill and on new medication and geez, there is no good breakfast in Europe, I just couldn’t deal with it. True sob story: we got really drunk the night before because it is Europe and even though we were told not to do shots, we did shots. And then woke up at 8 am to go sight-seeing. And guess what? My little, high school body was not as seasoned at drinking as it would soon become. Once again, chronic illness saves the day and I don’t even get in trouble. On the down side, I did have to wash the throw up off my feet in the bathroom and then ride the Italian subway covered in vom dot com back to the hotel. A fitting punishment.

There are so many, many more places that I have puked in my life. While driving, at malls, at offices, on public transportation, at sporting events, at parties, at the movies, etc. This entry is also making me super nauseous, so I hope to stop reminiscing about all of this for a few more days.

——

What is a bulimic’s favorite movie?

ANSWER: Heaving Las Vegas, starring Sickolas Cage.

Acceptable answers: Pixar’s (Throw)Up!, The double feature Beauty and the Feast, followed by Cool Hand Puke.

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