Happy New Year, All.

31 12 2009

Tonight will probably be a quiet night, as last night was my cousin’s wedding. Cigarettes were smoked. Spills were taken. I decided to tell most of my extended family about my deepest, darkest secret.

Whoops.

As such, all things in moderation tonight. Maybe. Who knows.

I need a shower.

Some things to do in 2010:

– Continue to enjoy life.

– Get used to California.

– Get a real life job.

– Get a real life.

– Reinstate my Netflix account so I have something interesting to small talk about again.

– Focus on not sending as many ridiculous texts and making so many ridiculous phonecalls whilst inebriated/intoxicated/shitfacedicated.

– Take more responsibility.

– Stay skinny so I can attract a hot, rich male benefactor. PSYCH. Just kidding. Kind of. Not really. No I am. But not really.

Happy New Year, friends and family. May it be full of fist pumping.





First Ten Memories of the Decade

27 12 2009

As in, one memory per year of the decade. In chronological order. Not the most important memories or the best or the worst, but the first thing I remember about each of the years involved.

AKA, a completely arbitrary list, my favorite.

THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND IN…

2000. I graduated from 8th grade in 2000 and I remember that there were 83 kids in my grade (I think), we all had to wear light colored dresses, and that there was a huge debate about whether Vitamin C’s “Graduation” or Green Day’s “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” should be our graduation song. Green Day won because someone could play it on the guitar, but then you couldn’t hear the guitar anyway. Also this one girl got her period and it went right through her dress into a puddle on her chair and it was probably the most embarrassing day of her life, but I think we all learned a valuable lesson about wide set vaginas and heavy flows that day. Also, about tampons.

2001. Freshman/Sophomore year of high school. This was the first year that I kissed a boy outside of a game of spin the bottle (which I continued to play throughout college and really, hope to play for the rest of my life.) It was super awkward. There was a Spongebob Squarepants marathon involved and a day sledding at the high school and a bout of wrestling. A lot of this encounter may explain a lot of things about me, including my love of Spongebob and also my love of challenging people to wrestling matches. I also kissed a boy at New Year’s that year. In one scenario, I stomped on someone’s heart. In the other, I got my heart stomped on. 2001 was a really tough year for several reasons, those included.

2002. Sophomore/Junior year of high school. While doing my six hours of driving to get my license that year, my driving instructor was nuts. He asked if he could smoke while we were driving. We had to stop at a gas station and fill the car up with oil, which it was leaking. We went to another driving school’s course to learn how to parallel park. A car from that driving school showed up, and my teacher was like, “We have to leave. Now. NOW!” He basically got stared down by the other car while we were leaving. Once slammed on the breaks while I was driving and said I had to be prepared for everything (including, apparently, a driving instructor slamming on his breaks). So. Effing. Weird.

2003. Junior/Senior year of high school. I remember very specifically getting my SAT scores in the mail and not being able to add the numbers in my head, so when my parents said “Sarah!” I couldn’t tell if it was a good thing or a bad thing. Only when my mom said the number outloud did I realize that a) it was a good thing and b) it was highly ironic/pathetic that I did so well in math and did not have the math skillz to decipher how well I did. It was the start of a lingering suspicion among many relatives and friends that I might actually be an idiot savant.

2004. Senior year of high school/Freshman year of college. Right before high school graduation, a few of my friends and I went down to our shorehouse to have fun. I’m pretty sure my cousin bought me alcohol – first and last time. Over the course of the few days, we were invited to a party at the house at the end of our street. We attended and realized about half way through that it was a party being thrown by a bunch of police officers. Being 18 (or 17 in some cases), we decided it was definitely in our best interest to stay at this party, do Irish car bombs with these cops, and try to coerce many of the cops into taking pictures with us. In true Jersey Shore form, this is not even the dumbest thing we’ve ever participated in down there, but it was epic to our high school lives. Also constituted perhaps the 3rd time I ever drank in high school, which contributed to a very messy freshman year of college.

2005. Freshman/Sophomore year of college. In the spring of 2005, I convinced friends to both punch me in the face and hit me with their car (very low speed, no worries). For getting punched in the face and refusing to tell my RA why I had a black eye, I was sent to psychological counseling and had to explain to the head of housing why, exactly, I had asked someone to punch me in the face. I was written up. I was told statistics about how many women get abused and murdered in Chicago every year. I was told that I should have just used make up if I had wanted to see what a black eye was like. But, I was happy. Also, I have been punch free since 2005.

2006. Sophomore/Junior year of college. The summer I almost died from a mysterious virus a la a House episode. Still got full credit for my internship, despite missing almost an entire month of work – good thing, since I really needed that .25 credit to graduate (PSYCH. Pointless.) My most clear memory of those weeks in the hospital is that I was in the children’s wing despite being 20. And was prescribed anti-depressants that I refused to take for the following reasons – 1. I had not gotten out of bed in a week. 2. I had not had any visitors beside my parents in a week. 3. I had had the blinds drawn for a week. Reasons why I refused to take them: 1. I could not get out of bed because I had an IV in both arms and couldn’t really “move around.” 2. I was in the ICU, where no one besides your parents were allowed to visit. 3. The sun shone directly into my eyeballs if the blinds were not drawn. There were a lot of choice words exchanged that I later regretted. But to be fair, my doctor also said that depression was not really my main problem when they still didn’t know what was wrong with me. Well-intentioned AND r-tarded.

2007. Junior/Senior year of college. I spent my 21st birthday with my best gays at a lesbian bar, where we basically harassed a lesbian named Sherri who very clearly wanted to be left alone. We bought her drinks and got her wasted while getting wasted ourselves. Later, I got shots while on line for the unisex bathroom once I realized that answering “I don’t know” to the question “Are you into girls?” is a surefire way to never pay for drinks at a lesbian bar. Danced with a big black lady named Choppa who proclaimed, “For a white girl, you sure got moves” which remains to this day one of the nicest compliments I have ever received. She wrote her number on a napkin and told me to call her. I did not.

2008. Senior year of college/Freshman year of life. The best party we ever had at Flop Haus was Paul’s and my engagement party. Not only did Paul propose to me on stage at the premiere of all the films we made that year, we later had a totally ridiculous, totally fun party where we even received presents. I believe our friend James gave us 37 cents, and Jackie made us a wedding mix which I lost for a full year, and then recently found in my room. There was a make out contest. There was a dance party. There was spin the bottle. There were a lot of ridiculous pictures and a lot of things that I can’t actually remember, but all contributed to one of the most fun nights of college. In fact, concluded my suspicions that spring quarter of senior year is the only reason that most people miss college; best three months of my life.

2009. Freshman/Sophomore year of life. While working at the video store with Travis one night, this lady came in and talked to us for at least an hour about a book she was writing about a string of murders that had taken place in our town in the 70s. I had never heard of these before, but she insisted that they were all committed by the same person – her husband at the time. She said that he used to sleep with a machete under his pillow, had gone crazy from being in Vietnam, and had tried to kill her several times. All of the bodies were killed using a machete. She was writing a book about it and promised to give us a copy of it, but then did not leave any sort of way to contact her. Super random, super creepy, and left us wondering if maybe she was actually the murderer and was just telling us the story so that we would not suspect her. Particularly after she used me as an example of “exactly the kind of girl that got murdered.” Too bad Clerks exists, because Village Video is ripe for a movie.

Altogether, a good decade.





A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore, Part Three

26 12 2009

The gentlemen, if you can call them that. I prefer “adorable scamps” or “douchebags.”

The boys of the Jersey Shore are interesting because they are portayed as being as dramatic and lame as the girls, if not more so, which is rare for an MTV show. Lest you think them too sensitive though, they bring it back to Shore-goer standards by trying at least five times a night to get girls to come back to the hot tub with them. Corollary: thank you, MTV, for being gracious enough to give these kids a hot tub. What would they do without one?

Now, let’s get right down to it. I am so attracted to all of these “juiced up, muscley Guidos” that I can hardly contain my excitement at describing them to you, dear readers. PSYCH. These men are seriously the kind of men that, were they the last men on Earth, I would either hope for immaculate conception up in that mo or just let the human race die out. And it would be fine, because they would be too busy showing each other their sweet dance moves to try to save the human race anyway.

PAULY D – 28, Johnston, RI

“Pauly D is Rhode Island’s most well known DJ and keeps a tanning bed in his house.” Firstly, Pauly D must be making some sweet cash to afford his own tanning bed (insert own mafia-related joke here, as even I will not stoop.) Secondly, being the most well-known DJ in Rhode Island is like being the best pizza in a room full of anorexics. It’s nice, but… does anyone care? Unfortch, Pauly D is the only guy on this show that has the actual, gelled-up Guido hairstyle that the internet has come to know and love. His hair actually looks like, were you to trip and fall and let Pauly D’s coif break your fall, it would no doubt impale you a la that girl who jumped out her window and landed on a fence post in “The Virgin Suicides.” Also, Pauly D is TWENTY EIGHT YEARS OLD. As in, way too old for this guy to still be down at the shore and trying to have sex with girls while his buddy is also trying to have sex with girls in the same room. The same room. Gross, Pauly D. Also, gross, girls who are obliging him in this practice.

RONNIE – 23, Bronx, NY

“He comes into the house with one rule: Don’t fall in love at the Jersey Shore.” Good rule, Ron Ron. Although I think everyone goes down to the shore with that rule in mind, perhaps amended a little bit to “Don’t get an STD at the Jersey Shore.” I’m pretty sure that’s what you meant, though. I get it. As mentioned in the previous entry, Ronnie invented perhaps the greatest term of American history – “smooshed.” As in, “had sexual intercourse.” He smooshed Sammi. This act of smooshing has put Ronnie in the compromising position of maybe – just maybe – falling in love within the 2 or 3 weeks that they have been at the Jersey Shore so far. Evidenced by the fact that he told Sammi, “I thought this house was the best thing that ever happened to me. But you are.” Romantic? Natch. But if the best thing that has ever happened to Ronnie in 23 years was going on vacation to Sleazeside for  a few weeks to work at a t-shirt shop, but then it turns out that smooshing some girl with the personality of a fairly innocuous toaster is the real best thing that has ever happened to him, perhaps Ronnie falls into the category of people for whom considering ending it all is not necessarily the worst idea.

THE SITUATION – 27, Staten Island, NY

“Mike may have a sensitive side, but he has plenty of game to go with it.” Let the record show that I kind of love The Situation. However, I’m not sure that it can be called a sensitive side if said sensitive side is only used for getting ladies to talk to him and swoon for his abdominal situation. His go-to pick up line is ‘Seriously though, you look really nice today. You really do. You look nice. You do. You really do. Look nice.’ Very sensitive, The Situation. However, despite also being about 5 years too old for his antics, The Situation’s redeeming quality is a relatively biting wit and as much of a way with words as any of these guys could possibly hope for. He is easily the most interesting person on the show, due to his valiant attempts to use the word “situation” as a name, noun, verb, and adjective all in the same sentence and for coming up with the delightfully degrading term ‘the grenade’ for a less-than-desirable lady whom Pauly D politely falls upon so The Situation can hook up with her hotter friend. I predict by the end of the season, The Situation will get himself into a statch rape situation which he will not be able to ugly-face-hot-bod his way out of, wiles and lingo aside. Only then will he truly know what his namesake is.

VINNY – 21, Staten Island, NY

“Having just turned 21, Vinny has been waiting for this summer his whole life and is ready for a wild time with no boundaries.” This sentence shows that Vinny is the only person on the show with an actual reason to both be at the shore and be Shitty City, USA at the shore – the little guy just turned 21! Because his behavior is excusable despite being presumably deplorable, Vinny gets pretty much no camera time. Who wants to see someone young being young? We’d rather see two old guys being young. Thus, the only notent notable about Vinny is that he got pink eye that one time. And that everyone thinks he got pink eye from basically sticking his face in a fat lady’s ass. This sounds like an exaggeration but is not. Maybe Vinny will become important later on. My instinct is that, unless he falls from a great height into a roommate’s vagina, he will not. And that might be your greatest blessing, dear Vinny. Be free! Stay irrelevant and live your life as it was meant to be lived – respecting your mother and being a harmless stereotype!

It will be interesting to see what these douchers think about Snooki getting punched in the face and I look forward to the next episode for this reason and more. There are more parts of this series to come, namely: the punch, “interesting” other articles of both praise and prudence for Jersey Shore, the t-shirt guy, and perhaps a liveblog or three? If given the opportunity to be by myself in the house in the next few days, I may even go back and re-watch the other episodes of Jersey Shore and write down some thoughts scene by scene. This is how much I am fascinated by this show/devoid of emotional depth. However, since my family is awfully judgmental of my awful taste in television, I will probably be unable to do so without facing more ridicule.





A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore, Part Two

23 12 2009

The characters.

Oh, the characters. What’s not to love? I can’t decide what is the best way to enjoy these people: to forget that they are  real and just think of them as a kooky writer’s creation OR to remember that these are real people. That people literally exist who think that Elvira hair + a Bump-it + fake ‘n bake = a hot piece, not a hot mess.

Being from the green zone, I have the pleasure of not knowing anyone like this. Have I seen them before? God yes, as I have been to several less-than-desirable locales, Long Island among them (though it’s not as bad as Staten Island, trust.) I even saw people having their wedding reception on the boardwalk two summers ago. And by “wedding reception”, I mean “groom was wearing his best white FUBU sweat-outfit, bride was wearing a white tube dress + bobby-pinned tulle in her hair, their kids were in a red wagon being pulled behind them.” Romance was in the air, y’all. Fairly sure there was ice cream involved.

IRREGARDLESS (which you would say if you were actually from Sleazeside, fyi) – let’s do a quick breakdown on the wonderful people we have met thus far on Jersey Shore, based on their champ bios on MTV.com. Let’s start with the ladies:

ANGELINA – 22, Staten Island.

“She always has something to say and doesn’t care what anyone else thinks.” People who claim that they don’t care what anyone else thinks are my least favorite people, whether they are on a gross, gross television show or in real life. Particularly people who pose like this lady over here. And particularly ladies who, though her life on Jersey Shore was short-lived, spend all of their time cock-blocking people for no reason. Why, why cock-block your roommates, B? Because she is j-jealz that other people can get action and she cannot. Particularly because her “boyfriend” is married? Has she never seen a television or movie in the last 20 years of her life where the phrase “He’s never gonna leave her” is uttered? At least the rest of the people on this show are entertaining trash. Angelina is like the RA on the first floor that sometimes comes up to your floor just because she can and writes you up for a noise violation at 8 pm on a Sunday. AKA a big jerk. As much as she sucks, I’ll give her credit for producing my favorite line from the show so far: “I’m a bartender. I do great things.” Which was in reference to why hocking t-shirts was beneath her. Okay, dummy.

J-WOWW – 23, Franklin Square, NY

“Impulsive and spontaneous, Jenni is a party girl with zero self control.” Umm… this is kind of the meanest bio I have ever read, MTV. Did J-WOWW approve this? J-WOWW, you should probably get on that. As if they weren’t openly mocking you on television, they are now internet openly mocking you. Yeesh. Although, speaking of internet, J-WOWW has the greatest personal website and guess what – they’re hiring! So not only can you get signed posters on jwoww.com, but you can “get paid to party” if you look at the bottom of the second poster on this page. J-WOWW’s sidekick? Is that one of the “all positions open”? She’s kind of the best, let’s be real. Thinking about asking my hairdresser to make my hair look disgusting and then going up to a homeless man and asking him to rip all of my clothes apart because what am I going to do with a whole shirt? And then when the homeless man asks to keep the scraps, I’m going to be all like, “WWJWOWWD?” and take them back.

SAMMI – 22, Hazlet, NJ

“Her friends call her a sweetheart, but when it comes to guys she is a heartbreaker.” I’m not really sure I’ve heard anyone call this lady ‘Sweetheart’ since the first episode when someone called her Sweetheart before they even knew what her name was. Full disclosure – my mom is from Hazlet too. I spent many a day in Hazlet as a child. And I still find Sammi as boring as everything people usually think is boring. Poor The Situation, wasting his sweet, sweet, lady-getting talents on this lame-o. Congrats to her for the privilege of smooshing Ronnie. She alternately looks really skinny or vaguely chubby, it’s hard to put my finger on. Full disclosure – my fingers are usually covered in foodstuffs, so really, I should not be passing judgments. Also, did anyone notice when she was going to go mini-golfing with Ronnie and she was basically deciding between one purse, or putting that purse inside of another purse? My inkling is that this lady’s lightbulb is a little loose. And, having done well on my SAT’s, I feel comfortable making fun of her for that.

SNOOKI – 21, Marlboro, NY

“Her height has been as much of a strength as it has been an obstacle, and it will color her summer at the Shore in a big way.” Dear, sweet, innocent Snooki. You also have a totally weird bio. How is your height going to color your summer? Pretty sure your alcoholism, low self-esteem, and misunderstanding of why people are watching you eat pickles is probably going to color your summer instead. I’m not convinced that this girl knows what feminism is, but to say that she is pretty much the exact opposite of a feminist is only a vague exaggeration. My favorite example being when she started to eat her friends face like they were trapped in a space vacuum and sucking all of the remaining air out of her friend was the only way she was going to survive. Afterwards, she interviews that “that’s why girls kiss girls, to impress dudes.” Exactly, Snooki. Exactly. I hope this girl is aware that her stature qualifies her for handicap parking, which would really benefit everyone in the house. Also, never in my life have I seen hair like that. And never before have I wished that this would have come out prior to Halloween so I could have been her. Missed opportunity, MTV.

Next segment: The Boys. After that: SO MANY OTHER JERSEY SHORE THOUGHTS. Turns out I could probably write a paper on these kids. Will include: thoughts on the punch. Maybe I’ll liveblog the next episode. Though, sadly, Christmas is postponing it for this week. How can the Italians be so mad? At least MTV is celebrating Christmas like they would’ve wanted!





A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore, Part One

20 12 2009

Being from New Jersey, born and raised, I have the distinct pleasure of watching Jersey Shore from a perch of experience.

That’s right. I’m not only from New Jersey, I have gone down to the shore for most of the summers of my life. I’ve gone to many different parts of the shore – possibly even Seaside Heights (which is where the Jersey Shore people are and which, if you are a respectable shore-goer, you call Sleazeside Heights) – but mostly, I go way down the shore. Far enough down where you get away from the New York trash on the show. Unfortch, you start running into the Philly trash when you get far enough down, so really, there is no escape from outsiders invading our semi-fine beaches.

Let’s take a quick moment to map it up and see just what’s going on here. Geography up in this mo.

Break it down y'all.

Your “Jersey Shore” key:

Red dots – where these Jersey Shore kids are from. Please note – ONLY ONE is actually in NJ. There’s a big cluster where 3 different people are from Staten Island.

Red X – Seaside Heights

Yellow zone – Safe zone. This is North Jersey proper, aka a good place to be from. Above the blue line is too north. This is the boonies. This is where Weird, NJ type things happen. Below the line is too south. This is where most if not all of the Jersey stereotypes come from – accents, big hair, Bruce. You want to be in the yellow.

Green zone – The ideal sector of the Safe Zone. The pinnacle of Jersey balance. You live in NJ, but not near anything scary, you have enough highways to get to the mall, but you also have trees. Lots of trees. If you need to move to NJ, you need to move in here.

Green line – The part of the shore that it is acceptable to go to. Long Beach Island and south. If Seaside Heights did not exist, keep in mind that these people would end up in LBI, so you will probably want to venture even further south if you can. Remember: the further the drive, the further from New York you are.

Is this stuck up? You betcha. But you know what? For all of the crap New Jersey gets every day of the week, especially now that Jersey Shore is on and not enough people are fully aware of how Not Jersey it is, I think I am allowed to distance myself enough from these people to be stuck up about it. Green Zone, baby. Green Zone.

To Be Continued.





Things to Come

18 12 2009

Since I will apparently be snowed into my house tomorrow, I am sure I will have time to write these things down.

1. Home sweet home again.

2. Marijuana alive and well DURING A FLIGHT ACROSS THE COUNTRY. Way 2 go, airport security.

3. My true, New Jersey thoughts on MTV’s Jersey Shore.

4. A breakdown of the livejournal I just broke down. It’s 400 pages long. This will maybe take a while.

5. Maybe some end-of-year thoughts. I guess end-of-decade, but I’ve heard some mixed thoughts as to whether this is actually the end of a decade or not. Seems to me it is because there’s no more aughts to be had?

More to come. To keep you entertained, Paul finally updated our real-life-fan-fiction! http://pruse.wordpress.com





Animal Kingdom Missed Connections

12 12 2009

Because yesterday I ended up on goldfishconnections.com trying to figure out how Imma get my goldfish fed when I go home for Christmas: Extended Director’s Cut. They claim you only have to feed goldfish every 4 days and they can survive a week without food. I claim that how can you NOT feed those little googly eyes every day? How could you not feed anything every day, except sharks, spiders, and snakes? Whatevs.

The point is, upon speaking with my friend Malcolm, he mentioned that maybe I would meet my husband on that site. I said it’d have to be called goldfishmissedconnections.com for that to happen. He wrote me a goldfish missed connection.

Which made me think about other animals, as per usual.

Goldfish Missed Connections

“I was gold. You were gold. You were swimming around in circles for an hour. I was pretty much following you. We shared a meal and, I think, a moment.”

“You were behind the plastic green tropical plant. I was… man, where was I? You were behind the plastic green tropical plant. I was… man, where was I? You were behind the plastic green tropical plant. I was… man, where was I?”

“I was swimming around, eating some rocks and spitting them out because it turns out they were not good. You were skillfully floating around upside down, sunbathing. I yelled to you to ask you how you were doing that, but I couldn’t hear if you responded. I’m listening now.”

Turtle Missed Connections

“We climbed up on the log at the exact same time, you with your forest-camouflage shell. I lost y- oh no, wait. I can still see you. You haven’t really moved, and neither have I. Hey, I’m Ron. Tina? That’s a pretty name. How big’s my tail? Girl, I don’t know if you can even deal with this biz.”

“You were stuck upside down on your back when some gigantic creature with what can only be described as ‘freckles’ picked you up in  his claws and put you that way, letting out a maniacal and guttural sound. I tried to help you, but I couldn’t get enough momentum to flip you over because I am a turtle and can’t go fast. Sorry.”

Banana Mixed Connections:

“You were a brown beauty. I’m yellow with a little brown spot from where I fell when I was sooooo drunk the other day. If you’re down with the swirl, so am I. See you at breakfast?”

Cat Missed Connections:

“You were asleep. I was asleep. Actually, I didn’t really see you.”

“I laughed when you puked on the floor. But then I saw you digging around in my poop, and I knew it was love. We made eye contact; you hissed and accidentally puked on the floor again. Please, respond if you remember.”

Giraffe Missed Connections:

“You had a long neck. I had a long neck. I thought I was looking in a mirror, but then I realized I was looking at a beautiful angel. You ever think about going pro? With a neck like that, you could be in pictures, baby. I’m an agent, by the way. You’re going to want to respond to this one.”

“I was galloping really weirdly because our bodies are evolutionarily bizarro. You were so small, like a little dwarf giraffe, maybe only six feet high! Like a little baby giraffe. Oh, wait. You were a baby giraffe. Call me in two years.”

“We were nibbling on a tree together over by that one watering hole where Steven got devoured by like, eight lions last week. Our tongues touched by accident. You giraffe blushed. I started to say something, but you galloped away. It wasn’t going to be anything gross. All I was going to say is ‘Man, with tongues this long, it should be called kisssssssssing, am I right?’ I miss you.”

Gorilla Missed Connections:

“You and I were sitting back to back, picking at stuff on our hair. I don’t know if you were, but I was eating all the stuff I was finding. It was really delish, and I’d love to take you out to dinner one day and eat all of the stuff off of my body. Together.”

“I was getting pretty mad and beating my chest because some douche with weak sauce was stepping all up in my territory. You were discovering the basics of language and using your hands to communicate with some hairless gorilla-esque thing. I think your name was Koko. Please, Koko, how do you say ‘I feel a connection’?”

Aaaannddd I could do this all day it turns out. Recurring feature? I’m back to being an animal blog, whoops. And awesome. And mostly whoops.