Diary of a Mad White Tween

11 03 2010

In which we take a look at page 61 from an imaginary diary of an imaginary girl who is like, OMG, having the craziest year ever.

***

“blood all over her gym shorts. And Mrs. Pierson is like, ‘Corinne, it’s just your period’ and Corinne is like ‘No way, Mrs. P, it’s not my period.’ And we were all thinking like, maybe it is her period, maybe she’s becoming a woman before all of us but like, in what universe is that even fair? She’s never even been to a rainbow party and all of the sudden she thinks she’s hot shit because she got her period before everyone else? Yeah right. Corinne is such a skank. God.

But then it’s like, totally obvious that it’s not actually her period because we were playing volleyball and because our school is SO GHETTO there were razor blades stuck to the volleyball and one sliced Corinne in the ass because Randy kicked it at her because Corinne and Randy were dating, but then Randy cheated on her and somehow that’s Corinne’s fault. But he was trying to do it as a metaphor, you know? Like he wanted her back, so he kicked a volleyball at her ass. Kind of like lighting a fire under your ass. But a volleyball. Randy is soooo deep. I wonder if he’ll take me to prom? Oh BTDubs, diary, it was totes me that Randy cheated on Corinne with. But like, it doesn’t even matter, it’s not like anything was facebook official. They were so barely dating, it wasn’t even MySpace official. Like, how lame can you get?

ANYWAY. So now Corinne’s bleeding out her ass, but everyone still thinks it’s her period, and so everyone’s just laughing at her, but then it starts to get pretty obvious that either she has a super heavy flow (just like Mean Girls!) or something because she passes out and Mrs. Pierson’s all like, ‘Oh someone call the nurse’ like it’s not even HER RESPONSIBILITY to call the nurse. I mean, hello?!?! What do they pay you for, just to teach gym and not even know what a period is? God.

So she’s passed out and then there starts to be a puddle of blood on the floor and Greg slips in it, but he doesn’t fall all the way down because he’s so flexible from wrestling. Woof, Greg. Wrestling.

But then the nurse gets there and like, slaps Corinne in the face because that’s apparently what you’re supposed to do in these sort of situations and then all of the sudden the paramedics are there and she’s getting oxygen or whatever and she like, wakes up for one second to wave to Randy, like HOW SKANKY CAN YOU BE? YOU’RE DYING, GET OVER IT.

And then they take her away and she updated her facebook later, so she’s probably okay. Randy’s like, totally back in love with her because he’s disgusting. It’s like, you’re the one that sliced her in the ass, Randy. It’s cool that you get how to do metaphors, but if you love her so much, why’d you try to kill her? I guess her parents are gonna sue the school or something, which means she’ll probably go to private school and become a lesbian.

But at least she didn’t get her period before me.”

*****

JOKE ATTACK:

Question: What did the women in the middle ages call their periods?

Answer: The Traveling Menstrual

Alternates: The Red Plague, A Rat Gnawed Off My Insides Time, No Babies to Work the Farm O’Clock

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Themes for Your Convenience

24 02 2010

For when you just can’t think up your own or the deepest you can get to are “kissy face” or “pouty face”, you can enjoy this list of things to yell out the next time you meet up with your hip friends and want to spice up your facebook photography.

Many of these themes also make really good life mottos. Just FYI.

1. Giraffe stampede (you are a giraffe stampeding, you are being chased by a giraffe stampede, you see someone else being stampeded, etc.)

2. You’ve fallen from a great distance but on impact you wake up and it was just a dream.

3. Photosynthesis.

4. Cannibalism.

5. Cannonballism.

6. The Black Plague has affected your neighbors and you can hear their screams, but you still feel pretty confident in the rat traps you’ve surrounded your bedroom door with.

7. You’re OCD and accidentally touched a moldy sandwich.

8. You are a moldy sandwich.

9. Spa weekend and you just got your period.

10. You’ve just pulled what you assumed was a great April Fool’s Day joke, but now Jeff is dead.

11. Arm hair farmers.

12. Ants questioning their day-to-day.

13. You’ve been cast in a movie, but it has a nude scene.

14. You have a dream that your limbs have grown back, but you wake up and they haven’t.

15. Caught in a rainstorm/tornado/snowstorm/regional weather phenom.

16. You finally understand what you are actually calling someone when you call them a “douchebag.”

17. “Douchebag.”

18. You wish your Diet Cherry Coke was Cherry Coke.

19. The embodiment of hypoglycemia.

20. Purgatory.

21. Your hand is in the deep fryer.

22. You don’t want your friends to know that you like the smell of earwax.

23. You stood next to a celebrity for 5 whole minutes and didn’t say anything.

24. Smells like mulch in here.

25. You’re having an allergic reaction to your second favorite food.





Past Excursions into Imphotovising

19 02 2010

Some more pictures, some from last month, some from two + years ago, all chronicling my love for this practice.

2010

“You’re at a singles mixer for older people, you find yourself a little overimbibed to deal with the situation, and you’re trying to make conversation.”

“As powerful business gentlemen, you order some delicious veal to celebrate a job well done on the Johnson case.”

(Also, your friend is just embarrassed to be
seen with you.)


“Half fun, half earthquake.”

“The future has arrived and you can’t deal with it.”

“You are robots that have recently become self aware.”

2007 or 2008, who can tell?

“Washington crosses the Delaware.”

“You’re on a self-controlled roller coaster.”

“You’re at a very disappointing sausage fest.”

“You’re getting really sexually harrassy feeling.”

“Empathize with ugly people.”

“Japanese tourist on vacation in Illinois.”

“You’re at the zoo, making fun of the monkeys at the zoo, which causes everyone to look at you and challenges the binary of the zoo system in the first place.”

FIN.

Next up: some great examples so you too can start walking down this road, but won’t be frozen when asked to give a theme and get totally embarrassed in front of your more creative friends.





My Absolute Favorite Activity

19 02 2010

I love it more than watching TV.

I love it more than drinking.

I love it more than drinking and watching TV at the same time.

My favorite thing to do, and what I think everyone’s favorite thing to do should be is: taking themed pictures.

Improv + Photography + Narcissism = Hilarity for you and your friends, Mehlarity for your acquaintances, Jealousy from your frenemies who are clearly not as fun as you.

All you need to do is get a camera or webcam. Have several friends. Be in front of the camera. Call out totally random things and take a picture of your interpretation. Rinse. Repeat.

Some examples from a weekend of photographical debauchery and hard-to-obtain-levels-of-delusional-grandeur:

“You discovered electricity, but then you got electrocuted.”

“You live in Appalachia, and this is the first day you’ve ever seen or heard of the internet.”

“You sneeze in the midst of a very important corporate presentation. Deborah saw.”

“Said sneeze makes you so embarrassed that you puke everywhere. Including on Deborah.”

“You see a homeless orphan child on the road, who asks you for money.”

“After taking a class in the Religion department, you finally have your first interaction with God.”

“You can’t be entirely sure, but you’re pretty convinced your identity’s been stolen.”

“You’re a passenger aboard the good ship Titanic and you’ve just been informed that not only is the boat sinking, but the life rafts are full.”

(please note firstly how well we’re taking it,
and secondly, how much my Titanic sinking
face looks like my gross orphan face.)

More to come from less recent themed picture extravaganzas. Also, a list of themes to get you started on your own little adventure into being the center of your own universe.





Slightly Off Terrible First Date Questions

12 02 2010

5 Things You Would Want If Stranded On A Dessert Island:

1. Spork, appropes for both solid and liquid delights.

2. Wet Naps, in case I get sticky.

3. That chocolate syrup that turns into a hard shell when you put it on ice cream, because you can never be too sure if a dessert island is going to include it.

4. Garbage can, for binging and purging.

5. Diabetes kit, for the daily insulin coma I fall into.

***

5 People You Hope to Eat In Heaven (non-sexual, survival purposes only):

1. William Howard Taft, for the sheer girth.

2. Albert Einstein, for the possible brain osmosis.

3. One of those cloned sheep, to see if there was a difference (assuming animal and people go to the same heaven).

4. That kid who got stuck in the chocolate chute during the Willy Wonka factory tour, because he’s prob delish.

5.  Jimi Hendrix, for the contact high without having to travel to Amsterdam heaven.

***

5 People You Hope to Eat in Heaven (purely sexual):

1. Heath Ledger

2. Andrew Jackson

3. Marie Curie

4. C. Thomas Howell (presuming that neither of us will be in heaven for a while, but that when we are both there, this will happen)

5. Watson, but not Crick.

***

5 Ghosts at Your Ideal Dinner Party:

1., 2., 3. The mean ghosts from “Casper” because, like any smart woman, I think that I could change them into better ghosts. They eat food they can’t digest and shit it all over the floor because they love me, that’s all.

4. Bruce Willis in “The Sixth Sense”, moments before he realizes he’s a ghost, so I can have the pleasure of observing the impending awkward silence and then be like, “More wine?”

5. Ghost of Christmas Present. That guy knows how to party, am I right?!

***

5 Mitch Alboms You Couldn’t Live Without:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.





Whoops, I forgot.

12 02 2010

It looks like “about two weeks” is the time it takes for both me to recover from Jersey Shore and for people to stop ending up on my blog because of J Woww boob searches.

And now J Woww boob will lead people here again. Vicious, vicious cycle.

In actuality, I took the last two weeks to reassess my life plan and subsequent life skillz. A few too many drunk dials and I took two weekends off of heavy drinking, which was pleasant, if boring.

Also, I applied to grad school. Because my assertion that “I will never go back to school” did not hold too much water. Like every gallon of milk I seem to buy, it didn’t lose all of its liquid, but I had to put the remaining liquid in a big bowl and drink it with a ladle, risking mysterious disease. (That doesn’t happen to anyone else?) So I decided that now, not later, should be the time for me to get a master’s so that later, not now, I can be a teacher. When I’m tired of LA and I want to live in the suburbs and still be vaguely relevant to a group of teenagers. That’s the game plan.

This all boils down to “I was too busy to write things down.” I started working 6 days a week. Not pretty. But kind of hilarious sometimes. The giggles that transpire when I can’t think straight.

But, I’m back. I’ve got some time and thoughts today and since, for whatever reason, the ENTIRE OFFICE IS NOT HERE, I will probably write some stuff today. It’s hard to write without Jersey Shore in my life. J Woww Boob.

Today’s lack of office reminds me of the opening scene of my favorite Northwestern student film and my magnum opus of acting, Vomorama. Which you can watch right now:





A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore: Part Five

20 01 2010

Sadly, the favorite part of my week is almost over. Just one sad episode left tomorrow, and then our lives go back to being completely meaningless once again. It’s like Nietsche knew that eventually our society would see this very show, experience The Situation uninviting Sammi to Ravioli Night, the show would end, and then everyone would become totally nihilist. And he knew that something called Facebook would be around, and he would train his supporters to pass down the message that they should make a fan page for him after this happened. And then, everyone who used to be a fan of Jersey Shore would then go on facebook and become a fan of Nihilism and then he could be all like, “Take THAT, God!” and maybe get a ticket out of limbo. But probably not.

Long story short, I’m really going to miss Jersey Shore.

That said, here are some of my favorite Jersey Shore inspired sketches and videos from the past few weeks.

1. SNOOKI READS THE WEATHER

The style. The finesse. Little Schnooks has a bright future in squinting at teleprompters. Someone get this girl to an awards ceremony ASAP (which, corollary, when are the MTV Movie Awards? If anyone wants to lose some money, I’d bet you $1000 the cast gets to introduce a category. Or at the very least, a musical act. At the very VERY least, they’ll be involved in a video.)

Also, love that she basically calls the ladycaster an old bitch, backtracks with the Jersey Shore equivalent of class, and then proves that she doesn’t wear a Bump-It. Oh, Snooki. Whether there’s a Bump-It in there or not is not the problem. It’s the Pouf itself.

Double also, can’t believe that weather man wants to get with Snooki so bad. But in the words of ol’ Snook “I mean, if he came on to me, I wouldn’t tell him to get off.”

2. MICHAEL CERA BECOMES A GUIDO

It’s really hard to tell who has less of an idea who the other person/people is/are: Michael Cera or the cast of Jersey Shore. I guess the cast probably saw Superbad, but something tells me Arrested Development is like, eight steps above their intelligence percentiles.

No matter. Because it’s a collision of two of MY favorite things, and that’s what MTV should revolve around anyway – Sarah Hayden’s interests. Michael Cera trying to beat the shit out of whatever air pinata they fist pump into circa 3:45, and Michael Cera saying, “I can’t remember if I’m a medium Ed Hardy or a small.” One of life’s greatest mysteries, Michael Cera.

3. LITTLE JERSEY SHORE

I can’t figure out how to embed this, just check it out.

I love this. And I love that it may or may not just be a home video from the cast’s childhood and they have secretly known each other for years. Nothing better than adults hitting on children, and then children physically hitting the adults back. “You wanna play trucks?” Hells yeah she does, Pauly D.

4. THE SITUATION NICKNAMES CONAN

Unfortch, this clip does not have The Situation explaining how he got his own nickname (which is basically just him completely misunderstanding his friends, and then just going with it) but you can look that one up yourself. This clip is great for 2 reasons. 1: Snooki has to have a little box for her feet, even when sitting on a couch. 2: Conan’s sheer joy at landing such a nickname. And bonus great thing about this clip: The Situation in a velvet blazer. The fact that it doesn’t look like crushed velvet makes me think it’s actually velour. Which is much more Shore-esque.

5. THE CAST AS POSSIBLE CLASSICALLY TRAINED ACTORS

The only thing better than the cast trying to act like themselves is the cast trying to act like actors acting like themselves. I like to think that everyone is trying to pull off a British accent, but Pauly D is the only one that comes vaguely close. Since he presumably played an orphan of sorts in whatever all-guido elementary school production of Oliver! that he must have participated in to win an accent like that.

6. SNOOKI ON SNL’S WEEKEND UPDATE

I also can’t figure out how to embed this. Internet fail for me today.

This is just a fantastic impression. When things like this happen, I wonder if the people being made fun of see the clip and are either super offended or super into it. In Snooki’s case, I can assume she wants to get Bobby Moynihan drunk and smoosh him for paying any sort of attention to her. Why would anyone call her Garfield? “Because I’m bright orange and I love lasagna.” Also, back abs. Love it.

7. BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE’S JERSEY SHORE AUDITION TAPE

Bobby Bottleservice is a true class act. He loves his mother, and what more can you ask of a man? Additionally, Jersey Shore may have been the best thing to happen to him, since him not being on the show (or real) might be the worst thing to happen to America. Maybe season 2. Good work, Nick Kroll. A big step up from the Geico cavemen. Who, coincidentally, would probably also get along really well being on Jersey Shore?

If I keep looking for my favorite videos, I’m never going to get anything done for the rest of my life. Know that they exist. Just know

Next week: We say goodbye to Jersey Shore. Until next season, duh.