Dating Advice from Your Weird Spinster Neighbor

15 03 2010

(More imaginary excerpts from an imaginary life I’m imagining. You may be wondering if I’m starting to show signs of schizophrenia at this point. You may be right.)

  • There are a few ways to prove to yourself that your boyfriend likes you. Try cooking him a terrible meal. If he pretends to like it, he’s yours. If he points out that he won’t put raw cat food in his mouth, this little minnow needs to be thrown back into the sea. Where he is not a salt water fish and will likely die.
  • Have you thought about plucking  your eyebrows? You should stop thinking about that. A man likes a lady he can look in the eyes, but can’t make direct eye contact with because of the eyebrows. You should never make direct eye contact with a man. It’s disrespectul.
  • Mention Harry S Truman whenever you can, but pretend not to know that the S doesn’t have a period after it. Men like it when they know more about periods than you do.
  • I see you wear pinstripes a lot. You ever think that might be part of the problem? No? Okay.
  • I had a few boyfriends when I was younger. Much younger, oh so many years ago. I must have been nine, ten years old the last time I had a boyfriend. They don’t really like to be “it”. It’s hard to explain, but make sure your man is never “it”.
  • Those plain t-shirts you’ve been getting at the Gap or whatever are a little… revealing. Something like J Jill is how you really snag a man. Or any place you can pick up some curtainy florals. That Fraulein Maria had a point or five in The Sound of Music. Actually, the closer  you can come to shaping your life around The Sound of Music, the better.
  • Good Housekeeping. Just reading the magazine, not actually doing it. Have you seen my living room? It’ll take you a few years to get that “just forgot to clean” look, but you’ll get there. Practice makes perfect.
  • Taco Bell: It’s not just for dinner. Always, always appropriate. Particularly on anniversaries.
  • You have to remember: a man is just like a lady, except with some extra pieces. You can get those extra pieces at a lot of places that are vaguely more respectable than you’d expect.
  • You should consider calling men more often. In fact, you get one phone call per minute that you’ve met them. Talked in a bar for twenty minutes? Call him twenty times the next day. No, it’s true! It’s a ratio! I read it in a book! You don’t have to believe me, but you know you could show a little bit more respect to me as your elder. I have a lot of life experi- oh, what’s that? A call on the other line? Okay, but this was a 7 minute call, so I’ll talk to you 7 times tomorrow.




Slightly Off Terrible First Date Questions

12 02 2010

5 Things You Would Want If Stranded On A Dessert Island:

1. Spork, appropes for both solid and liquid delights.

2. Wet Naps, in case I get sticky.

3. That chocolate syrup that turns into a hard shell when you put it on ice cream, because you can never be too sure if a dessert island is going to include it.

4. Garbage can, for binging and purging.

5. Diabetes kit, for the daily insulin coma I fall into.

***

5 People You Hope to Eat In Heaven (non-sexual, survival purposes only):

1. William Howard Taft, for the sheer girth.

2. Albert Einstein, for the possible brain osmosis.

3. One of those cloned sheep, to see if there was a difference (assuming animal and people go to the same heaven).

4. That kid who got stuck in the chocolate chute during the Willy Wonka factory tour, because he’s prob delish.

5.  Jimi Hendrix, for the contact high without having to travel to Amsterdam heaven.

***

5 People You Hope to Eat in Heaven (purely sexual):

1. Heath Ledger

2. Andrew Jackson

3. Marie Curie

4. C. Thomas Howell (presuming that neither of us will be in heaven for a while, but that when we are both there, this will happen)

5. Watson, but not Crick.

***

5 Ghosts at Your Ideal Dinner Party:

1., 2., 3. The mean ghosts from “Casper” because, like any smart woman, I think that I could change them into better ghosts. They eat food they can’t digest and shit it all over the floor because they love me, that’s all.

4. Bruce Willis in “The Sixth Sense”, moments before he realizes he’s a ghost, so I can have the pleasure of observing the impending awkward silence and then be like, “More wine?”

5. Ghost of Christmas Present. That guy knows how to party, am I right?!

***

5 Mitch Alboms You Couldn’t Live Without:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.





Animal Kingdom Missed Connections

12 12 2009

Because yesterday I ended up on goldfishconnections.com trying to figure out how Imma get my goldfish fed when I go home for Christmas: Extended Director’s Cut. They claim you only have to feed goldfish every 4 days and they can survive a week without food. I claim that how can you NOT feed those little googly eyes every day? How could you not feed anything every day, except sharks, spiders, and snakes? Whatevs.

The point is, upon speaking with my friend Malcolm, he mentioned that maybe I would meet my husband on that site. I said it’d have to be called goldfishmissedconnections.com for that to happen. He wrote me a goldfish missed connection.

Which made me think about other animals, as per usual.

Goldfish Missed Connections

“I was gold. You were gold. You were swimming around in circles for an hour. I was pretty much following you. We shared a meal and, I think, a moment.”

“You were behind the plastic green tropical plant. I was… man, where was I? You were behind the plastic green tropical plant. I was… man, where was I? You were behind the plastic green tropical plant. I was… man, where was I?”

“I was swimming around, eating some rocks and spitting them out because it turns out they were not good. You were skillfully floating around upside down, sunbathing. I yelled to you to ask you how you were doing that, but I couldn’t hear if you responded. I’m listening now.”

Turtle Missed Connections

“We climbed up on the log at the exact same time, you with your forest-camouflage shell. I lost y- oh no, wait. I can still see you. You haven’t really moved, and neither have I. Hey, I’m Ron. Tina? That’s a pretty name. How big’s my tail? Girl, I don’t know if you can even deal with this biz.”

“You were stuck upside down on your back when some gigantic creature with what can only be described as ‘freckles’ picked you up in  his claws and put you that way, letting out a maniacal and guttural sound. I tried to help you, but I couldn’t get enough momentum to flip you over because I am a turtle and can’t go fast. Sorry.”

Banana Mixed Connections:

“You were a brown beauty. I’m yellow with a little brown spot from where I fell when I was sooooo drunk the other day. If you’re down with the swirl, so am I. See you at breakfast?”

Cat Missed Connections:

“You were asleep. I was asleep. Actually, I didn’t really see you.”

“I laughed when you puked on the floor. But then I saw you digging around in my poop, and I knew it was love. We made eye contact; you hissed and accidentally puked on the floor again. Please, respond if you remember.”

Giraffe Missed Connections:

“You had a long neck. I had a long neck. I thought I was looking in a mirror, but then I realized I was looking at a beautiful angel. You ever think about going pro? With a neck like that, you could be in pictures, baby. I’m an agent, by the way. You’re going to want to respond to this one.”

“I was galloping really weirdly because our bodies are evolutionarily bizarro. You were so small, like a little dwarf giraffe, maybe only six feet high! Like a little baby giraffe. Oh, wait. You were a baby giraffe. Call me in two years.”

“We were nibbling on a tree together over by that one watering hole where Steven got devoured by like, eight lions last week. Our tongues touched by accident. You giraffe blushed. I started to say something, but you galloped away. It wasn’t going to be anything gross. All I was going to say is ‘Man, with tongues this long, it should be called kisssssssssing, am I right?’ I miss you.”

Gorilla Missed Connections:

“You and I were sitting back to back, picking at stuff on our hair. I don’t know if you were, but I was eating all the stuff I was finding. It was really delish, and I’d love to take you out to dinner one day and eat all of the stuff off of my body. Together.”

“I was getting pretty mad and beating my chest because some douche with weak sauce was stepping all up in my territory. You were discovering the basics of language and using your hands to communicate with some hairless gorilla-esque thing. I think your name was Koko. Please, Koko, how do you say ‘I feel a connection’?”

Aaaannddd I could do this all day it turns out. Recurring feature? I’m back to being an animal blog, whoops. And awesome. And mostly whoops.





This Week in Pun Brainstorms

29 11 2009

I spend a lot of my time thinking of puns for both business and pleasure (by business, I mean I do it at work fairly often).

This week, I had two fairly successful brainstorms with my roommate Kristin via gchat. Having spent the last two years of college speaking almost exclusively in puns with my roommate Patrick, it was nice to get back in the groove of extensive, fast-pace, word play.

Task One: Think of a name of a television show involving as many of the following traits as possible: procrastination, disdain for your friend, being trapped in a closet, the apocalypse, the future, suicide.

Elapsed Time: 40 minutes

Suggestions:

Purgastory
Too Loose Noose
Pull the Trigg..eh…
Limbo Akimbo
Limp Wrists, Limp Dicks
Schizofriendics
Suicide-by-side
Suistand By Me
Russian Coolette, Russian Rouldebt, Russian Foolettes, Russian To Let (something happen), Crushing Regret [a stretch, aware.]
Double Barrel Buddies
Shotgun Circle Jerks
Bullet’s Be Friends
Cock and Bullets
Sherlock and Load
Friendly Misfires
Gun Powdered Go-Nuts
A Salty Rifle, Assaulty Rivals
Puttin’ Off the Ritz, Puttin’ Off the Fists, Puttin’ Off the Fits (of Anger), Puttin’ Off the Slits, Puttin’ Off the Hits, Puttin’ Off the (River) Styx
Procrastobliteration
Laser Laterz
Blastphemous
Oblaterated
Blast Place Ribbon
Laserious Issues
Laser Heir Removal

Eventual Winner: Blast Man Standing

Task Two: Think of a punned out theme for a Holiday Housewarming Party

Elapsed Time: 11 minutes

Suggestions:

Joy to the World, Our House Has Come
Welcome to the Sleighborhood
Jingle Bell Block Party
Chestnuts Hosting on an Open Fire
God Rest Ye Merry Housewarming
Here We Come A’Haussailing
Grandma Got Rum Over By A Reindeer, Grandma Got Rum Over By A Grainalcoholdeer
Frosty Brews the Snowman
Feliz New-vidad
Rum Rum Brewdolph
Please Come (to our) Home for Christmas

Eventual Winner: Grandma Got Rum Over By A Reinbeer

Woof. That’s like, a pun a minute, give or take a couple pundred seconds. Some are terrible. Some are terribly delightful.

I am, as always available for pun challenges at all times. Also, if you own a weird greeting card company and are looking for an employee, I work cheap, particularly if you’re looking for gun and alcohol related puns/portmanteaus.





Conversations with Zappa

19 09 2009

INT. HAYDEN HOUSEHOLD – DAY

Zappa and Sarah are hanging out, watching TV, doing regular daytime stuff. Zappa is getting restless.

Sarah: Do you need to go out?

Zappa: Well, yes, but I don’t want to trouble you.

Sarah: It’s okay. I was just about to lay down and take a nap, but okay.

Zappa: I can tell you’re upset, we don’t have to go out.

Sarah: Really?

Zappa: No, we do, I have to pee.

Sarah and Zappa stand and approach the door, in perfect synch. Sarah opens the door. Zappa pauses.

Sarah: Go.

Zappa: Aren’t you… aren’t you coming?

Sarah: I pee inside.

Zappa: Sometimes.

Sarah: ZING!

Zappa: No, seriously, aren’t you coming?

Sarah: Ugh, fine, I will stand outside with you.

Zappa: Okay, but I cannot go to the bathroom unless you are within 5 feet of me, so you will have to walk around with me as if I am on a leash, but I won’t be on a leash, I will be in our fenced-in backyard, ignoring my ability to run freely like a regular dog.

Sarah: Fine, I will walk around.

Zappa and Sarah proceed to walk around the backyard, smelling EVERYTHING. Zappa seems like she’s ready to pee.

She hesitates.

Sarah: What’s your problem?

Zappa: Don’t watch.

Sarah: I’m not watching.

Zappa: I can’t go if you are making eye contact with me.

Sarah: Zappa, I am not even looking at you.

Zappa: Well, look at me, but don’t make eye contact.

Sarah: YOU ARE THE WEIRDEST EFFING DOG.

Zappa: I KNOW.

END SCENE.





Putting the “I guess…” in “Guestimation.”

8 09 2009

Based on these two descriptions, which one would you think is the better zoo?

Zoo #1: The Cohanzick Zoo was the first zoo in New Jersey, established in Bridgeton City Park in 1934. The zoo has more than 200 birds and mammals from around the world and emphasizes the fauna of Asia and South America, including monkeys, bears, big cats, crocodiles, and snakes. A favorite for visitors is the White Tiger exhibit. Admission is free.

or

Zoo #2: The Cape May County Zoo, a wooded park area off Exit 11 of the Garden State Parkway on Route 9, is home to nearly 200 different species of mammals, birds, amphibians, and reptiles. Special exhibits include the World of Birds, Reptile and Amphibian House and an African Savanna. The large park area includes pavilions. a spacious playground area and biking trails.

On the one hand, the first zoo description only says “200 birds/mammals” as opposed to species, meaning they are probably counting individual animals here. But the second zoo description seems to be mostly about the park surrounding the zoo instead of the zoo itself. So, if you are like me, you would assume that the first zoo in New Jersey was definitely the better pick.

You would be WRONG.

What the brochure fails to mention is that of those 200 birds/mammals, they must be counting the hundred plus Canadian geese that have taken up residency in their alleged zoo. Once again, proof that the zoo businessmen of South Jersey need to put on their logic caps and keep the regular animals out of the actual animals’ exhibits. The brochure also fails to mention the extremely sad FAQ signs that greet you at the entrance to the zoo, posted on the glass of an empty cage.

FAQ 1: Where are all of your animals?

Answer: Animals get old & die. This year has been particularly rough, as we have lost 2 ocelots, several monkeys, and both of our reindeer.

FAQ 2: Can’t you get replacement animals?

Answer: It is harder to get animals that are suited for our enclosures than you think. It is too hard to transport animals in the summer because it is so hot they often die.

FAQ 3: Why don’t you build some more exhibits?

Answer: If you have $100,000 that you no longer need, we would be happy to build new exhibits.

All of these signs could have been condensed into a single sign:

“Dear Zoo-Goers:

FUCK YOU.

– Mgmt.”

Although I applaud their honesty, it really drew attention to the sad state of affairs at New Jersey’s first zoo. They need a little old man at the entrance to guilt people into making donations, like the Cape May County Zoo did. That is where the real money is.

Still, there were about 30 animals there (not counting dumb geese, ducks, and even more free-range peafowl) that were relatively cool. They had a white tiger. The signs claimed there were two, but I only saw one and given the tone of the other signs, I am more inclined to trust my eyes than theirs. They had a funny looking little bear. They had a mountain lion/big cat of some sort. Sadly, these animals were all super bored and took to pacing around, trying to coax the dumb geese and ducks to get close enough to eat.

A mom and little girl were feeding bread to all of the geese, ducks, and swans as we walked around. Thus, we had a herd of fowl following us around. And by following, I mean coming within inches of us. If I thought that birds had noses, I swear they would have been all up in our biz, sniffing us up and down like a dog when you smell like another dog. It was insane. And made me wish I had bread of my own so I could have captured one and taken it home.

The bird I most wanted to capture was this weird hybrid chicken/duck. We took to calling them chucks. It had all the coloring of a regular farm chicken, but webbed feet and weird skin stuff on their beaks like ducks. They were ridiculous and loved people and seriously wagged their tails at you. So, despite the extremely misleading advertising, I believe this trip was worthwhile because of my introduction to chucks.

Pictures will be forthcoming, I hope.

Additionally, we ate dinner at a bar with no name, no windows, no easily recognizable front door, that had been recommended to my dad by one of his fraternity brothers. Upon entering, this conversation occurred:

Dad: There’s blood on your stairs.

“Cosmo” the Bartender: Those stairs? No, that’s paint.

Dad: No, those stairs.

Cosmo: Oh, those stairs? Yeah, that’s blood.

Needless to say, dinner was delish.

——

What is an alternate name for the Cohanzick Zoo?

ANSWER: ZOOP

Alternate answers: “False advertising”, Oh Man’s Sick Zoo, Sadness.





A conversation between me and my dog

3 09 2009

My dog, Zappa, is the weirdest effing dog on the books. She is more of a needy lez girlfriend than a dog.

INT. HAYDEN HOUSEHOLD, 11:30 AM.

Sarah and Zappa have just come downstairs after a good night’s sleep. No one else is home, which seems to put Zappa on edge.

Sarah: Do you want to go out?

Zappa: No, not really.

Sarah: Do you want a dog biscuit?

Zappa: Don’t patronize me, it’s only 11:30 AM.

Sarah: Do you want to scratch up the leather couch before Dad gets home and yells at you?

Zappa: Well… no. No, we did that yesterday, didn’t we?

Sarah: You did. I’m a human.

Zappa: Right.

Sarah: Do you want to lay on your bed and ignore me?

Zappa: Meh… not really.

Sarah: How about staring out the window and growling at the little kids that you want to eat?

Zappa: I guess I could.

Sarah: But you don’t want to.

Zappa: Not right now.

Sarah: Do you want to just sit on my feet in the middle of the kitchen floor so I can’t go anywhere or do anything without upsetting you?

Zappa: YES, YES THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT.

END SCENE.

Zappa, you’re a real jerk sometimes.

——

What do you call a lottery ticket for dogs?

A DOG SCRATCHER.

Other acceptable answer: “You Lucky Dog”, 101 Dalmatian Chances, A Winner Dog.