Top Ten Most Ridiculous Movies in my Possession

27 09 2009

Since I don’t want to do anything that I need to do to pack, I did the least important task first because it was going to be the most fun task.

Task: Organize all of the movies I own into two binders. No specific order. All labeled. It was quite a feat.

Realization: I have one of the most ridiculous collections of movies that has ever existed. The only saving grace is that most of the movies were free, a by-product of working on the last day that Village Video was in business. But seriously. I should be embarrassed.

The Most Ridiculous Movies in My Possession:

10. All You’ve Got – MTV made-for-tv movie about high school volleyball. Starring Ciara and Adrienne Bailon, so you know it’s a winner. Acquired for free.

9. 4 discs of episodes of Little Men – A Canadian show based on Louisa May Alcott’s sequel to Little Women. Acquired after a night of heavy drinking from Amazon.

8. Relative Evil – This movie is apparently so bad that it is listed as “Ball in the House” on IMDB, which I assume is some sort of working title/alternative title/who-gives-a-fuck title. Not entirely sure what it’s about. There seems to be drugs involved. Acquired for free.

7. Confessions of a Sociopathic Social Climber – This may be a Lifetime movie. I at least saw it for the first time on Lifetime. Jennifer Love Hewitt, doing it up as a total prostie bitch. The best part of this movie is the recommendations IMDB claims you will enjoy if you like this movie: Anchorman (what?), City of Shoulders and Noses (which, you may also like if you enjoy my movie, Slit and Commit, apparently), and Orgazmo (double what?). Basically, IMDB is saying that if you like this movie, it’s possible that you do not actually like movies. Acquired for free.

6. The American Mall – MTV’s answer to High School Musical. Not a fantastic answer. A musical about people who work in a mall who are apparently allowed to stay in the mall at all hours of the day. The main girl’s voice (Mia on Degrassi, y’all) is so digitized, it’s insane. Acquired for free.

5. The Mighty Ducks 3 – Mighty Ducks? Classic. Mighty Ducks 2? Even better. Mighty Ducks 3? Straight to DVD. This time, all of the Ducks are accepted to the same private school, but there is a question of whether they’ll make the varsity team or not! Guess what? If the majority of the National Junior Olympics hockey team came to your school, they would be on the varsity team, no question. If the rest of you mofos on the varsity team were so good, you would’ve been on the Olympic team, but since you were not, I can only assume you’d be benched once the Olympians showed up. Acquired for free.

4. Normal Adolescent Behavior: Havoc 2 – A sequel to some rando movie I had never heard of and that I don’t think has anything to do with this movie. Basically, a group of friends have sex with each other constantly. Starring both Stephen from Laguna Beach AND Phil of the Future AND Joan of Arcadia. Totally weird. And somehow, I feel like I saw this for the first time on Lifetime as well, which is totes appropes. Acquired for free.

3. The one-two punch of Teaching Mrs. Tingle and Disturbing Behavior – The crown jewels of Katie Holmes’ late 90s reign over our pre-teen zeitgeist. I was in 7th and 8th grade when these movies came out and I don’t think I was allowed to see them and I don’t think I have seen Disturbing Behavior still. These movies are a graveyard of teen heartthrobs and also thesis-worthy if your thesis was about “movies that made teenagers convinced that school administrators and all other figures of authorities were out to get them.” Acquired for free.

2. Pinata Survival Island – Another movie so good that IMDB cannot decide what its title actually is. A bunch of frat bros and sorority hos go on an island scavenger hunt looking for pairs of underwear (no, really) and pinatas filled with alcohol. They accidentally break open an ancient, cursed pinata which then terrorizes and kills them all. Can’t get off the island because the boats are gone, their cell phones don’t work, and the general consensus is “our other frat bros will realize that we’re missing after a day or two and come find us.” PSYCH. Acquired for $1.

1. Boxing Helena – Basically, the story of a man who is so obsessed with this lady that he cuts off her arms and legs and keeps her in a box on his dining room table. THIS MOVIE WILL BLOW YOUR MIND IN THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE. Acquired entirely on purpose after my dad told me about it.

The moral of the story is: I HAVE FANTASTIC TASTE.

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