This is not an April Fool’s Day Post

1 04 2010

PSYCH, IT TOTALLY IS.

In keeping with my true loves – puns and misunderstandings – I bring you several misheard April Fool’s Day Pranks:

APRIL FOOD’S DAY PRANKS:

1. The old standby: salt and pepper shaker gags. Switch the salt and pepper. Switch the salt and sugar. Unscrew the top of the salt shaker so your intended target pours way too much salt on his food and gets heart disease. Classic!

2. Call your spaghetti sauce ‘pasta sauce’ repeatedly.

3. Send someone a case of Diet Coke because you think they’re fat. Hilarious AND thought-provoking!

4. Start a blog about balogna and call it a Bablogna.

5. While no one’s looking, put needles in all of the fruit at your local supermarket. Get a job at a canned food company. Reap benefits.

APRIL FUEL’S DAY PRANKS:

1. Get gas.

2. Don’t get gas.

3. Laugh at someone else getting gas.

4. Put premium into your Toyota Celica.

5. Put sugar in your enemy’s gas tank. Watch the fireworks.

APRIL TUESDAY PRANKS:

1. It’s Tuesday?

2. It’s not Tuesday.

3. It’s Thursday.

PAPAL FOOL’S DAY PRANKS:

1. Know that your clergymen are abusing children, but shhh! Don’t say anything! That’s the joke!

2. Abuse children and be super obvious about it, even have other people witness it and BAM! They’ll send you somewhere exotic to keep doing your job. Hello, free vacation!

3. Be a known member of the Nazi youth. Wait a bunch of years. Get elected Pope!

4. Make everyone miss the good old days when being Catholic wasn’t as embarrassing and was vaguely normal. Feel guilt for a hundred years for thinking said thought.

5. Use Lent as a thinly veiled weight loss tool. Give up fast food or candy because oh em geez, you can’t live without it. Cancun or bust, spring break 2010.

APRIL CRUISE DAY PRANKS:

1. Tell people they won a cruise. Bring them to a boat. Push them in. Have the boat go to Africa, where they will be sold into role-reversal slavery. Send them a telegram that says “HOW DO YOU LIKE THESE REPARATIONS. STOP.”

2. Tell people you won a cruise. Sit in your apartment for 2 weeks, photoshopping yourself into tropical island pictures and boat pictures. Catch up on your shows. Eat pizza. Sleep.

3. Actually go on a cruise and enjoy it. Make sure your intended victim finds out through third parties that you went on a cruise. Living well is the best revenge, after all. You know who said that? Me either.

END.





Themes for Your Convenience

24 02 2010

For when you just can’t think up your own or the deepest you can get to are “kissy face” or “pouty face”, you can enjoy this list of things to yell out the next time you meet up with your hip friends and want to spice up your facebook photography.

Many of these themes also make really good life mottos. Just FYI.

1. Giraffe stampede (you are a giraffe stampeding, you are being chased by a giraffe stampede, you see someone else being stampeded, etc.)

2. You’ve fallen from a great distance but on impact you wake up and it was just a dream.

3. Photosynthesis.

4. Cannibalism.

5. Cannonballism.

6. The Black Plague has affected your neighbors and you can hear their screams, but you still feel pretty confident in the rat traps you’ve surrounded your bedroom door with.

7. You’re OCD and accidentally touched a moldy sandwich.

8. You are a moldy sandwich.

9. Spa weekend and you just got your period.

10. You’ve just pulled what you assumed was a great April Fool’s Day joke, but now Jeff is dead.

11. Arm hair farmers.

12. Ants questioning their day-to-day.

13. You’ve been cast in a movie, but it has a nude scene.

14. You have a dream that your limbs have grown back, but you wake up and they haven’t.

15. Caught in a rainstorm/tornado/snowstorm/regional weather phenom.

16. You finally understand what you are actually calling someone when you call them a “douchebag.”

17. “Douchebag.”

18. You wish your Diet Cherry Coke was Cherry Coke.

19. The embodiment of hypoglycemia.

20. Purgatory.

21. Your hand is in the deep fryer.

22. You don’t want your friends to know that you like the smell of earwax.

23. You stood next to a celebrity for 5 whole minutes and didn’t say anything.

24. Smells like mulch in here.

25. You’re having an allergic reaction to your second favorite food.





A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore, Part 4

10 01 2010

FACE PUNCH.

Where to begin.

As a lady who has been punched in the face by both a dude and a lady (by choice, no worries here) and as a lady who has been punched in the face AND had it videotaped (also by choice, no worries again. Long story. I almost got kicked out of my dorm because apparently, asking someone to punch you in the face so you can see what a black eye is like is frowned upon at NU. Who knew? Everyone) I can’t understand why MTV would black out this punch during the actual episode.

1. You already showed it in all of the previews. It’s not like anyone interested in Jersey Shore has not already seen it.

2. The news went ahead and showed it like, six billion times. So it’s not like anyone interested in the news has not already seen it.

3. You show dudes getting punched in the face by dudes CONSTANTLY.

4. You showed Snooki get punched in the face (slapped/hit/maybe not totally punched) by a girl two episodes later.

5. You have shown way more effed up biz than Snooki getting Snooki’d. Um, Jackass, anyone? A lot of episodes of True Life, anyone? Tom Green’s testicular surgery, anyone?

So seriously, the only reason to black it out is to annoy me.

I’m no feminist, but I think showing boys hit boys, girls hit girls, girls hit boys, and NOT show boys hit girls is vaguely misogynistic. Maybe. Not totally sure. Either way, to put in a disclaimer about domestic abuse against women was a little over the top. I don’t think it really constitutes domestic abuse if they are not in a relationship and it’s just some rando drunkard punching another rando drunkard, boy or girl.

Obvs, poor Snooki. And in no way do I condone what happened. I just think, after having sat through people shooting up and people getting their testicles removed and people paper cutting all of the skin between their digits, I’m ready to watch a girl get sucker punched at the shore.

But besides all that.

HOLY CRAP, WHAT A TAKE DOWN! In a bad way. Snooki, bless her heart, took it like a champ. The chant of “Please don’t let me be missing any teeth” in the bathroom was particularly poignant. Because that would be anyone’s first instinct. Dentists are expensive, friends. And with several missing teeth, she’d probably have to get dentures, which means denture glue, which is sooooo not conducive to finding a hot, juiced up guido husband in Seaside Heights, NJ.

Although, my favorite thing to come out of this is the phrase “to get Snooki’d.” I went back to the ol’ Dirty Jerz for Christmas/New Year’s and found myself in a North Jersey bar. Nowhere near Sleazeside. And yet, these bars always seem to be filled with guidos because there are a lot of you-are-a-total-idiot-if-you-can’t-get-into-this-college colleges in the area, which sort of breeds the type of bar goers who also may be the type of people to own their own tanning beds. I’m not saying the kids on Jersey Shore are dumb. I’m just saying that maybe these colleges were their reach schools.

Every single time I have been to these bars, without fail, there has been a bar fight. You put a lot of people in a small space and put a bunch of made-up slooters in front of a bunch of disgusting, Christiane Audigier worshiping bros, and there’s bound to be some pugilism. Anyway, this particular night, it was probably a week or two after the epic facepunch episode, so Jersey kids were at their peak of national recognition. Some guy starts punching some other guy, and they are swiftly taken away from the bar. All is calm until someone yells out “That dude just got SNOOKI’D!” and then, the dogs were unleashed. Who let the dogs out? That guy, in the back. The entire bar – the ENTIRE bar – starts chanting “Snooki, Snooki, Snooki” as this dude is kicked out of the bar.

Forget The Battle of Morristown. Forget George Washington. Forget Patriot’s Path. This, this moment in the bar, was a true New Jersey historical moment. Someday, there will be statues of dear Snooki erected in our public parks. “Live free or get Snooki’d” they’ll say. The children will read about her on their whatever-will-be-superior-to-the-Kindle-in-2100s. Moms will name their daughters Snooki, only to have them be called “Schnooki” or “Snickers” in school, because no one will care enough about their weird, half oaf/half dwarf faces to actually worry about what their names are in the first place.

And it will be righteous.

For the five of you that maybe haven’t seen this facepunch, a link, which is a delightful music video-esque cut of all of the punches they showed up to and including the Snooki punch. AKA what they would show, and what they deemed too inappropes to show:

Oh, Snooki. We thought this was the end. And yet, you got punched in the face again this week. You, my friend, have a magnet for facepunches.





A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore, Part Three

26 12 2009

The gentlemen, if you can call them that. I prefer “adorable scamps” or “douchebags.”

The boys of the Jersey Shore are interesting because they are portayed as being as dramatic and lame as the girls, if not more so, which is rare for an MTV show. Lest you think them too sensitive though, they bring it back to Shore-goer standards by trying at least five times a night to get girls to come back to the hot tub with them. Corollary: thank you, MTV, for being gracious enough to give these kids a hot tub. What would they do without one?

Now, let’s get right down to it. I am so attracted to all of these “juiced up, muscley Guidos” that I can hardly contain my excitement at describing them to you, dear readers. PSYCH. These men are seriously the kind of men that, were they the last men on Earth, I would either hope for immaculate conception up in that mo or just let the human race die out. And it would be fine, because they would be too busy showing each other their sweet dance moves to try to save the human race anyway.

PAULY D – 28, Johnston, RI

“Pauly D is Rhode Island’s most well known DJ and keeps a tanning bed in his house.” Firstly, Pauly D must be making some sweet cash to afford his own tanning bed (insert own mafia-related joke here, as even I will not stoop.) Secondly, being the most well-known DJ in Rhode Island is like being the best pizza in a room full of anorexics. It’s nice, but… does anyone care? Unfortch, Pauly D is the only guy on this show that has the actual, gelled-up Guido hairstyle that the internet has come to know and love. His hair actually looks like, were you to trip and fall and let Pauly D’s coif break your fall, it would no doubt impale you a la that girl who jumped out her window and landed on a fence post in “The Virgin Suicides.” Also, Pauly D is TWENTY EIGHT YEARS OLD. As in, way too old for this guy to still be down at the shore and trying to have sex with girls while his buddy is also trying to have sex with girls in the same room. The same room. Gross, Pauly D. Also, gross, girls who are obliging him in this practice.

RONNIE – 23, Bronx, NY

“He comes into the house with one rule: Don’t fall in love at the Jersey Shore.” Good rule, Ron Ron. Although I think everyone goes down to the shore with that rule in mind, perhaps amended a little bit to “Don’t get an STD at the Jersey Shore.” I’m pretty sure that’s what you meant, though. I get it. As mentioned in the previous entry, Ronnie invented perhaps the greatest term of American history – “smooshed.” As in, “had sexual intercourse.” He smooshed Sammi. This act of smooshing has put Ronnie in the compromising position of maybe – just maybe – falling in love within the 2 or 3 weeks that they have been at the Jersey Shore so far. Evidenced by the fact that he told Sammi, “I thought this house was the best thing that ever happened to me. But you are.” Romantic? Natch. But if the best thing that has ever happened to Ronnie in 23 years was going on vacation to Sleazeside forĀ  a few weeks to work at a t-shirt shop, but then it turns out that smooshing some girl with the personality of a fairly innocuous toaster is the real best thing that has ever happened to him, perhaps Ronnie falls into the category of people for whom considering ending it all is not necessarily the worst idea.

THE SITUATION – 27, Staten Island, NY

“Mike may have a sensitive side, but he has plenty of game to go with it.” Let the record show that I kind of love The Situation. However, I’m not sure that it can be called a sensitive side if said sensitive side is only used for getting ladies to talk to him and swoon for his abdominal situation. His go-to pick up line is ‘Seriously though, you look really nice today. You really do. You look nice. You do. You really do. Look nice.’ Very sensitive, The Situation. However, despite also being about 5 years too old for his antics, The Situation’s redeeming quality is a relatively biting wit and as much of a way with words as any of these guys could possibly hope for. He is easily the most interesting person on the show, due to his valiant attempts to use the word “situation” as a name, noun, verb, and adjective all in the same sentence and for coming up with the delightfully degrading term ‘the grenade’ for a less-than-desirable lady whom Pauly D politely falls upon so The Situation can hook up with her hotter friend. I predict by the end of the season, The Situation will get himself into a statch rape situation which he will not be able to ugly-face-hot-bod his way out of, wiles and lingo aside. Only then will he truly know what his namesake is.

VINNY – 21, Staten Island, NY

“Having just turned 21, Vinny has been waiting for this summer his whole life and is ready for a wild time with no boundaries.” This sentence shows that Vinny is the only person on the show with an actual reason to both be at the shore and be Shitty City, USA at the shore – the little guy just turned 21! Because his behavior is excusable despite being presumably deplorable, Vinny gets pretty much no camera time. Who wants to see someone young being young? We’d rather see two old guys being young. Thus, the only notent notable about Vinny is that he got pink eye that one time. And that everyone thinks he got pink eye from basically sticking his face in a fat lady’s ass. This sounds like an exaggeration but is not. Maybe Vinny will become important later on. My instinct is that, unless he falls from a great height into a roommate’s vagina, he will not. And that might be your greatest blessing, dear Vinny. Be free! Stay irrelevant and live your life as it was meant to be lived – respecting your mother and being a harmless stereotype!

It will be interesting to see what these douchers think about Snooki getting punched in the face and I look forward to the next episode for this reason and more. There are more parts of this series to come, namely: the punch, “interesting” other articles of both praise and prudence for Jersey Shore, the t-shirt guy, and perhaps a liveblog or three? If given the opportunity to be by myself in the house in the next few days, I may even go back and re-watch the other episodes of Jersey Shore and write down some thoughts scene by scene. This is how much I am fascinated by this show/devoid of emotional depth. However, since my family is awfully judgmental of my awful taste in television, I will probably be unable to do so without facing more ridicule.





This Week in Pun Brainstorms

29 11 2009

I spend a lot of my time thinking of puns for both business and pleasure (by business, I mean I do it at work fairly often).

This week, I had two fairly successful brainstorms with my roommate Kristin via gchat. Having spent the last two years of college speaking almost exclusively in puns with my roommate Patrick, it was nice to get back in the groove of extensive, fast-pace, word play.

Task One: Think of a name of a television show involving as many of the following traits as possible: procrastination, disdain for your friend, being trapped in a closet, the apocalypse, the future, suicide.

Elapsed Time: 40 minutes

Suggestions:

Purgastory
Too Loose Noose
Pull the Trigg..eh…
Limbo Akimbo
Limp Wrists, Limp Dicks
Schizofriendics
Suicide-by-side
Suistand By Me
Russian Coolette, Russian Rouldebt, Russian Foolettes, Russian To Let (something happen), Crushing Regret [a stretch, aware.]
Double Barrel Buddies
Shotgun Circle Jerks
Bullet’s Be Friends
Cock and Bullets
Sherlock and Load
Friendly Misfires
Gun Powdered Go-Nuts
A Salty Rifle, Assaulty Rivals
Puttin’ Off the Ritz, Puttin’ Off the Fists, Puttin’ Off the Fits (of Anger), Puttin’ Off the Slits, Puttin’ Off the Hits, Puttin’ Off the (River) Styx
Procrastobliteration
Laser Laterz
Blastphemous
Oblaterated
Blast Place Ribbon
Laserious Issues
Laser Heir Removal

Eventual Winner: Blast Man Standing

Task Two: Think of a punned out theme for a Holiday Housewarming Party

Elapsed Time: 11 minutes

Suggestions:

Joy to the World, Our House Has Come
Welcome to the Sleighborhood
Jingle Bell Block Party
Chestnuts Hosting on an Open Fire
God Rest Ye Merry Housewarming
Here We Come A’Haussailing
Grandma Got Rum Over By A Reindeer, Grandma Got Rum Over By A Grainalcoholdeer
Frosty Brews the Snowman
Feliz New-vidad
Rum Rum Brewdolph
Please Come (to our) Home for Christmas

Eventual Winner: Grandma Got Rum Over By A Reinbeer

Woof. That’s like, a pun a minute, give or take a couple pundred seconds. Some are terrible. Some are terribly delightful.

I am, as always available for pun challenges at all times. Also, if you own a weird greeting card company and are looking for an employee, I work cheap, particularly if you’re looking for gun and alcohol related puns/portmanteaus.





What did the nocturnal rodent say when he was invited to a lame party?

1 09 2009

“Um… possumbly. ”

Today I started a blog.

Did you feel the world change?

Me too.

Mostly, I just want it to be clear that, no matter what happens, everyone knows that I invented the word ‘possumbly.’ So don’t even think about stealing it, you-kids-on-MTV. I mailed it to myself in the mail which, if my knowledge of urban legends that may be true is as strong as I think it is, means that it is copyrighted.

(I didn’t. I don’t even know how much stamps cost. 44 cents? Possumbly.)