This is not an April Fool’s Day Post

1 04 2010

PSYCH, IT TOTALLY IS.

In keeping with my true loves – puns and misunderstandings – I bring you several misheard April Fool’s Day Pranks:

APRIL FOOD’S DAY PRANKS:

1. The old standby: salt and pepper shaker gags. Switch the salt and pepper. Switch the salt and sugar. Unscrew the top of the salt shaker so your intended target pours way too much salt on his food and gets heart disease. Classic!

2. Call your spaghetti sauce ‘pasta sauce’ repeatedly.

3. Send someone a case of Diet Coke because you think they’re fat. Hilarious AND thought-provoking!

4. Start a blog about balogna and call it a Bablogna.

5. While no one’s looking, put needles in all of the fruit at your local supermarket. Get a job at a canned food company. Reap benefits.

APRIL FUEL’S DAY PRANKS:

1. Get gas.

2. Don’t get gas.

3. Laugh at someone else getting gas.

4. Put premium into your Toyota Celica.

5. Put sugar in your enemy’s gas tank. Watch the fireworks.

APRIL TUESDAY PRANKS:

1. It’s Tuesday?

2. It’s not Tuesday.

3. It’s Thursday.

PAPAL FOOL’S DAY PRANKS:

1. Know that your clergymen are abusing children, but shhh! Don’t say anything! That’s the joke!

2. Abuse children and be super obvious about it, even have other people witness it and BAM! They’ll send you somewhere exotic to keep doing your job. Hello, free vacation!

3. Be a known member of the Nazi youth. Wait a bunch of years. Get elected Pope!

4. Make everyone miss the good old days when being Catholic wasn’t as embarrassing and was vaguely normal. Feel guilt for a hundred years for thinking said thought.

5. Use Lent as a thinly veiled weight loss tool. Give up fast food or candy because oh em geez, you can’t live without it. Cancun or bust, spring break 2010.

APRIL CRUISE DAY PRANKS:

1. Tell people they won a cruise. Bring them to a boat. Push them in. Have the boat go to Africa, where they will be sold into role-reversal slavery. Send them a telegram that says “HOW DO YOU LIKE THESE REPARATIONS. STOP.”

2. Tell people you won a cruise. Sit in your apartment for 2 weeks, photoshopping yourself into tropical island pictures and boat pictures. Catch up on your shows. Eat pizza. Sleep.

3. Actually go on a cruise and enjoy it. Make sure your intended victim finds out through third parties that you went on a cruise. Living well is the best revenge, after all. You know who said that? Me either.

END.





Themes for Your Convenience

24 02 2010

For when you just can’t think up your own or the deepest you can get to are “kissy face” or “pouty face”, you can enjoy this list of things to yell out the next time you meet up with your hip friends and want to spice up your facebook photography.

Many of these themes also make really good life mottos. Just FYI.

1. Giraffe stampede (you are a giraffe stampeding, you are being chased by a giraffe stampede, you see someone else being stampeded, etc.)

2. You’ve fallen from a great distance but on impact you wake up and it was just a dream.

3. Photosynthesis.

4. Cannibalism.

5. Cannonballism.

6. The Black Plague has affected your neighbors and you can hear their screams, but you still feel pretty confident in the rat traps you’ve surrounded your bedroom door with.

7. You’re OCD and accidentally touched a moldy sandwich.

8. You are a moldy sandwich.

9. Spa weekend and you just got your period.

10. You’ve just pulled what you assumed was a great April Fool’s Day joke, but now Jeff is dead.

11. Arm hair farmers.

12. Ants questioning their day-to-day.

13. You’ve been cast in a movie, but it has a nude scene.

14. You have a dream that your limbs have grown back, but you wake up and they haven’t.

15. Caught in a rainstorm/tornado/snowstorm/regional weather phenom.

16. You finally understand what you are actually calling someone when you call them a “douchebag.”

17. “Douchebag.”

18. You wish your Diet Cherry Coke was Cherry Coke.

19. The embodiment of hypoglycemia.

20. Purgatory.

21. Your hand is in the deep fryer.

22. You don’t want your friends to know that you like the smell of earwax.

23. You stood next to a celebrity for 5 whole minutes and didn’t say anything.

24. Smells like mulch in here.

25. You’re having an allergic reaction to your second favorite food.





Past Excursions into Imphotovising

19 02 2010

Some more pictures, some from last month, some from two + years ago, all chronicling my love for this practice.

2010

“You’re at a singles mixer for older people, you find yourself a little overimbibed to deal with the situation, and you’re trying to make conversation.”

“As powerful business gentlemen, you order some delicious veal to celebrate a job well done on the Johnson case.”

(Also, your friend is just embarrassed to be
seen with you.)


“Half fun, half earthquake.”

“The future has arrived and you can’t deal with it.”

“You are robots that have recently become self aware.”

2007 or 2008, who can tell?

“Washington crosses the Delaware.”

“You’re on a self-controlled roller coaster.”

“You’re at a very disappointing sausage fest.”

“You’re getting really sexually harrassy feeling.”

“Empathize with ugly people.”

“Japanese tourist on vacation in Illinois.”

“You’re at the zoo, making fun of the monkeys at the zoo, which causes everyone to look at you and challenges the binary of the zoo system in the first place.”

FIN.

Next up: some great examples so you too can start walking down this road, but won’t be frozen when asked to give a theme and get totally embarrassed in front of your more creative friends.





My Absolute Favorite Activity

19 02 2010

I love it more than watching TV.

I love it more than drinking.

I love it more than drinking and watching TV at the same time.

My favorite thing to do, and what I think everyone’s favorite thing to do should be is: taking themed pictures.

Improv + Photography + Narcissism = Hilarity for you and your friends, Mehlarity for your acquaintances, Jealousy from your frenemies who are clearly not as fun as you.

All you need to do is get a camera or webcam. Have several friends. Be in front of the camera. Call out totally random things and take a picture of your interpretation. Rinse. Repeat.

Some examples from a weekend of photographical debauchery and hard-to-obtain-levels-of-delusional-grandeur:

“You discovered electricity, but then you got electrocuted.”

“You live in Appalachia, and this is the first day you’ve ever seen or heard of the internet.”

“You sneeze in the midst of a very important corporate presentation. Deborah saw.”

“Said sneeze makes you so embarrassed that you puke everywhere. Including on Deborah.”

“You see a homeless orphan child on the road, who asks you for money.”

“After taking a class in the Religion department, you finally have your first interaction with God.”

“You can’t be entirely sure, but you’re pretty convinced your identity’s been stolen.”

“You’re a passenger aboard the good ship Titanic and you’ve just been informed that not only is the boat sinking, but the life rafts are full.”

(please note firstly how well we’re taking it,
and secondly, how much my Titanic sinking
face looks like my gross orphan face.)

More to come from less recent themed picture extravaganzas. Also, a list of themes to get you started on your own little adventure into being the center of your own universe.





Slightly Off Terrible First Date Questions

12 02 2010

5 Things You Would Want If Stranded On A Dessert Island:

1. Spork, appropes for both solid and liquid delights.

2. Wet Naps, in case I get sticky.

3. That chocolate syrup that turns into a hard shell when you put it on ice cream, because you can never be too sure if a dessert island is going to include it.

4. Garbage can, for binging and purging.

5. Diabetes kit, for the daily insulin coma I fall into.

***

5 People You Hope to Eat In Heaven (non-sexual, survival purposes only):

1. William Howard Taft, for the sheer girth.

2. Albert Einstein, for the possible brain osmosis.

3. One of those cloned sheep, to see if there was a difference (assuming animal and people go to the same heaven).

4. That kid who got stuck in the chocolate chute during the Willy Wonka factory tour, because he’s prob delish.

5.  Jimi Hendrix, for the contact high without having to travel to Amsterdam heaven.

***

5 People You Hope to Eat in Heaven (purely sexual):

1. Heath Ledger

2. Andrew Jackson

3. Marie Curie

4. C. Thomas Howell (presuming that neither of us will be in heaven for a while, but that when we are both there, this will happen)

5. Watson, but not Crick.

***

5 Ghosts at Your Ideal Dinner Party:

1., 2., 3. The mean ghosts from “Casper” because, like any smart woman, I think that I could change them into better ghosts. They eat food they can’t digest and shit it all over the floor because they love me, that’s all.

4. Bruce Willis in “The Sixth Sense”, moments before he realizes he’s a ghost, so I can have the pleasure of observing the impending awkward silence and then be like, “More wine?”

5. Ghost of Christmas Present. That guy knows how to party, am I right?!

***

5 Mitch Alboms You Couldn’t Live Without:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.





Maybe the greatest food discovery known to man

10 11 2009

This will not impress you if you don’t enjoy cream cheese as much as I do.

Are you hungry? Make a bagel and cream cheese.

NO, YOU’RE NOT DONE. I know you think you’re done, but you’re not. You’re close to done, but please, don’t miss this part.

Make a lunchmeat sandwich on top of your bagel and cream cheese. If you are not sure where to start with a sandwich, throw down some ham and American cheese. If you are feeling saucy, you can also add pepperonis to that sandwich, but that’s not a prerequisite in this case.

NO, YOU”RE NOT DONE. Seriously, there is one more step that’s going to take your sandwich sandwich from good to great.

Throw that sandwich squared into the toaster oven for like, 5 minutes. However long it takes to melt your USA Cheese.

NOW YOU ARE DONE.

You have to wait one second for it to cool and then take a bite. It will change your life. It’s like, cream cheese is the new mayonaise, but in a very different sort of way. Your double sammy is going to give you a double whammy in the mouth.

(This is not a great post. But seriously, cream cheese plus sandwich sandwiches have changed my earthly existence.)

————

Question: What college do cows want to go to?

Answer: USCHEESE.

Other acceptable punchlines: The Dairy Force Academy, Anything in the Midwest, Cows Can’t Go To College, They’re Cows.





Television is dangerous, y’all.

2 09 2009

I’m watching “Crash Course” on ABC right now, and it is, admittedly, kind of the best. I don’t mean the best. I mean that it is vaguely entertaining for the 30% of my line of vision that is not looking directly at my computer screen. The rest of my eyes are having a way better time than that 30%, particularly the part that is watching my dog try and stay awake long enough to continue to beg for my brother’s Wynton Marsalis. Oh, I’m sorry, I’m being corrected – it’s pronounced chicken marsala.

But, this 30% of my eyes could be having a worse time. They’re entertained. That’s not the point.

The point is: this show is seriously one of the most dangerous “wooo I’m on a game show!” game shows I’ve ever seen. The basic premise is that they put completely untrained randos off the street (but with dramarama relationships like mother-son! brothers-in-law! best friends! natch.) into racecars and have them drive through obstacle courses and over jumps intended to flip your car and THROUGH FLAMES. All to win 50,000 dollars.

Really? So… I can go on “Wheel of Fortune” and risk – at worst – some mild tendonitis in my spinnin’ wrist and win that much plus some sweet trips. Or I can risk life and limb, drive a car towards what most people would consider an instant death, and only win 50 grand? Yeah right, ABC.

I appreciate that this is what America wants to watch. That part of America that is slightly overweight (let’s be real – more than slightly, according to any recent publication) and probably has a lawn ornament or three. But they are Americans nonetheless, and I won’t discount their opinion, especially since we’ve got some cement frogs in our garden, I won’t deny it. But it seems like a terrible move on the production company’s part to choose games that are so dangerous. Why risk having one of your contestants die (oh hey, didn’t see you there VH1) when they could participate in something just as embarrassing and way less dangerous?

Sarah, that’s half the fun! Haven’t you seen the previews for Final Destination 3D? People go to NASCAR races in order to see the crashes!

No, I get it. I love it. But I can’t say that I endorse it. Some alternatives that are just as embarrassing for contestants, and yet safer for the production companies, the real victims in all of this:

1. P-P-Party. This stems from a idea we always wanted to do in college, but did not have the faculties to perform while drunk and didn’t have the cajones to perform sober. Contestants weigh in. They all drink the same amount of liquid. They go through some shitty obstacle course (or trivia. Or a race. Or twenty minutes of commercial, this is all just filler.) At the end of the show, everyone let’s loose and pees in their diapers. Did I mention that they were wearing adult diapers? They are. Final weigh in. Whoever peed the most in their diaper, wins a million P-P-Pennies. Oohhhh noooo!

2. America’s Next Top Fugly. I don’t want to be immodest, but watching television modeling shows is really tough for me because I can never tell if I’m looking in the mirror or not. Because I am literally so attractive, it looks like the television is reflecting the equivalent of my own appearance. I don’t watch television to see people who are JUST LIKE ME, I want to experience the annals of bizarroworld without leaving the comfort of the couch. There is a reason that I’ve seen almost all of TLC’s programming (Half Ton Teen and The Boy Who’s Skin Fell Off are two of the most uncomfortawesome hours of my life) and it’s because people love seeing people who are way worse off than they are. And people who are way worse off than the rest of us love to go on TV so they have at least a couple months between filming and airing where they get to say “I was on TV” but not have everyone know why they were on TV. Basically, this show is The Ugliest Dog Competition, but for people. Bring me your huddled masses and jiggly asses, says Lady LiberTV. Those old “Extreme Makeover: Plastic Surgery Editions” came close, but the winner of this show is not contractually allowed to get plastic surgery for at least 30 months post-filming.

3. “The Parent Trap” – kind of like “Wife Swap”, except the kids find out that their parents have been trapped somewhere, like those people who fall into holes in the ground set out by their enemies! The kids are forced to fend for themselves for two weeks while their parents remain TRAPPED (except not dangerously trapped, comfortable trapped. Like, chaise lounges and HD monitor to watch what their kids are doing.) We get to see kids either hack it or crack it, the parents learn a valuable lesson about how much they can trust/distrust their children, and children learn that it’s hard to be their parents because they suck. Everyone wins, no one gets any cash, and the chances of running into a brick wall are much, much lower.

You’ve got choices, production companies. You don’t have to endanger your contestants and yourselves every night. You’re better than that. Get back to the source of game shows – not explosions, not possible limb loss, but just great, great potential for lifelong embarrassment.

These ideas are all greater than or equal to the brainrape  “Dance Your Ass Off”, so if you are going to go ahead and greenlight these things, please send my gigantic sized check to my PO Box, kthxbye.

——

Pun time:

What do you call a place where 66% of adults over the age of 20 are considered overweight or obese? (PS – This is a fact according to Newsweek. A terrifying, soul-crushing, embarrassing fact.)

OBESE CITY

Other acceptable answers: American’t-breath-after-mild-exercise, The US-Heft-A, United Shakes of America (also a good answer to a joke about epilepsy/milkshakes.)