A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore, Part Two

23 12 2009

The characters.

Oh, the characters. What’s not to love? I can’t decide what is the best way to enjoy these people: to forget that they are  real and just think of them as a kooky writer’s creation OR to remember that these are real people. That people literally exist who think that Elvira hair + a Bump-it + fake ‘n bake = a hot piece, not a hot mess.

Being from the green zone, I have the pleasure of not knowing anyone like this. Have I seen them before? God yes, as I have been to several less-than-desirable locales, Long Island among them (though it’s not as bad as Staten Island, trust.) I even saw people having their wedding reception on the boardwalk two summers ago. And by “wedding reception”, I mean “groom was wearing his best white FUBU sweat-outfit, bride was wearing a white tube dress + bobby-pinned tulle in her hair, their kids were in a red wagon being pulled behind them.” Romance was in the air, y’all. Fairly sure there was ice cream involved.

IRREGARDLESS (which you would say if you were actually from Sleazeside, fyi) – let’s do a quick breakdown on the wonderful people we have met thus far on Jersey Shore, based on their champ bios on MTV.com. Let’s start with the ladies:

ANGELINA – 22, Staten Island.

“She always has something to say and doesn’t care what anyone else thinks.” People who claim that they don’t care what anyone else thinks are my least favorite people, whether they are on a gross, gross television show or in real life. Particularly people who pose like this lady over here. And particularly ladies who, though her life on Jersey Shore was short-lived, spend all of their time cock-blocking people for no reason. Why, why cock-block your roommates, B? Because she is j-jealz that other people can get action and she cannot. Particularly because her “boyfriend” is married? Has she never seen a television or movie in the last 20 years of her life where the phrase “He’s never gonna leave her” is uttered? At least the rest of the people on this show are entertaining trash. Angelina is like the RA on the first floor that sometimes comes up to your floor just because she can and writes you up for a noise violation at 8 pm on a Sunday. AKA a big jerk. As much as she sucks, I’ll give her credit for producing my favorite line from the show so far: “I’m a bartender. I do great things.” Which was in reference to why hocking t-shirts was beneath her. Okay, dummy.

J-WOWW – 23, Franklin Square, NY

“Impulsive and spontaneous, Jenni is a party girl with zero self control.” Umm… this is kind of the meanest bio I have ever read, MTV. Did J-WOWW approve this? J-WOWW, you should probably get on that. As if they weren’t openly mocking you on television, they are now internet openly mocking you. Yeesh. Although, speaking of internet, J-WOWW has the greatest personal website and guess what – they’re hiring! So not only can you get signed posters on jwoww.com, but you can “get paid to party” if you look at the bottom of the second poster on this page. J-WOWW’s sidekick? Is that one of the “all positions open”? She’s kind of the best, let’s be real. Thinking about asking my hairdresser to make my hair look disgusting and then going up to a homeless man and asking him to rip all of my clothes apart because what am I going to do with a whole shirt? And then when the homeless man asks to keep the scraps, I’m going to be all like, “WWJWOWWD?” and take them back.

SAMMI – 22, Hazlet, NJ

“Her friends call her a sweetheart, but when it comes to guys she is a heartbreaker.” I’m not really sure I’ve heard anyone call this lady ‘Sweetheart’ since the first episode when someone called her Sweetheart before they even knew what her name was. Full disclosure – my mom is from Hazlet too. I spent many a day in Hazlet as a child. And I still find Sammi as boring as everything people usually think is boring. Poor The Situation, wasting his sweet, sweet, lady-getting talents on this lame-o. Congrats to her for the privilege of smooshing Ronnie. She alternately looks really skinny or vaguely chubby, it’s hard to put my finger on. Full disclosure – my fingers are usually covered in foodstuffs, so really, I should not be passing judgments. Also, did anyone notice when she was going to go mini-golfing with Ronnie and she was basically deciding between one purse, or putting that purse inside of another purse? My inkling is that this lady’s lightbulb is a little loose. And, having done well on my SAT’s, I feel comfortable making fun of her for that.

SNOOKI – 21, Marlboro, NY

“Her height has been as much of a strength as it has been an obstacle, and it will color her summer at the Shore in a big way.” Dear, sweet, innocent Snooki. You also have a totally weird bio. How is your height going to color your summer? Pretty sure your alcoholism, low self-esteem, and misunderstanding of why people are watching you eat pickles is probably going to color your summer instead. I’m not convinced that this girl knows what feminism is, but to say that she is pretty much the exact opposite of a feminist is only a vague exaggeration. My favorite example being when she started to eat her friends face like they were trapped in a space vacuum and sucking all of the remaining air out of her friend was the only way she was going to survive. Afterwards, she interviews that “that’s why girls kiss girls, to impress dudes.” Exactly, Snooki. Exactly. I hope this girl is aware that her stature qualifies her for handicap parking, which would really benefit everyone in the house. Also, never in my life have I seen hair like that. And never before have I wished that this would have come out prior to Halloween so I could have been her. Missed opportunity, MTV.

Next segment: The Boys. After that: SO MANY OTHER JERSEY SHORE THOUGHTS. Turns out I could probably write a paper on these kids. Will include: thoughts on the punch. Maybe I’ll liveblog the next episode. Though, sadly, Christmas is postponing it for this week. How can the Italians be so mad? At least MTV is celebrating Christmas like they would’ve wanted!

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24 12 2009

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