I know how you guys are getting here…

8 12 2009

… and I like it.

My favorite thing about WordPress is that they tell you the search engine terms that lead people to your website. First of all, genius. Second of all, hilarious. Most importantly, ridiculous.

Here’s a breakdown of how, exactly, my dear readers have been getting to me in recent days:

1. Searches for “Lady Gaga Marilyn Manson same person” or something along those very specific lines have netted a total of 24 visitors. Twenty four! So not only was this not as original of a thought as I previously expected (if you had been inside of my mind the first time I thought it whilst at a random party, you too would have thought I was geenz) but it is apparently not as far-fetched as expected either. We all kind of think Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson are the same person. I’d put a good three dollars on at least one of those visits being from Lady Gaga and/or Marilyn Manson. And three dollars to me is like, six million dollars to real people.

2. Searches for things involving the words “upside down” have netted 3 visitors. And not just any old search for “upside down”, but the following, very specific “upside down” things:

  • “Upside Down Puke”
  • “Upside Down Aquarium Secret”
  • “Why Can’t Humans Survive Upside Down?”

I’d really like to search these myself, because why can’t humans survive upside down? Or can they? I hope so. More specifically, I hope it’s a super rare chromosomal abnormality that makes it so certain humans can survive upside down, and these humans are going to do well for themselves when the gravity on Earth goes laffy taffy and people will literally have to survive upside down. Or in the future when people fall out of their spaceship cars and have to survive upside down until the spaceship tow truck comes along and with all the traffic that’s going to be up there, geez, it could take a while.

Also upside down aquarium secret? I’ll assume this is from some sort of video game. Otherwise my goldfish has some explaining to do.

3. Three separate searches for the Half Ton Teen or the 650 Pound Virgin have led here. I remember mentioning these guys several times on Twitter, and so I can only assume my interest in TLC shows has wound up on this blog through osmosis. Also, having a tag called “obpleasity” was probably a big help. But yes, these ones made me particularly happy about the internet.

4. Two each for Tom Arnold and Viggo Mortensen. Now if only Tom Arnold and Viggo Mortensen would respond to my dinner party invitations, we might all have something to talk about. Besides “Carpool”, obvs.

5. Random faves: “catsuits”, “puke nauseous”, and “quite possumbly.” Because what is a blog without a good mention of skin-tight pleather, throwing up on many many (god, so many, I’m sorry) many occasions, and the punchline of a joke that is only slightly decent? Nothing, that’s what.

The statistical analysis part of my brain has convinced the other, more worldly parts of my brain that all of these random searches must mean I am really accomplishing my original goal: write some totally random stuff, have no specific theme at all, and someday, totally random people will find you in really weirdo ways. Although the statistical analysis part of my brain only got a 4 on the AP Statistics test, so it could be a whole point off of what it really means.

But that’s okay.

—— JOKE ALERT ——-

QUESTION: What is an Alaskan’s favorite porno?

ANSWER: Up the Asskimo.

ALTERNATIVES: Glacial Facials, The In-yo-tits (like the Inuits), Polar Opposites (also possibly a RomCom or buddy cop film, but in this case, a mixed race porno), Teabaggin’ (because who doesn’t love riding toboggans?)

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Lady Gaga can read your thoughts

24 11 2009

…like, months before you have them.

Friends, I stand mistaken. Rather – I stand with some proof that most people would take as proof, but I’m going to take as evidence I can spin to still fit my conspiratorial theories. Mere days after first hypothesizing that perhaps Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson were the same person, I came across a remix of “Love Game” by Mr. Manson himself. Hypothetically, obvs.

Granted, this is not the official video, but worst case scenario, Gaga and Manson at least shook hands in the making of this song.

Also, this picture exists of them together:

Not incontrovertible, let's be real.

This all apparently happened in June-ish. To be fair, I don’t think anyone was really aware of how much Gaga was going to blow up in June. I mean, she was on Gossip Girl last week, guys. Girl’s gone wild!

So, for all intents and purposes, Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson are probably not the same person. Unless…

1. One of the above people is a stunt double. I hear that’s huge in the music biz.

2. That is not Marilyn Manson, but Pete Wentz.

3. That is not Lady Gaga, but Amy Winehouse.

4. Identical twins.

5. String theory.

BAM.





Is Lady Gaga actually Marilyn Manson?

17 11 2009

An ill-researched comparison.

I have been introduced to the Lady Gaga “Bad Romance” video and my first instinct was, as it is with most things Gaga related – this is TERRIFYING.

And then I felt something deeper, something… familiar in weirdo dinosaur dance moves and big huge eyeballs (even more familiar than those weird shoe ads in Cosmo that have been big eye terrifying for years).

I realized it was the same feeling I used to get watching Marilyn Manson videos – the intrigue, the “I can’t tear my eyes away because if I do, Marilyn Manson may or may not jump through my TV and tear my eyes away for me.” The WTF moment before I knew what WTF moments were.

Observe (if you dare):

Now, not the greatest comparison, but I am too scared to look for anything else Marilyn Manson related right now – it’s dark out. But, my preliminary instincts are that Lady Gaga IS Marilyn Manson.

1. Has anyone seen Marilyn Manson recently? More importantly, has anyone ever seen Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson in the same place? Any TV sitcom enthusiast worth their weight in laugh tracks will tell you that two people who are actually the same person can’t be in the same room at the same time! It’s SCIENCE.

2. It is not easy to duplicate that glow in the dark tan – believe me, us nearbinos stick together, and it takes some real work to not go outside ever and still have the kind of exposure experienced by Manson in the 90s and Gaga in the now’s.

3. These videos are vaguely similar. Maybe not perfect duplicates, but don’t you think your musical stylings/visual instincts would change a little bit over the course of 10 – 15 years? The catchy drum beat, the kabillion costume changes, the running motif of metal in or around the mouth. It’s all there.

4. Look at that bone structure! Marilyn Manson used to heart dressing up in lady parts, and Lady Gaga is developing a strong interest in both flames and catsuits. Coincidence? Doubt it.

Q.E.D.

Lady Gaga = Marilyn Manson