A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore: Part Five

20 01 2010

Sadly, the favorite part of my week is almost over. Just one sad episode left tomorrow, and then our lives go back to being completely meaningless once again. It’s like Nietsche knew that eventually our society would see this very show, experience The Situation uninviting Sammi to Ravioli Night, the show would end, and then everyone would become totally nihilist. And he knew that something called Facebook would be around, and he would train his supporters to pass down the message that they should make a fan page for him after this happened. And then, everyone who used to be a fan of Jersey Shore would then go on facebook and become a fan of Nihilism and then he could be all like, “Take THAT, God!” and maybe get a ticket out of limbo. But probably not.

Long story short, I’m really going to miss Jersey Shore.

That said, here are some of my favorite Jersey Shore inspired sketches and videos from the past few weeks.

1. SNOOKI READS THE WEATHER

The style. The finesse. Little Schnooks has a bright future in squinting at teleprompters. Someone get this girl to an awards ceremony ASAP (which, corollary, when are the MTV Movie Awards? If anyone wants to lose some money, I’d bet you $1000 the cast gets to introduce a category. Or at the very least, a musical act. At the very VERY least, they’ll be involved in a video.)

Also, love that she basically calls the ladycaster an old bitch, backtracks with the Jersey Shore equivalent of class, and then proves that she doesn’t wear a Bump-It. Oh, Snooki. Whether there’s a Bump-It in there or not is not the problem. It’s the Pouf itself.

Double also, can’t believe that weather man wants to get with Snooki so bad. But in the words of ol’ Snook “I mean, if he came on to me, I wouldn’t tell him to get off.”

2. MICHAEL CERA BECOMES A GUIDO

It’s really hard to tell who has less of an idea who the other person/people is/are: Michael Cera or the cast of Jersey Shore. I guess the cast probably saw Superbad, but something tells me Arrested Development is like, eight steps above their intelligence percentiles.

No matter. Because it’s a collision of two of MY favorite things, and that’s what MTV should revolve around anyway – Sarah Hayden’s interests. Michael Cera trying to beat the shit out of whatever air pinata they fist pump into circa 3:45, and Michael Cera saying, “I can’t remember if I’m a medium Ed Hardy or a small.” One of life’s greatest mysteries, Michael Cera.

3. LITTLE JERSEY SHORE

I can’t figure out how to embed this, just check it out.

I love this. And I love that it may or may not just be a home video from the cast’s childhood and they have secretly known each other for years. Nothing better than adults hitting on children, and then children physically hitting the adults back. “You wanna play trucks?” Hells yeah she does, Pauly D.

4. THE SITUATION NICKNAMES CONAN

Unfortch, this clip does not have The Situation explaining how he got his own nickname (which is basically just him completely misunderstanding his friends, and then just going with it) but you can look that one up yourself. This clip is great for 2 reasons. 1: Snooki has to have a little box for her feet, even when sitting on a couch. 2: Conan’s sheer joy at landing such a nickname. And bonus great thing about this clip: The Situation in a velvet blazer. The fact that it doesn’t look like crushed velvet makes me think it’s actually velour. Which is much more Shore-esque.

5. THE CAST AS POSSIBLE CLASSICALLY TRAINED ACTORS

The only thing better than the cast trying to act like themselves is the cast trying to act like actors acting like themselves. I like to think that everyone is trying to pull off a British accent, but Pauly D is the only one that comes vaguely close. Since he presumably played an orphan of sorts in whatever all-guido elementary school production of Oliver! that he must have participated in to win an accent like that.

6. SNOOKI ON SNL’S WEEKEND UPDATE

I also can’t figure out how to embed this. Internet fail for me today.

This is just a fantastic impression. When things like this happen, I wonder if the people being made fun of see the clip and are either super offended or super into it. In Snooki’s case, I can assume she wants to get Bobby Moynihan drunk and smoosh him for paying any sort of attention to her. Why would anyone call her Garfield? “Because I’m bright orange and I love lasagna.” Also, back abs. Love it.

7. BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE’S JERSEY SHORE AUDITION TAPE

Bobby Bottleservice is a true class act. He loves his mother, and what more can you ask of a man? Additionally, Jersey Shore may have been the best thing to happen to him, since him not being on the show (or real) might be the worst thing to happen to America. Maybe season 2. Good work, Nick Kroll. A big step up from the Geico cavemen. Who, coincidentally, would probably also get along really well being on Jersey Shore?

If I keep looking for my favorite videos, I’m never going to get anything done for the rest of my life. Know that they exist. Just know

Next week: We say goodbye to Jersey Shore. Until next season, duh.

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A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore, Part Two

23 12 2009

The characters.

Oh, the characters. What’s not to love? I can’t decide what is the best way to enjoy these people: to forget that they are  real and just think of them as a kooky writer’s creation OR to remember that these are real people. That people literally exist who think that Elvira hair + a Bump-it + fake ‘n bake = a hot piece, not a hot mess.

Being from the green zone, I have the pleasure of not knowing anyone like this. Have I seen them before? God yes, as I have been to several less-than-desirable locales, Long Island among them (though it’s not as bad as Staten Island, trust.) I even saw people having their wedding reception on the boardwalk two summers ago. And by “wedding reception”, I mean “groom was wearing his best white FUBU sweat-outfit, bride was wearing a white tube dress + bobby-pinned tulle in her hair, their kids were in a red wagon being pulled behind them.” Romance was in the air, y’all. Fairly sure there was ice cream involved.

IRREGARDLESS (which you would say if you were actually from Sleazeside, fyi) – let’s do a quick breakdown on the wonderful people we have met thus far on Jersey Shore, based on their champ bios on MTV.com. Let’s start with the ladies:

ANGELINA – 22, Staten Island.

“She always has something to say and doesn’t care what anyone else thinks.” People who claim that they don’t care what anyone else thinks are my least favorite people, whether they are on a gross, gross television show or in real life. Particularly people who pose like this lady over here. And particularly ladies who, though her life on Jersey Shore was short-lived, spend all of their time cock-blocking people for no reason. Why, why cock-block your roommates, B? Because she is j-jealz that other people can get action and she cannot. Particularly because her “boyfriend” is married? Has she never seen a television or movie in the last 20 years of her life where the phrase “He’s never gonna leave her” is uttered? At least the rest of the people on this show are entertaining trash. Angelina is like the RA on the first floor that sometimes comes up to your floor just because she can and writes you up for a noise violation at 8 pm on a Sunday. AKA a big jerk. As much as she sucks, I’ll give her credit for producing my favorite line from the show so far: “I’m a bartender. I do great things.” Which was in reference to why hocking t-shirts was beneath her. Okay, dummy.

J-WOWW – 23, Franklin Square, NY

“Impulsive and spontaneous, Jenni is a party girl with zero self control.” Umm… this is kind of the meanest bio I have ever read, MTV. Did J-WOWW approve this? J-WOWW, you should probably get on that. As if they weren’t openly mocking you on television, they are now internet openly mocking you. Yeesh. Although, speaking of internet, J-WOWW has the greatest personal website and guess what – they’re hiring! So not only can you get signed posters on jwoww.com, but you can “get paid to party” if you look at the bottom of the second poster on this page. J-WOWW’s sidekick? Is that one of the “all positions open”? She’s kind of the best, let’s be real. Thinking about asking my hairdresser to make my hair look disgusting and then going up to a homeless man and asking him to rip all of my clothes apart because what am I going to do with a whole shirt? And then when the homeless man asks to keep the scraps, I’m going to be all like, “WWJWOWWD?” and take them back.

SAMMI – 22, Hazlet, NJ

“Her friends call her a sweetheart, but when it comes to guys she is a heartbreaker.” I’m not really sure I’ve heard anyone call this lady ‘Sweetheart’ since the first episode when someone called her Sweetheart before they even knew what her name was. Full disclosure – my mom is from Hazlet too. I spent many a day in Hazlet as a child. And I still find Sammi as boring as everything people usually think is boring. Poor The Situation, wasting his sweet, sweet, lady-getting talents on this lame-o. Congrats to her for the privilege of smooshing Ronnie. She alternately looks really skinny or vaguely chubby, it’s hard to put my finger on. Full disclosure – my fingers are usually covered in foodstuffs, so really, I should not be passing judgments. Also, did anyone notice when she was going to go mini-golfing with Ronnie and she was basically deciding between one purse, or putting that purse inside of another purse? My inkling is that this lady’s lightbulb is a little loose. And, having done well on my SAT’s, I feel comfortable making fun of her for that.

SNOOKI – 21, Marlboro, NY

“Her height has been as much of a strength as it has been an obstacle, and it will color her summer at the Shore in a big way.” Dear, sweet, innocent Snooki. You also have a totally weird bio. How is your height going to color your summer? Pretty sure your alcoholism, low self-esteem, and misunderstanding of why people are watching you eat pickles is probably going to color your summer instead. I’m not convinced that this girl knows what feminism is, but to say that she is pretty much the exact opposite of a feminist is only a vague exaggeration. My favorite example being when she started to eat her friends face like they were trapped in a space vacuum and sucking all of the remaining air out of her friend was the only way she was going to survive. Afterwards, she interviews that “that’s why girls kiss girls, to impress dudes.” Exactly, Snooki. Exactly. I hope this girl is aware that her stature qualifies her for handicap parking, which would really benefit everyone in the house. Also, never in my life have I seen hair like that. And never before have I wished that this would have come out prior to Halloween so I could have been her. Missed opportunity, MTV.

Next segment: The Boys. After that: SO MANY OTHER JERSEY SHORE THOUGHTS. Turns out I could probably write a paper on these kids. Will include: thoughts on the punch. Maybe I’ll liveblog the next episode. Though, sadly, Christmas is postponing it for this week. How can the Italians be so mad? At least MTV is celebrating Christmas like they would’ve wanted!