A Topical Post about Newsworthy Affairs.

3 12 2009

There has been a lot of news recently regarding Tiger Woods. Poor little guy, maybe getting hit in the head with a golf club, maybe just being in a weird accident, maybe getting with two hot chicks at the same time. I’m sure he’s okay because I am sure he is made of Kevlar. It would explain a lot.

But how is the rest of his species dealing with this crisis?

An Open Letter to the other Tigers of the world,

Dear Tigers,

Hi guys. It’s me, Sarah Hayden. You may have seen me seeing some of you when I went to like, a million zoos over the summer. There actually weren’t too many of you there, but maybe you heard about it. Maybe you read my blog. I don’t know what tigers do all day. What do you guys do all day? Go to the mall? Oh… MAUL things? Got it. Cool!

How are you? Are you upset about your friend Tiger Woods? I bet you read about that on your blogs. I just wanted to show some support for you, let you know that some of us regular people are thinking about you. I mean, I was a cat for Halloween, so you know. Some of my best friends are cats. Actually, that’s not true. They’re people. I hope that didn’t come off as facetious. I only meant to make you comfortable speaking with me, but now I feel as though I may have offended you. Man, the news is right. Racism is tough!

Have you guys thought about not being striped anymore? I mean, not to be rude, but orange and black stripes? A little gauche. You should check out what your bros in Siberia are doing – the all-white thing. It’s really fantast- oh, this is getting racist again. I’m not saying that white tigers are BETTER than regular tigers. I’m just saying maybe that color would suit you as well. Maybe it would help you get your confidence back, make you a little more blendy-inny than orange and black stripes. Although maybe orange and black is pretty blendy-inny in the jungle? I’m not totally sure, I’ve never been there. I’m from New Jersey. No, the good part of it. No, the part without all the hair gel. Yeah, that part.

I fear I’ve offended you again, tigers, I’m sorry. I’m just trying to say – if you need someone to talk to during this mess, you need a shoulder to cry on, I’m here for you. Like I said, I was a Halloween cat. I know what it’s like to be in your situation – people trying to hit you with golf clubs, getting gross animal guts under your claws, being on cereal boxes even on days when you’re like “no, maybe not today” – I get it. So, if you need to talk, just let me know. You can email me if you want, or just reply to my blog. Or maybe next time I go to the zoo (which might be pretty soon, let’s be real – I mean does this girl have a life or WHAT, am I right, tigers?) you can just kind of stare at me blankly like you hate your life, and I’ll know that that means you’ve heard me.

I got yo back, tigers.

Warm regards,

Sarah Hayden, Esq.

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