A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore: Part Five

20 01 2010

Sadly, the favorite part of my week is almost over. Just one sad episode left tomorrow, and then our lives go back to being completely meaningless once again. It’s like Nietsche knew that eventually our society would see this very show, experience The Situation uninviting Sammi to Ravioli Night, the show would end, and then everyone would become totally nihilist. And he knew that something called Facebook would be around, and he would train his supporters to pass down the message that they should make a fan page for him after this happened. And then, everyone who used to be a fan of Jersey Shore would then go on facebook and become a fan of Nihilism and then he could be all like, “Take THAT, God!” and maybe get a ticket out of limbo. But probably not.

Long story short, I’m really going to miss Jersey Shore.

That said, here are some of my favorite Jersey Shore inspired sketches and videos from the past few weeks.

1. SNOOKI READS THE WEATHER

The style. The finesse. Little Schnooks has a bright future in squinting at teleprompters. Someone get this girl to an awards ceremony ASAP (which, corollary, when are the MTV Movie Awards? If anyone wants to lose some money, I’d bet you $1000 the cast gets to introduce a category. Or at the very least, a musical act. At the very VERY least, they’ll be involved in a video.)

Also, love that she basically calls the ladycaster an old bitch, backtracks with the Jersey Shore equivalent of class, and then proves that she doesn’t wear a Bump-It. Oh, Snooki. Whether there’s a Bump-It in there or not is not the problem. It’s the Pouf itself.

Double also, can’t believe that weather man wants to get with Snooki so bad. But in the words of ol’ Snook “I mean, if he came on to me, I wouldn’t tell him to get off.”

2. MICHAEL CERA BECOMES A GUIDO

It’s really hard to tell who has less of an idea who the other person/people is/are: Michael Cera or the cast of Jersey Shore. I guess the cast probably saw Superbad, but something tells me Arrested Development is like, eight steps above their intelligence percentiles.

No matter. Because it’s a collision of two of MY favorite things, and that’s what MTV should revolve around anyway – Sarah Hayden’s interests. Michael Cera trying to beat the shit out of whatever air pinata they fist pump into circa 3:45, and Michael Cera saying, “I can’t remember if I’m a medium Ed Hardy or a small.” One of life’s greatest mysteries, Michael Cera.

3. LITTLE JERSEY SHORE

I can’t figure out how to embed this, just check it out.

I love this. And I love that it may or may not just be a home video from the cast’s childhood and they have secretly known each other for years. Nothing better than adults hitting on children, and then children physically hitting the adults back. “You wanna play trucks?” Hells yeah she does, Pauly D.

4. THE SITUATION NICKNAMES CONAN

Unfortch, this clip does not have The Situation explaining how he got his own nickname (which is basically just him completely misunderstanding his friends, and then just going with it) but you can look that one up yourself. This clip is great for 2 reasons. 1: Snooki has to have a little box for her feet, even when sitting on a couch. 2: Conan’s sheer joy at landing such a nickname. And bonus great thing about this clip: The Situation in a velvet blazer. The fact that it doesn’t look like crushed velvet makes me think it’s actually velour. Which is much more Shore-esque.

5. THE CAST AS POSSIBLE CLASSICALLY TRAINED ACTORS

The only thing better than the cast trying to act like themselves is the cast trying to act like actors acting like themselves. I like to think that everyone is trying to pull off a British accent, but Pauly D is the only one that comes vaguely close. Since he presumably played an orphan of sorts in whatever all-guido elementary school production of Oliver! that he must have participated in to win an accent like that.

6. SNOOKI ON SNL’S WEEKEND UPDATE

I also can’t figure out how to embed this. Internet fail for me today.

This is just a fantastic impression. When things like this happen, I wonder if the people being made fun of see the clip and are either super offended or super into it. In Snooki’s case, I can assume she wants to get Bobby Moynihan drunk and smoosh him for paying any sort of attention to her. Why would anyone call her Garfield? “Because I’m bright orange and I love lasagna.” Also, back abs. Love it.

7. BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE’S JERSEY SHORE AUDITION TAPE

Bobby Bottleservice is a true class act. He loves his mother, and what more can you ask of a man? Additionally, Jersey Shore may have been the best thing to happen to him, since him not being on the show (or real) might be the worst thing to happen to America. Maybe season 2. Good work, Nick Kroll. A big step up from the Geico cavemen. Who, coincidentally, would probably also get along really well being on Jersey Shore?

If I keep looking for my favorite videos, I’m never going to get anything done for the rest of my life. Know that they exist. Just know

Next week: We say goodbye to Jersey Shore. Until next season, duh.

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Things I Have Done at Work Today Instead of Working

14 01 2010

Among other things, natch.

1. Eat cereal. Ralph’s brand Apple Cinnamon Toasted Oats. A little more appley than Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, but for two dollars, you can’t really complain.

2. Eat a sandwich that I made. Yellow American cheese, turkey, mayo, lettuce, “classic” white bread. As opposed to New Age white bread. All I can really tell is that “classic” white bread is kind of too big for my sandwich bags. But just barely.

3. Eat a bagel with cream cheese. Also of the Ralph’s variety. The bag does not give a type of bagel outside of “assorted.” But they aren’t assorted, they are all one kind. But there are assorted things on them. The closest I can get is that these are everything bagels. Whatever. They’ll do.

4. Admire the new deodorant I got yesterday. Dove’s [something] and Green Tea scent. It’s the first step that I have taken away from Baby Powder smelling deodorant. On purpose at least. I have several times used other kinds of deodorant by accident. So far, so great. I smell delightful. Although the hand soap in the bathroom smells just like my old deodorant, which makes me wonder if I’m receiving signs that I made a mistake. Doubt it.

5. Creeped around on Facebook. Happy birthday, Chris Hejl.

6. Creeped around on Twitter. Every time I assume Twitter is something that is probably on Stuff White People Like, I take a look at the trending topics and realize that a lot of black teenagers with really creative typing slash spelling habits also like Twitter. Bizarro. “uknowurbreathstink” and “IfUCheatOnMe” are big right now.

7. Tried out about 50 different body positions in my chair to try to figure out what is the most comfortable way to sit. Accidentally fell asleep for a few minutes. Found a winner.

8. Spent about a half hour trying to remember my password to some random bank account I opened in college. Succeeded.

9. Spent another half hour trying to figure out if I can transfer all of the money out of it and close it without going to the bank. Failed.

10. Strategized about my Jersey Shore fantasy team on www.fafarazzi.com . Made a big mistake last week when I didn’t put Ronnie on my team because I assumed that since he clearly got in a fight (big points), but then got arrested, that he would be leaving the show (negative big points). In fact, he was NOT kicked out, and all of those points were wasted. Turns out there’s 2 HOURS OF JERSEY SHORE tonight, so I’m going with The Situation, Ronnie, and Sammi, as they’ll probably at least make out and give me some points.

Also, did some work. I’m great at research and making Word documents, just FYI, employers. Also, employers, please ignore the list above. If you were paying me (or, if anyone was paying me), I would spend considerably less time eating sandwiches and creeping around the internet.





A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore, Part 4

10 01 2010

FACE PUNCH.

Where to begin.

As a lady who has been punched in the face by both a dude and a lady (by choice, no worries here) and as a lady who has been punched in the face AND had it videotaped (also by choice, no worries again. Long story. I almost got kicked out of my dorm because apparently, asking someone to punch you in the face so you can see what a black eye is like is frowned upon at NU. Who knew? Everyone) I can’t understand why MTV would black out this punch during the actual episode.

1. You already showed it in all of the previews. It’s not like anyone interested in Jersey Shore has not already seen it.

2. The news went ahead and showed it like, six billion times. So it’s not like anyone interested in the news has not already seen it.

3. You show dudes getting punched in the face by dudes CONSTANTLY.

4. You showed Snooki get punched in the face (slapped/hit/maybe not totally punched) by a girl two episodes later.

5. You have shown way more effed up biz than Snooki getting Snooki’d. Um, Jackass, anyone? A lot of episodes of True Life, anyone? Tom Green’s testicular surgery, anyone?

So seriously, the only reason to black it out is to annoy me.

I’m no feminist, but I think showing boys hit boys, girls hit girls, girls hit boys, and NOT show boys hit girls is vaguely misogynistic. Maybe. Not totally sure. Either way, to put in a disclaimer about domestic abuse against women was a little over the top. I don’t think it really constitutes domestic abuse if they are not in a relationship and it’s just some rando drunkard punching another rando drunkard, boy or girl.

Obvs, poor Snooki. And in no way do I condone what happened. I just think, after having sat through people shooting up and people getting their testicles removed and people paper cutting all of the skin between their digits, I’m ready to watch a girl get sucker punched at the shore.

But besides all that.

HOLY CRAP, WHAT A TAKE DOWN! In a bad way. Snooki, bless her heart, took it like a champ. The chant of “Please don’t let me be missing any teeth” in the bathroom was particularly poignant. Because that would be anyone’s first instinct. Dentists are expensive, friends. And with several missing teeth, she’d probably have to get dentures, which means denture glue, which is sooooo not conducive to finding a hot, juiced up guido husband in Seaside Heights, NJ.

Although, my favorite thing to come out of this is the phrase “to get Snooki’d.” I went back to the ol’ Dirty Jerz for Christmas/New Year’s and found myself in a North Jersey bar. Nowhere near Sleazeside. And yet, these bars always seem to be filled with guidos because there are a lot of you-are-a-total-idiot-if-you-can’t-get-into-this-college colleges in the area, which sort of breeds the type of bar goers who also may be the type of people to own their own tanning beds. I’m not saying the kids on Jersey Shore are dumb. I’m just saying that maybe these colleges were their reach schools.

Every single time I have been to these bars, without fail, there has been a bar fight. You put a lot of people in a small space and put a bunch of made-up slooters in front of a bunch of disgusting, Christiane Audigier worshiping bros, and there’s bound to be some pugilism. Anyway, this particular night, it was probably a week or two after the epic facepunch episode, so Jersey kids were at their peak of national recognition. Some guy starts punching some other guy, and they are swiftly taken away from the bar. All is calm until someone yells out “That dude just got SNOOKI’D!” and then, the dogs were unleashed. Who let the dogs out? That guy, in the back. The entire bar – the ENTIRE bar – starts chanting “Snooki, Snooki, Snooki” as this dude is kicked out of the bar.

Forget The Battle of Morristown. Forget George Washington. Forget Patriot’s Path. This, this moment in the bar, was a true New Jersey historical moment. Someday, there will be statues of dear Snooki erected in our public parks. “Live free or get Snooki’d” they’ll say. The children will read about her on their whatever-will-be-superior-to-the-Kindle-in-2100s. Moms will name their daughters Snooki, only to have them be called “Schnooki” or “Snickers” in school, because no one will care enough about their weird, half oaf/half dwarf faces to actually worry about what their names are in the first place.

And it will be righteous.

For the five of you that maybe haven’t seen this facepunch, a link, which is a delightful music video-esque cut of all of the punches they showed up to and including the Snooki punch. AKA what they would show, and what they deemed too inappropes to show:

Oh, Snooki. We thought this was the end. And yet, you got punched in the face again this week. You, my friend, have a magnet for facepunches.





On Gay Marriage.

8 01 2010

More like GREAT MARRIAGE.

There are many political issues that I have no trouble seeing the other side of.

Abortion? Got it. Some people think a glob of cells is a person. Some do not.

Death Penalty? Sure. Some people think that death is a worse (better?) punishment than sitting in a cell for the rest of your life. Some do not.

Gun control? Okay, fine. Some people think that letting anyone who wants a gun have a gun is great and not at all problematic. Some do not.

But I have a really tough time wrapping my head around the other side of gay marriage. The closest I can understand is that some people just don’t want gay people to use the word “marriage”, as “marriage”, the word, should signify a church wedding. Which, semantically, I guess so. But they’re just going to call themselves married anyway, so who cares? I don’t envision people going around being like Hi, I’m Sarah and I’m civil-unioned to Edith. This is my civil-unioned life partner, Edith.

The argument I’ve most heard and that I most like is that a gay marriage is in no way going to affect your day. If you don’t know anyone who’s gay now, then you will probably continue to not know anyone who is gay after gay marriage is legal and thus, will have no problem just not knowing anyone who is gay married. If you do know gay people now, you probably heart them and would like to see them able to get the same tax benefits as anyone else you know. You know, like a person.

Having spent good amounts of time with gays, in gay clubs, watching gay people on TV – being gay should just be NBD. Plus, think about all of the great ways gay marriage will affect your life. I’m looking right at you, fellow 20somethings, who are going to have to start going to a lot of weddings (so I hear. Invite me please. I didn’t even throw up at the last wedding I attended!)

1. GAY WEDDING RECEPTIONS. Are you kidding me? This is my dream come true. Lady Gaga abounds. Cocktails. Tasteful decorations. If it’s anything like Boystown in Chicago, a lot of shirts are removed by a lot of people, and sometimes a drag queen will tell you you have great boobs and feel you up. And maybe, just maybe, if it is a cash bar, someone might ask you if you are gay and you can say “I don’t know” and then BAM! Free drinks all night. I’m not saying I know, I’m just saying. I know.

2. GIFTS FROM YOUR GAY MARRIED FRIENDS. Are going to be so much classier and thoughtful than gifts you get from your husband-and-wife crowd. Because in the husband-and-wife crowd, you know the wife is the only one thinking about said gift, and the husband may or may not sign the card. Husband-and-husband and wife-and-wife crowd? Both minds will be in on your gift, and you will get double thoughtfulness. And even if it is a terrible gift, it will be from the double heart, and that’s okay.

3. GAY WEDDING ANNIVERSARY PARTIES. Pretty much the same as #1. You know these folks are going to actually appreciate being married since they are ridiculously having to fight for that right, so duh. Yearly anniversary parties. No questions asked.

4. DIVORCE RATES DOWN. At least for a while. I figure that once gay marriage is legal, there will be an influx of marriages across the nation. And they can’t all get divorced at the same time. And I assume couples that have been together for years and years already will probably not get divorced. So, with a ton of extra marriages one year and then even the same yearly amount of divorces that we have now, all of a sudden, divorce rate drops from like, 50% to more like 45% and America can stop looking like such marriage idiots to the rest of the world. Will probably stay low too until gay people realize that marriage is not all it’s cracked up to be in 5 or 10 years, and then we will continue to look like marriage idiots again.

5. CASH MONEY BLING BLING. Correct me if I’m wrong, but we are in mondo debt right now. And people intending to get married have to pay for a marriage license from some sort of governmental body, no? This is like turning down free money. Why be cash chuckers when we can just increase the amount of people eligible to pay for things? Blah blah blah economics.

Just let my friends get married. Geez.

Corollary, whether or not I get married before gay marriage is legal (probably not, let’s be real), I am definitely having a Gay Marriage themed wedding. Reception at Hydrate because it’s open until 4 am like any respectable establishment should be (please, LA bars, take note. No one wants to go home at 1:30 AM.)

Double corollary, this outrage all stems from my own home state of New Jersey nixing a gay marriage bill. And you know what kills me? Is that a bunch of Democrats – alleged Democrats – abstained from the vote. If it had lost by even more because everyone voted, fine, that’s politics. But to have such an important vote and not even vote on it? You’re a jerk. And now Chris Christie is taking over and has already promised to veto any bill on gay marriage. The man so nice they named him twice. Insert your own girth joke here.

And during the same season that we were given “Jersey Shore.” The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away I suppose.





New Year’s Comparison

2 01 2010

I’ve been inspired by both reading through this old Livejournal of mine (in which every entry is either about a crush that I had or a party that I went to, which is kind of like reliving college through the eyes of the LAMEST PERSON ON EARTH. How were any of you guys friends with me, geez) and also by my new internetquaintance Be The Boy (who is endlessly entertaining and would probably cringe at these LAMEST PERSON ON EARTH entries).

These two things have inspired me to take a look at some old things I was thinking about during New Year’s pasts and see how they hold up to what I’m thinking about this New Year’s present.

I’d look into old resolutions, but I’ve only made one resolution in my whole life, and it was broken within two hours of New Year’s. Thus, I did not make any more.

INVESTIGATION: COMMENCE.

Before January 1, 2005, I looked back at 2004. Some things on my mind:

– Being in college for the first time.
– My brother being in the Marines.
– Having gotten major surgery that year.
– I got written up three times within like, 2 months of college? I did not remember this. Dennis the Menace.
– Generally balancing my high schooler tendencies with college expectations. I was a weirdo.

Before January 1, 2006, here’s what I was thinking about during 2005:

– My brother being in Iraq for a good chunk of the year. Scarifying.
– Creating and premiering my first film in college, Guerrilla Gorilla (which was well received, but was basically the film that almost wasn’t.)
– Joining a sorority. Laff laff laff, I still can’t believe that happened.
– Doing really insane things over the summer with my high school friends and liking them more after high school than I did during high school, which is still true. We went to the shore, Connecticut, and Canada.
– Being in crove with a billion people and apparently wanting a boyfriend really badly. For like, the whole year. So hilaribarrassing. Crove, of course, is more than a crush, less than a love. Crove.

Before Jan 1, 2007, I looked back at 2006:

– Spending 3 weeks over the summer in the hospital with the mystery disease. Turned out to be CMV, which it turns out most people just kind of have and it’s not a big deal. Not me!
– Participating in film, working on sets, being on the Studio 22 board. Making up for being an eff up frosh.
– Dropping out of my sorority. Short lived. Fun. An experience.
– Really not enjoying half of my roommates, particularly the pot head who literally stole my goldfish out of our house and kept him kidnapped at someone else’s house. I don’t think this kid ever graduated. And I don’t think I’m surprised.
– But, on the plus side, met one of my besties for life/the rest of college living in that house. Changed everything.

Before Jan 1, 2008, I looked back at 2007:

– Received a grant to make Slit and Commit. Living/breathing/sleeping the making of this movie. Loving and hating it all at the same time.
– Boyfriend dramz. Laffo.
– Living the dream with the roommates of Flop Haus 2.0.
– Turning 21. Loved it. So silly.
– Working for pay at The N for a couple of weeks. Also met the cast of Degrassi, basically rendering my life partially complete. At least my teenage hopes and dreams.

Before Jan 1, 2009, I looked back at 2008:

– Finishing, premiering, loving Slit and Commit. Cannes Film Festival, y’all.
– Graduating from Northwestern! Best and worst thing ever.
– Having a fantastic time finishing out college, doing ridiculous things, going to ridiculous parties, throwing ridiculous parties.
– Moving back home and starting to teach SAT prep class. Hilario Dawson in so many ways.
– Missing college, like whoa.

And finally, on January 1, 2010 (now January 2), I took a look back at 2009:

– Moving to LA. Biggest change in a long time. Still have mixed feelings.
– Still living at home for most of the year and honestly, really liking it, but knowing I had to peace out eventually.
– Trying, floundering at getting a real life, full time job. Will try harder in 2010.
– Working on the last day that the video store I worked at on and off for 8 years was still in business. Sad times. Except for all of the free DVDs I got.
– Having a great time making new friends and reconnecting with old friends. Bringing on a whole new bout of missing college, natch.

So, a good time was had by most during these last six years. Mostly all that has changed is my age. Hopefully a little more mature. Looking forward to a lot more good times with all of these people I’ve met. I like you guys.