Is Lady Gaga actually Marilyn Manson?

17 11 2009

An ill-researched comparison.

I have been introduced to the Lady Gaga “Bad Romance” video and my first instinct was, as it is with most things Gaga related – this is TERRIFYING.

And then I felt something deeper, something… familiar in weirdo dinosaur dance moves and big huge eyeballs (even more familiar than those weird shoe ads in Cosmo that have been big eye terrifying for years).

I realized it was the same feeling I used to get watching Marilyn Manson videos – the intrigue, the “I can’t tear my eyes away because if I do, Marilyn Manson may or may not jump through my TV and tear my eyes away for me.” The WTF moment before I knew what WTF moments were.

Observe (if you dare):

Now, not the greatest comparison, but I am too scared to look for anything else Marilyn Manson related right now – it’s dark out. But, my preliminary instincts are that Lady Gaga IS Marilyn Manson.

1. Has anyone seen Marilyn Manson recently? More importantly, has anyone ever seen Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson in the same place? Any TV sitcom enthusiast worth their weight in laugh tracks will tell you that two people who are actually the same person can’t be in the same room at the same time! It’s SCIENCE.

2. It is not easy to duplicate that glow in the dark tan – believe me, us nearbinos stick together, and it takes some real work to not go outside ever and still have the kind of exposure experienced by Manson in the 90s and Gaga in the now’s.

3. These videos are vaguely similar. Maybe not perfect duplicates, but don’t you think your musical stylings/visual instincts would change a little bit over the course of 10 – 15 years? The catchy drum beat, the kabillion costume changes, the running motif of metal in or around the mouth. It’s all there.

4. Look at that bone structure! Marilyn Manson used to heart dressing up in lady parts, and Lady Gaga is developing a strong interest in both flames and catsuits. Coincidence? Doubt it.

Q.E.D.

Lady Gaga = Marilyn Manson





Understanding the Dirt Squirrel

28 10 2009

When I was in Chicago last month, a turn of phrase was thrown into conversation maybe 5, 10 times. A minute.

That phrase? “Dirt Squirrel.”

The party of friends I was with refused to tell me what the phrase meant, but a quick look on Urban Dictionary informed me that on some level, I was meant to be offended and on another level, I was meant to take this word, celebrate it, and make it my own. Kind of like the n word I guess, but NOT AT ALL.

According to UrbanDictionary.com:

Dirt Squirrel

1. a female of questionable character

2. a female with a scandalous sexual past
3. a dirty dirty slut

Examples:

‘that fem be a dirt squirrel’
‘that girl is a dirt squirrel for sure!’

As far as I can tell and due to the circumstances in which I heard it (after some friends had spent the summer in upstate New York) I can only assume that this term originated in upstate New York. It is a fantastic term because you can tell what it means without having any idea what it means, really. I’m not sure if a dirt squirrel is a real animal, but part of me hopes so.

Go forth. Use “dirt squirrel.” Have a slutty male friend? Call them the male equivalent of a dirt squirrel, which is a male dirt squirrel. It is multi-faceted, multi-functional, and multi-super-fun-to-hear-in-a-sentence.





That’ll do, Glee.

30 09 2009

Glee is a phenomenon. Much like the plot of the show itself where the whole future of the glee club depends on making people think glee club is cool even though, by definition, it is not, the marketing campaign for Glee seems to be to convince everyone in the world that everyone in the world thinks it’s the coolest thing ever even though, by definition, it is not.

And it’s working.

I like Glee, don’t get me wrong. In a way that many hipsters are familiar with, the more I hear about everyone else liking Glee, the less I like it, unfortunately. And I am definitely no hipster. But I do still like it. Maybe when I first saw it I thought oh, there’s no way everyone in the world will look past all of these clear, character development problems. I’ll look past them, obvs, but not everyone in the world. Glee will get pretty good ratings and pretty good reviews, but everyone will have a problem with the characters, which will probably get improved in the second season, but maybe they won’t. But now, four episodes in, it seems like there are some serious problems with this show that no one seems to have a problem with. I blame it mostly on Twitter, where reading tweets from the Trending Topics section is basically like pouring malt liquor into your cranium – by reading what people write on Twitter, you’d think that no one had ever seen ANY television show before.

Glee is good, but it is not great. And I refuse to believe that I am the only one seeing these problems. I gave it a big ol’ chance and – I repeat – I do enjoy watching this show, but I cannot suspend my disbelief about the following things anymore:

1. That anyone would believe Kurt is straight. This is high school, y’all. There’s no chance in hell that someone who wears leather boots and knee-length cable-knit goes through the day to day without everyone in that school questioning  his sexuality. I would’ve allowed that his dad didn’t know (although, he did, which, props to him) but come on. Mercedes thinks he has a crush on her and wants to date him? Girl, get over it.

2. That a teacher-formed a cappella group would not be laughed off stage. Firstly, I don’t think there would be 5 gentlemen teachers in my high school that would’ve been able to form a functional a cappella. Secondly, if they did, everyone would be there to laugh at them, not WITH them.

3. That these student-teacher relationships are appropriate. Or really, student-everyone relationships. That Finn tells his Spanish teacher that his girlfriend is pregnant? Great. But I’m pretty sure teachers have an obligation to tell someone when there is a question of safety involved (aka, this baby’s safety) or at the very least, try and figure it out a little bit further instead of literally whispering about the situation in front of the whole glee club. He also had students over to his house to practice for Acafellas. Creepy. Inappropes. Then he tells his wife about it and she seeks out Quinn and shows up in her car and Quinn is barely – BARELY – creeped out? Come on.

4. That a man accused of sexually molesting someone would be allowed back into a high school – EVEN if the principal were trying to protect his own reputation. THERE IS NO CHANCE. Once this happened, I kind of stopped believing this show. That is a super serious accusation. Even if unfounded, he wouldn’t be let back in without a lawsuit. It happened on Degrassi. Snake couldn’t come back until he was cleared, fact. And since Degrassi is the most realistic show that I have ever seen in my life, sometimes more realistic than REALITY, than it stands to reason that this should not be happening on Glee.

5. That any school would allow a washed-up, boozed-out adult back into their school. They have the GED for a reason – so that gross, disgusting, hookers who are squatting in houses around town don’t actually come back into schools and interact with students. College, maybe. But not high school. I’m pretty sure our high school wouldn’t let anyone older than 19 be at school with children. Children. For plot? Fine. For life? Get out of my face.

I know that Glee is a subversion of real high school and it’s a satire and all kinds of five-dollar film analysis words. But if it’s going to be crazy, it needs to be totally crazy; having a couple of plot points that make literally no sense doesn’t work when the rest of the plot is supposed to be realistic. Go whole hog, or don’t. Your choice. I also understand that some of the insanity is what makes the show fun. But sometimes, all I can think about is how gross whatever is happening is. I mean, I don’t really want to get skeeved out by this show.

I’m hoping they’ll pull it together, either by becoming more believable, or by going off the deep end completely (because I fully believe this crazy bitch wife might nab a child in the finale). But as is, if they want to be more than just a cultural phenomenon for the huddled masses who also, by the way, like to tweet about misspelled things and whether Brazil loves Demi Levato or not, they need to pay attention to basic, character and plot construction.

Basically, tonight’s episode made me realize I have a lot of problems with Glee. And I don’t understand why more people don’t.





Puke Puke Puke

16 09 2009

For many different reasons, I have thrown up quite a bit in my life. No, no, don’t pity me, those of you who claimed to have never thrown up (what’s wrong with you? Why are you so healthy?), it’s really not that bad. In fact, it is sometimes super hilarious.

The top 5 most interesting places I have ever chucked it up:

5. At my place of business: This is a four-fer; I’ve thrown up at most places I have ever worked. There’s nothing quite like realizing in the middle of a customer transaction that you are going to lose it all, going and losing it all, and then coming back and finishing your transaction. Due by 6? No problem. You need copies? BRB.

4. A church during a funeral: Really bad news bears. A bagpiper gave me a hankerchief from his pocket to wipe the puke off of my face and then suggest I keep it because he didn’t want it back. This one was pretty regrettable, but boy, did I look like the most upset mourner of the day.

3. In the car on the way to the morning-after-the-wedding brunch: My cousin got married in Cape Cod. The first time I had ever experienced the maxim, “Everyone’s 21 at a wedding.” The next morning was not pleasant, partially due to the No ID? No Problem! attitude of the bar we attended after the reception, partially due to the Raw Bar of seafood at the reception. This, coincidentally, was also the second strike against scallops on the books for me. The next morning, I threw up in the car on the way to someone’s house to have an outdoors seafood brunch (disgusting even if you are sober). Lucky for me, I rarely travel without plastic bags at the ready, just for this very reason. The initial throw up was not bad. But sitting in the car for a couple of hours while my immediate family was at the brunch and my extended family continuously walked by the sliding door of the minivan, generally heckling me, was the pits. Followed by the 3 or 4 hour ride back to New Jersey. Not one of my finest hours. Hopefully not to be repeated at this winter’s sequel, Your Cousin’s Getting Married 2.

2. Theater and Interpretation Center at Northwestern University during Basic Acting: This class was on Fridays at 10 AM. Not one of my better scheduling choices. Excused myself during Group 1 of the Improv exercise to get a drink. Puked my guts out and got back before Group 3 of the Improv exercise. Participated in Group 3 with flying colors – I believe we were pretending to be at a bus station and I was pretending to be a bus inspector from a rival bus station. I got an A in the class, no bigs. My favorite part? Girl in the next stall: Are you okay? Me: Yeah, it’s just a strawberry poptart.

1. The Vatican: In the lobby between the Sistine Chapel and the Vatican on the Euro Trip after high school. I gave the chaperones my full sob story, I was chronically ill and on new medication and geez, there is no good breakfast in Europe, I just couldn’t deal with it. True sob story: we got really drunk the night before because it is Europe and even though we were told not to do shots, we did shots. And then woke up at 8 am to go sight-seeing. And guess what? My little, high school body was not as seasoned at drinking as it would soon become. Once again, chronic illness saves the day and I don’t even get in trouble. On the down side, I did have to wash the throw up off my feet in the bathroom and then ride the Italian subway covered in vom dot com back to the hotel. A fitting punishment.

There are so many, many more places that I have puked in my life. While driving, at malls, at offices, on public transportation, at sporting events, at parties, at the movies, etc. This entry is also making me super nauseous, so I hope to stop reminiscing about all of this for a few more days.

——

What is a bulimic’s favorite movie?

ANSWER: Heaving Las Vegas, starring Sickolas Cage.

Acceptable answers: Pixar’s (Throw)Up!, The double feature Beauty and the Feast, followed by Cool Hand Puke.





I don’t think I’m that old

14 09 2009

Recently, I was watching the VMAs. Recently being about 3 minutes ago, when I stopped watching them to flip between “Catch Me If You Can” and “300”, both of which I have seen several times and would rather be watching.

I watched these VMAs for a total of about 18 minutes, give or take a few minutes when I did some Twitter and YouTube research to find out why Kanye West’s name was being booed. Which took about a minute – that long because Viacom was fairly quick to remove any and all evidence of this occurrence. But not quick enough to realize that most of America is not quick enough to spell Kanye correctly, meaning that many results still come up for Kayne West + Taylor Swift on the ol’ Y-Tube.

In these 18 minutes, I deduced the following: I am not old enough for MTV to make me feel this old. In fact, I am what used to be the target audience (23 years young. 15 years young if you only look at my face and listen to my voice and flip through my diary). Doubly in fact, I am still their target audience – I enjoy about 65% of their programming, mostly the shows that are one hour in length as opposed to one half hour. Triply in fact, I used to work at MTV Networks, and still enjoy bragging about it and reaping the street cred it gives me among my SAT classes (until it is almost always followed by “You used to work at MTV? And now you teach SATs? LIFE IS NOT JUST FUN AND GAMES, KIDS. But for those oh so precious moments, I am their queen.)

The point is, I like MTV and MTV likes me. But I do not like these VMAs.

I have never liked the VMAs as much as the MTV Movie Awards, which I don’t even like very much. Maybe because I don’t really like music as much as I like movies. But as MTV moves further and further away from music (were you aware of it? I’m pretty sure no one has ever mentioned this fact before) the VMAs are becoming more and more obscure. I would venture to say that a good amount of these videos have never been shown on MTV, maybe at most as a 15 second interstitial between “Daddy’s Girls” and “Fantasy Factory.” I can only assume that the people watching this program have heard about this music elsewhere. I know I have. This Beyonce video? SNL. Lady Gaga? Bars. Drake? Degrassi (if I had known that America was going to take you kind of seriously, Jimmy, I would have made more of an effort to talk to you when I was on that commercial set. Forgive me for assuming it wouldn’t happen. Also, congrats on getting out of that wheelchair. You look brand new!)

Some thoughts:

1. Is Tracy Morgan actively trying to make people forget that he is not actually Tracy Jordan? Does Tracy Morgan exist anymore? Because I really enjoy the fact that he doesn’t and if I could live in my make believe world all the time, I would totally do it too. “Stop eating people’s old French fries, pigeon; have some self respect! Don’t you know you can fly?”

2. Why does anyone like Eminem? I don’t think I have ever seen him smile and even the most hard hearted rappers smile sometimes. If you can’t smile about being a rapper, I don’t trust you as a rapper. Also, he is gross and his songs are not interesting and his voice is like the magnified sound of ice cubes expanding in a glass of warm water, except less picturesque. Parody videos went out with jelly sandals and AOL email addresses. Although I haven’t seen a music video in months, so maybe it is actually really in and Eminem is cutting edge. Oh no… no, that’s not it.

3. I have never really liked Kanye West because he is totally a reverse racist, but white people are too scared that he will find a way to break into their homes to call him out on it. And I don’t really know anything about Taylor Swift except that she is kind of adorable. Basically, I have no real stake in either party musically. But in a non-musical sense, taking the mic from her to say that her competition made one of the best videos ever is the equivalent of Kanye jumping up to the front of the class while Taylor’s trying to make a PowerPoint presentation to say that Beyonce’s solar system diorama was cooler and less boring, if not more accurate. Kanye is 32. Taylor Swift is 19. When you think about it not as celebrity vs. celebrity, but adult vs. kid (generally), it becomes not just rude but vaguely creepy. But I expect that many people are now working on a Taylor Swift/Kanye Mash-Up, so maybe it was all a publicity stunt after all.

4. Was that Jamie Lynn Sigler introducing some category with Diddy? Has she done anything since The Sopranos? WHY IS SHE HERE AND RELEVANT ENOUGH TO PRESENT? Unless it was not her. In which case I have no idea who it was. Which makes me feel old.

5. Muse has got to be resentful of the fact that Twilight is getting them so much play right now. At least, I hope they resent it. Their performance was touted as “the performance everyone will be talking about tomorrow”, despite being a band since 1994 and existing in what I presumed to be the general music sphere for at least 5 of those years. I mean, if I know who Muse is, and I have barely changed my musical tastes since the 7th grade, it’s kind of bizarre that people who are currently in 7th grade are thinking that they have just found this hot new vampirey band. Because I can’t listen to their music now without thinking about vampires and having sex with vampires and getting married so that I can have vampire incubuses break through my womb and kill me and this is suddenly revealing that I read all of the Twilight books but no judgment, no judgment.

But what am I saying? This all depends on the VMAs themselves being culturally relevant. Which Twitter tells me it is, but Twitter also sometimes tells me that things like moonfruit are culturally relevant, so who knows?

——

What did the snotty rapper name his clothing line?

KANYE VESTS

Honorable Mentions: Cane-ye West: A Line for Catholic School Disciplinarians of the West Coast, Kanye Dress, KanYAY! Pom Pom Emporium.





Some thoughts on bugs

1 09 2009

Living in New Jersey in the summertime, I have a lot of experiences with insects. Not in a “hey, isn’t New Jersey so gross? Ew, bugs! Ew, Jersey!” way, because I really like New Jersey, even though bugs are gross. More in a “Wow, there are a lot of different types of bugs, particularly in this vicinity” way, which has a much less negative tone to it.

One might say that I am a bug expert. A bugspert. That would be incorrect, but you are very nice to say so.

Far from being a bugspert, I am more of a thoughts-on-bugspert. A thoughtspert. Here, eat some:

1. Bugs must spend most of the day thinking that they are the last bug on Earth. In my backyard alone, a bug could probably go for a whole day without seeing another bug of their kind. Imagine if you were a bug in a desert! IMAGINE IT! Desolate, hot, and totally alone. I assume it goes something like this: “Ugh, being a bug, is so tough, I’ve got that status report due at 9…P…M… where is everyone? Where are all those other bugs? Where did I even come from? Am I going in the right direction? These pieces of grass all look the same. OH GOD THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME! [another bug passes] Oh, hey, it’s Tom. Hey, Tom! You’ll never believe it, I thought I was the last bug around. You too? You don’t say! Say hi to your wife for me, all right now.” Repeat process about 5 minutes later. Probably more frantically.

2. I like to imagine bugs as having human lives (obvs) but in really, really sped up time. I read somewhere once that flies only live for 7 days. So, that’s roughly 10 years time a day. Day one: the brunt of your childhood. Day two: middle school through college IN ONE DAY. Day three: Marriage, two [million] baby flies. Day four: one [million] accident baby flies. Day five: Wish you could retire from being a fly, but have to keep going to fly work because you’re too young to reflyre. Day six: Prostate problems. You poop in your pants once and don’t tell anyone. Day seven: alive alive alive DEAD. You leave your fly cats to your fly descendants.

3. For the amount of dead bugs I assume exist in the world and die every second, I feel like I have seen very scant evidence of bug death. It seems like the world should be littered with the carcasses of natural death bugs. Where are they all going? Are these bugs eating their dead? Aren’t they ashamed? Aren’t WE ashamed that we’ve made the bugs feel like they can’t leave their dead out in the open and have to eat their own instead? It’s kind of the same way I have never seen a squirrel poop. It must happen. But where? Although perhaps it’s best that we don’t see these miracles of nature. I almost crashed my car once because I was watching a dog poop on the side of the road. If there were bug carcasses and squirrel poop, we wouldn’t worry about texting while driving because we’d all be dead.

4. Butterflies are disgusting looking up front. Keep your weird, nectar sucking curly-cue dick out of my face, butterfly. Get some hands and drink like a regular person. Bug. Drink like a regular bug.

5. Actually, do bugs drink? How do they get water without drowning? Can they osmose? Geez, it’s hard out here for a bug.

——

In short, where is a worm’s favorite place to live?

THE GRUBURBS.

Other acceptable answers:  Wormconsin, the Dirt-y South, on a “segmented” bus (this worm is also homeless and loving it).