Finally, the internet fame I’ve always dreamed of

25 07 2010

It took me until right now to realize that the picture I submitted to Passive Aggressive Notes made it on to the website. Very pleased. I need to check the internet more often.

Here it is, in all its glory:

Daddy, Why Are All The Cages Empty?

Only wish I’d realized earlier so that I could have capitalized off of all of this fame. T-shirts. Buttons. A raise at work. A true missed connection with my life.

Still, because it makes me happy and because it wasn’t on the original post, allow me to share another passive aggressive sign from the same zoo, taken by my dear bestie, Paul.

Firstly, the original picture from the post:

The original

And secondly, the BONUS MATERIALS:

The DVD extras

My favorite part is question 5. Seems like about 25 minutes – tops – of google searching would provide a better answer. But what do I know, I’m just a zoo enthusiast. An enzoosiast if you will. Yes, you will.

I already wrote about the zootravaganza when it happened last summer in real time. Just know that on my trip back to the shore this summer, I will do my best to re-visit our dear friends and see if any of them are still alive. Fingers crossed for our favorite, this weirdo half-chicken, half-duck looking mofo:

Affectionately deemed “Chuck” by Paulie.

That is all. Brushes with near-D-list-celebdom like this remind me that I really ought to write more. Also, use the word “ought” more.





Past Excursions into Imphotovising

19 02 2010

Some more pictures, some from last month, some from two + years ago, all chronicling my love for this practice.

2010

“You’re at a singles mixer for older people, you find yourself a little overimbibed to deal with the situation, and you’re trying to make conversation.”

“As powerful business gentlemen, you order some delicious veal to celebrate a job well done on the Johnson case.”

(Also, your friend is just embarrassed to be
seen with you.)


“Half fun, half earthquake.”

“The future has arrived and you can’t deal with it.”

“You are robots that have recently become self aware.”

2007 or 2008, who can tell?

“Washington crosses the Delaware.”

“You’re on a self-controlled roller coaster.”

“You’re at a very disappointing sausage fest.”

“You’re getting really sexually harrassy feeling.”

“Empathize with ugly people.”

“Japanese tourist on vacation in Illinois.”

“You’re at the zoo, making fun of the monkeys at the zoo, which causes everyone to look at you and challenges the binary of the zoo system in the first place.”

FIN.

Next up: some great examples so you too can start walking down this road, but won’t be frozen when asked to give a theme and get totally embarrassed in front of your more creative friends.





My Absolute Favorite Activity

19 02 2010

I love it more than watching TV.

I love it more than drinking.

I love it more than drinking and watching TV at the same time.

My favorite thing to do, and what I think everyone’s favorite thing to do should be is: taking themed pictures.

Improv + Photography + Narcissism = Hilarity for you and your friends, Mehlarity for your acquaintances, Jealousy from your frenemies who are clearly not as fun as you.

All you need to do is get a camera or webcam. Have several friends. Be in front of the camera. Call out totally random things and take a picture of your interpretation. Rinse. Repeat.

Some examples from a weekend of photographical debauchery and hard-to-obtain-levels-of-delusional-grandeur:

“You discovered electricity, but then you got electrocuted.”

“You live in Appalachia, and this is the first day you’ve ever seen or heard of the internet.”

“You sneeze in the midst of a very important corporate presentation. Deborah saw.”

“Said sneeze makes you so embarrassed that you puke everywhere. Including on Deborah.”

“You see a homeless orphan child on the road, who asks you for money.”

“After taking a class in the Religion department, you finally have your first interaction with God.”

“You can’t be entirely sure, but you’re pretty convinced your identity’s been stolen.”

“You’re a passenger aboard the good ship Titanic and you’ve just been informed that not only is the boat sinking, but the life rafts are full.”

(please note firstly how well we’re taking it,
and secondly, how much my Titanic sinking
face looks like my gross orphan face.)

More to come from less recent themed picture extravaganzas. Also, a list of themes to get you started on your own little adventure into being the center of your own universe.





Whoops, I forgot.

12 02 2010

It looks like “about two weeks” is the time it takes for both me to recover from Jersey Shore and for people to stop ending up on my blog because of J Woww boob searches.

And now J Woww boob will lead people here again. Vicious, vicious cycle.

In actuality, I took the last two weeks to reassess my life plan and subsequent life skillz. A few too many drunk dials and I took two weekends off of heavy drinking, which was pleasant, if boring.

Also, I applied to grad school. Because my assertion that “I will never go back to school” did not hold too much water. Like every gallon of milk I seem to buy, it didn’t lose all of its liquid, but I had to put the remaining liquid in a big bowl and drink it with a ladle, risking mysterious disease. (That doesn’t happen to anyone else?) So I decided that now, not later, should be the time for me to get a master’s so that later, not now, I can be a teacher. When I’m tired of LA and I want to live in the suburbs and still be vaguely relevant to a group of teenagers. That’s the game plan.

This all boils down to “I was too busy to write things down.” I started working 6 days a week. Not pretty. But kind of hilarious sometimes. The giggles that transpire when I can’t think straight.

But, I’m back. I’ve got some time and thoughts today and since, for whatever reason, the ENTIRE OFFICE IS NOT HERE, I will probably write some stuff today. It’s hard to write without Jersey Shore in my life. J Woww Boob.

Today’s lack of office reminds me of the opening scene of my favorite Northwestern student film and my magnum opus of acting, Vomorama. Which you can watch right now:





Things I Have Done at Work Today Instead of Working

14 01 2010

Among other things, natch.

1. Eat cereal. Ralph’s brand Apple Cinnamon Toasted Oats. A little more appley than Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, but for two dollars, you can’t really complain.

2. Eat a sandwich that I made. Yellow American cheese, turkey, mayo, lettuce, “classic” white bread. As opposed to New Age white bread. All I can really tell is that “classic” white bread is kind of too big for my sandwich bags. But just barely.

3. Eat a bagel with cream cheese. Also of the Ralph’s variety. The bag does not give a type of bagel outside of “assorted.” But they aren’t assorted, they are all one kind. But there are assorted things on them. The closest I can get is that these are everything bagels. Whatever. They’ll do.

4. Admire the new deodorant I got yesterday. Dove’s [something] and Green Tea scent. It’s the first step that I have taken away from Baby Powder smelling deodorant. On purpose at least. I have several times used other kinds of deodorant by accident. So far, so great. I smell delightful. Although the hand soap in the bathroom smells just like my old deodorant, which makes me wonder if I’m receiving signs that I made a mistake. Doubt it.

5. Creeped around on Facebook. Happy birthday, Chris Hejl.

6. Creeped around on Twitter. Every time I assume Twitter is something that is probably on Stuff White People Like, I take a look at the trending topics and realize that a lot of black teenagers with really creative typing slash spelling habits also like Twitter. Bizarro. “uknowurbreathstink” and “IfUCheatOnMe” are big right now.

7. Tried out about 50 different body positions in my chair to try to figure out what is the most comfortable way to sit. Accidentally fell asleep for a few minutes. Found a winner.

8. Spent about a half hour trying to remember my password to some random bank account I opened in college. Succeeded.

9. Spent another half hour trying to figure out if I can transfer all of the money out of it and close it without going to the bank. Failed.

10. Strategized about my Jersey Shore fantasy team on www.fafarazzi.com . Made a big mistake last week when I didn’t put Ronnie on my team because I assumed that since he clearly got in a fight (big points), but then got arrested, that he would be leaving the show (negative big points). In fact, he was NOT kicked out, and all of those points were wasted. Turns out there’s 2 HOURS OF JERSEY SHORE tonight, so I’m going with The Situation, Ronnie, and Sammi, as they’ll probably at least make out and give me some points.

Also, did some work. I’m great at research and making Word documents, just FYI, employers. Also, employers, please ignore the list above. If you were paying me (or, if anyone was paying me), I would spend considerably less time eating sandwiches and creeping around the internet.





New Year’s Comparison

2 01 2010

I’ve been inspired by both reading through this old Livejournal of mine (in which every entry is either about a crush that I had or a party that I went to, which is kind of like reliving college through the eyes of the LAMEST PERSON ON EARTH. How were any of you guys friends with me, geez) and also by my new internetquaintance Be The Boy (who is endlessly entertaining and would probably cringe at these LAMEST PERSON ON EARTH entries).

These two things have inspired me to take a look at some old things I was thinking about during New Year’s pasts and see how they hold up to what I’m thinking about this New Year’s present.

I’d look into old resolutions, but I’ve only made one resolution in my whole life, and it was broken within two hours of New Year’s. Thus, I did not make any more.

INVESTIGATION: COMMENCE.

Before January 1, 2005, I looked back at 2004. Some things on my mind:

– Being in college for the first time.
– My brother being in the Marines.
– Having gotten major surgery that year.
– I got written up three times within like, 2 months of college? I did not remember this. Dennis the Menace.
– Generally balancing my high schooler tendencies with college expectations. I was a weirdo.

Before January 1, 2006, here’s what I was thinking about during 2005:

– My brother being in Iraq for a good chunk of the year. Scarifying.
– Creating and premiering my first film in college, Guerrilla Gorilla (which was well received, but was basically the film that almost wasn’t.)
– Joining a sorority. Laff laff laff, I still can’t believe that happened.
– Doing really insane things over the summer with my high school friends and liking them more after high school than I did during high school, which is still true. We went to the shore, Connecticut, and Canada.
– Being in crove with a billion people and apparently wanting a boyfriend really badly. For like, the whole year. So hilaribarrassing. Crove, of course, is more than a crush, less than a love. Crove.

Before Jan 1, 2007, I looked back at 2006:

– Spending 3 weeks over the summer in the hospital with the mystery disease. Turned out to be CMV, which it turns out most people just kind of have and it’s not a big deal. Not me!
– Participating in film, working on sets, being on the Studio 22 board. Making up for being an eff up frosh.
– Dropping out of my sorority. Short lived. Fun. An experience.
– Really not enjoying half of my roommates, particularly the pot head who literally stole my goldfish out of our house and kept him kidnapped at someone else’s house. I don’t think this kid ever graduated. And I don’t think I’m surprised.
– But, on the plus side, met one of my besties for life/the rest of college living in that house. Changed everything.

Before Jan 1, 2008, I looked back at 2007:

– Received a grant to make Slit and Commit. Living/breathing/sleeping the making of this movie. Loving and hating it all at the same time.
– Boyfriend dramz. Laffo.
– Living the dream with the roommates of Flop Haus 2.0.
– Turning 21. Loved it. So silly.
– Working for pay at The N for a couple of weeks. Also met the cast of Degrassi, basically rendering my life partially complete. At least my teenage hopes and dreams.

Before Jan 1, 2009, I looked back at 2008:

– Finishing, premiering, loving Slit and Commit. Cannes Film Festival, y’all.
– Graduating from Northwestern! Best and worst thing ever.
– Having a fantastic time finishing out college, doing ridiculous things, going to ridiculous parties, throwing ridiculous parties.
– Moving back home and starting to teach SAT prep class. Hilario Dawson in so many ways.
– Missing college, like whoa.

And finally, on January 1, 2010 (now January 2), I took a look back at 2009:

– Moving to LA. Biggest change in a long time. Still have mixed feelings.
– Still living at home for most of the year and honestly, really liking it, but knowing I had to peace out eventually.
– Trying, floundering at getting a real life, full time job. Will try harder in 2010.
– Working on the last day that the video store I worked at on and off for 8 years was still in business. Sad times. Except for all of the free DVDs I got.
– Having a great time making new friends and reconnecting with old friends. Bringing on a whole new bout of missing college, natch.

So, a good time was had by most during these last six years. Mostly all that has changed is my age. Hopefully a little more mature. Looking forward to a lot more good times with all of these people I’ve met. I like you guys.





Happy New Year, All.

31 12 2009

Tonight will probably be a quiet night, as last night was my cousin’s wedding. Cigarettes were smoked. Spills were taken. I decided to tell most of my extended family about my deepest, darkest secret.

Whoops.

As such, all things in moderation tonight. Maybe. Who knows.

I need a shower.

Some things to do in 2010:

– Continue to enjoy life.

– Get used to California.

– Get a real life job.

– Get a real life.

– Reinstate my Netflix account so I have something interesting to small talk about again.

– Focus on not sending as many ridiculous texts and making so many ridiculous phonecalls whilst inebriated/intoxicated/shitfacedicated.

– Take more responsibility.

– Stay skinny so I can attract a hot, rich male benefactor. PSYCH. Just kidding. Kind of. Not really. No I am. But not really.

Happy New Year, friends and family. May it be full of fist pumping.





First Ten Memories of the Decade

27 12 2009

As in, one memory per year of the decade. In chronological order. Not the most important memories or the best or the worst, but the first thing I remember about each of the years involved.

AKA, a completely arbitrary list, my favorite.

THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND IN…

2000. I graduated from 8th grade in 2000 and I remember that there were 83 kids in my grade (I think), we all had to wear light colored dresses, and that there was a huge debate about whether Vitamin C’s “Graduation” or Green Day’s “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” should be our graduation song. Green Day won because someone could play it on the guitar, but then you couldn’t hear the guitar anyway. Also this one girl got her period and it went right through her dress into a puddle on her chair and it was probably the most embarrassing day of her life, but I think we all learned a valuable lesson about wide set vaginas and heavy flows that day. Also, about tampons.

2001. Freshman/Sophomore year of high school. This was the first year that I kissed a boy outside of a game of spin the bottle (which I continued to play throughout college and really, hope to play for the rest of my life.) It was super awkward. There was a Spongebob Squarepants marathon involved and a day sledding at the high school and a bout of wrestling. A lot of this encounter may explain a lot of things about me, including my love of Spongebob and also my love of challenging people to wrestling matches. I also kissed a boy at New Year’s that year. In one scenario, I stomped on someone’s heart. In the other, I got my heart stomped on. 2001 was a really tough year for several reasons, those included.

2002. Sophomore/Junior year of high school. While doing my six hours of driving to get my license that year, my driving instructor was nuts. He asked if he could smoke while we were driving. We had to stop at a gas station and fill the car up with oil, which it was leaking. We went to another driving school’s course to learn how to parallel park. A car from that driving school showed up, and my teacher was like, “We have to leave. Now. NOW!” He basically got stared down by the other car while we were leaving. Once slammed on the breaks while I was driving and said I had to be prepared for everything (including, apparently, a driving instructor slamming on his breaks). So. Effing. Weird.

2003. Junior/Senior year of high school. I remember very specifically getting my SAT scores in the mail and not being able to add the numbers in my head, so when my parents said “Sarah!” I couldn’t tell if it was a good thing or a bad thing. Only when my mom said the number outloud did I realize that a) it was a good thing and b) it was highly ironic/pathetic that I did so well in math and did not have the math skillz to decipher how well I did. It was the start of a lingering suspicion among many relatives and friends that I might actually be an idiot savant.

2004. Senior year of high school/Freshman year of college. Right before high school graduation, a few of my friends and I went down to our shorehouse to have fun. I’m pretty sure my cousin bought me alcohol – first and last time. Over the course of the few days, we were invited to a party at the house at the end of our street. We attended and realized about half way through that it was a party being thrown by a bunch of police officers. Being 18 (or 17 in some cases), we decided it was definitely in our best interest to stay at this party, do Irish car bombs with these cops, and try to coerce many of the cops into taking pictures with us. In true Jersey Shore form, this is not even the dumbest thing we’ve ever participated in down there, but it was epic to our high school lives. Also constituted perhaps the 3rd time I ever drank in high school, which contributed to a very messy freshman year of college.

2005. Freshman/Sophomore year of college. In the spring of 2005, I convinced friends to both punch me in the face and hit me with their car (very low speed, no worries). For getting punched in the face and refusing to tell my RA why I had a black eye, I was sent to psychological counseling and had to explain to the head of housing why, exactly, I had asked someone to punch me in the face. I was written up. I was told statistics about how many women get abused and murdered in Chicago every year. I was told that I should have just used make up if I had wanted to see what a black eye was like. But, I was happy. Also, I have been punch free since 2005.

2006. Sophomore/Junior year of college. The summer I almost died from a mysterious virus a la a House episode. Still got full credit for my internship, despite missing almost an entire month of work – good thing, since I really needed that .25 credit to graduate (PSYCH. Pointless.) My most clear memory of those weeks in the hospital is that I was in the children’s wing despite being 20. And was prescribed anti-depressants that I refused to take for the following reasons – 1. I had not gotten out of bed in a week. 2. I had not had any visitors beside my parents in a week. 3. I had had the blinds drawn for a week. Reasons why I refused to take them: 1. I could not get out of bed because I had an IV in both arms and couldn’t really “move around.” 2. I was in the ICU, where no one besides your parents were allowed to visit. 3. The sun shone directly into my eyeballs if the blinds were not drawn. There were a lot of choice words exchanged that I later regretted. But to be fair, my doctor also said that depression was not really my main problem when they still didn’t know what was wrong with me. Well-intentioned AND r-tarded.

2007. Junior/Senior year of college. I spent my 21st birthday with my best gays at a lesbian bar, where we basically harassed a lesbian named Sherri who very clearly wanted to be left alone. We bought her drinks and got her wasted while getting wasted ourselves. Later, I got shots while on line for the unisex bathroom once I realized that answering “I don’t know” to the question “Are you into girls?” is a surefire way to never pay for drinks at a lesbian bar. Danced with a big black lady named Choppa who proclaimed, “For a white girl, you sure got moves” which remains to this day one of the nicest compliments I have ever received. She wrote her number on a napkin and told me to call her. I did not.

2008. Senior year of college/Freshman year of life. The best party we ever had at Flop Haus was Paul’s and my engagement party. Not only did Paul propose to me on stage at the premiere of all the films we made that year, we later had a totally ridiculous, totally fun party where we even received presents. I believe our friend James gave us 37 cents, and Jackie made us a wedding mix which I lost for a full year, and then recently found in my room. There was a make out contest. There was a dance party. There was spin the bottle. There were a lot of ridiculous pictures and a lot of things that I can’t actually remember, but all contributed to one of the most fun nights of college. In fact, concluded my suspicions that spring quarter of senior year is the only reason that most people miss college; best three months of my life.

2009. Freshman/Sophomore year of life. While working at the video store with Travis one night, this lady came in and talked to us for at least an hour about a book she was writing about a string of murders that had taken place in our town in the 70s. I had never heard of these before, but she insisted that they were all committed by the same person – her husband at the time. She said that he used to sleep with a machete under his pillow, had gone crazy from being in Vietnam, and had tried to kill her several times. All of the bodies were killed using a machete. She was writing a book about it and promised to give us a copy of it, but then did not leave any sort of way to contact her. Super random, super creepy, and left us wondering if maybe she was actually the murderer and was just telling us the story so that we would not suspect her. Particularly after she used me as an example of “exactly the kind of girl that got murdered.” Too bad Clerks exists, because Village Video is ripe for a movie.

Altogether, a good decade.





Things to Come

18 12 2009

Since I will apparently be snowed into my house tomorrow, I am sure I will have time to write these things down.

1. Home sweet home again.

2. Marijuana alive and well DURING A FLIGHT ACROSS THE COUNTRY. Way 2 go, airport security.

3. My true, New Jersey thoughts on MTV’s Jersey Shore.

4. A breakdown of the livejournal I just broke down. It’s 400 pages long. This will maybe take a while.

5. Maybe some end-of-year thoughts. I guess end-of-decade, but I’ve heard some mixed thoughts as to whether this is actually the end of a decade or not. Seems to me it is because there’s no more aughts to be had?

More to come. To keep you entertained, Paul finally updated our real-life-fan-fiction! http://pruse.wordpress.com





Weird Things I’ve Learned at Work Recently

7 12 2009

For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been doing research on celebrities (“work” is probably the most appropriate name for what I’m doing. Quotes included.) As such, I have collected a ton of totally random information about celebrities that I wish I could shake out of my head, but just can’t. In fact, these random facts are about the only thing I’m capable of remembering. Four years of college erased in several weeks of working.

1. First of all, the website www.celebheights.com exists and it’s exactly what it sounds like. And it’s not even definitive celeb heights – it is a database of what people THINK are the heights of celebrities past and present. Delightful.

2. David Bowie got punched in the face as a kid, which threw off his depth-perception for life. It’s also the reason why one of his eyes appears to be a different color than the other.

3. Ralph Fiennes is the 8th cousin of Prince Charles and, more importantly, is good friends with Jay-Z.

4. A kid from the last Harry Potter movie was murdered outside a bar? Uh… what?

5. Grace Slick was the first person to say the word “motherfucker” on live TV, all the way back in 1969 on the Dick Cavett Show. AKA she is an OG, duh.

6. Dr. Cuddy on House was a famous club kid in NYC in the 80s/possumbly 90s. Was friends with James St. James, was briefly mentioned in “Disco Bloodbath” as Lisa E., and was called one of the original ‘celebutantes’ by NYT. Now all she does is yell at House and not love him like she should.

7. Viggo Mortensen is an accomplished painter/poet/author. Go figs.

8. Gene Hackman has officially retired from acting. No word on coming out of retirement, as most famous people are wont to do.

9. Johnny Depp owns his own vineyard/winery/island. Though the vineyard/winery are not on the island.

10. All of the members of Kiss released solo albums on the same day in 1978, which counted as half an album each of their 5 album deal. Huge pre-orders followed by equally huge attempts to send them back. Ouch, Kiss.

Feeling enlightened? Me too.