Jersey Shore Migrates South for the Winter

14 04 2010

Or summer. Or whatever.

I, like everyone else on the internet, feel I need to share my two cents about the recent decision to move the next season of Jersey Shore to – gasp – NOT the Jersey Shore. And THEN the decision to announce that don’t worry, actually, Jersey Shore will take place mostly at – gasp – YES the Jersey Shore.

Because no one digs a little not-really-suspense more than MTV.

You can read the full story here – and by full story, I mean it will take you a full 30 seconds to understand the situation. See what I did there?

Let’s discuss how this decision will affect our lives:

1. The cast will include the entire cast, including Angelina!

Pro: It was discovered on the reunion special that Angelina may or may not (hint: yes) have some sexual history with one The Situation. Will this play out on the show? Will The Situation realize that he’s almost 30 and should probably start dating a woman who, though she is not interesting, at least has the least aurally offensive name of all the gal’s on the show?

Con: There are no second chances at the Jersey Shore, let’s be real. Except for Snooki. And Ronnie. And everyone at the Jersey Shore because if you black out every night, every night is a do-over!

2. They will be starting the season in South Beach.

Pro: There are probably more exotic forms of STDs to be found in Florida.

Con: I think that’s how the Native Americans died.

3. They’ll be coming back to Sleazeside!

Pro: In all seriousness, this will probably be really good for NJ tourism.

Con: It will mostly attract the kinds of creatures that many often take vacations to get away from.

Pro: At least all of the be-gelled juiceheads will be at Sleazeside, trying to catch a glimpse of these warlocks.

Con: How will the rest of NJ shore-goers entertain themselves with no be-gelled juiceheads to giggle at?

4. The article mentions a Jersey Shore casting website, started “in case the show decides to explore the option of adding new castmembers to the second season.”

Pro: A dream come true for anyone who watched Jersey Shore and thought to themselves, “I’m tan enough, I’m drunk enough, and gosh darnit, people like me! Or at least they say they like me to my face but still have not introduced me to anyone in their social group, for fear of judgment.”

Con: I am too pale to have a chance at landing on this show. Also, an intense fear that The Situation will grasp hold of a friend and when I try to take her away, I will unfortunately be forever known as “The grenade” on national television. And that I will sign a release because I’ll think that this was somehow a flattering way to be presented on national television.

5. We are promised “party-hopping, bass-thumping, emotion-filled escapades.”

Pro: They will have to top last season’s emotion-filled escapades. So I only assume Snooki will get shot in the face, everyone will get arrested, and someone will probably die.

Con: The only con is that the season doesn’t start until late July. What am I supposed to do until then?

All in all, I can’t get enough. I’m glad they won’t be staying in South Beach the entire time, though it would have been interesting to see what might happen to them. Poor Seaside Heights, though. I can’t imagine the residents of this town are excited in any way. Hoping to see some cast members getting egged on the board walk. Then going back to the house, drinking a bottle of vino, and eating a bunch of sausage. Entendre INTENDED.

***

JOKE TIME:

Question: What is another name for the Jersey Shore ladeez?

Answer: JERSEY PROSTITUTES.

Alternatives: Jersey Skanks, Jersey Slooters, Jersey “What-do-you-mean-there-is-a-totally-obvious-joke-here?”s

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