Reasons Why I Am So Advanced

2 10 2009

I am fairly convinced that I am more evolved than most humans on earth. Not in a Hitler-y, “You know who I’m better than? Everyone” sort of way, but in a straight up, scientific sort of way.

If you don’t believe in evolution (I’m looking at you, 18 Kids and Counting family, because I know you use your monitored computer time to read this blog and who could blame you?) I think you’re crazy, but I will also respect your right not to believe in basic logic.

1. No appendix. You know what the appendix is good for? nothing. I was told during a routine look at my insides that they couldn’t find any appendix. Pretty sure that is the first step to evolution – losing vestigial organs.

2. No wisdom teeth. Never had to get them removed because they don’t exist. Missing out on what I’m told is a rite of passage into adulthood is fine with me because it led to another rite of passage into adulthood – braces. Not only do I not have wisdom teeth, I don’t have bottom 12 year molars. Not necessary since humans can (and, fingers crossed, will) survive on easily chewed macaroni and cheese.

3. Pale, pale skin. Why would they invent sunscreen if we weren’t supposed to use it? Pale skin = I am literally evolved not to do any work at all that involves toiling in the sun. That IS my doctor’s note, Dad.

4. Small ears. What are the outside of your ears even used for? Nothing, I say. My ears are so small as to be tiptoeing the line of bizarroland. Maybe not that small because they are still pretty adorbs. But, they are small enough to hear (their job) and not much else like get caught on things or cause childhood trauma (not their job).

5. Immune system wackiness. As I understand it, my immune system is so good that it attacks itself. Clearly, a gift from dear Mr. Darwin. In high school, we hypothesized that if I were to contract HIV, I would probably be perfectly healthy, as my crazy immune system and HIV’s immunodeficiencies would cancel each other out. I do not want to test that hypothesis.

——

What is a dentist’s favorite movie?

Answer: LAND OF THE FLOSS.

Acceptable Alternatives: Teeth, Gum and Gumber, Flouriding in Cars with Boys.

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