In honor of…

20 06 2010

My dear friend Chels, aka The Lady of the House from a post of yore, I return to you, oh blog, for another installment of her absolute favorite thing in the world as of 6 AM on a Monday morning, following an evening of drinking.

ANIMAL KINGDOM MISSED CONNECTIONS.

Enjoy. And happy graduation, dearest Lady of the House.

NAKED MOLE RAT MISSED CONNECTIONS

“I was naked. Seriously, if you look at me again, I’ll call the police.”

“I was naked. Do I have to tell you again? Just because the blinds are open doesn’t mean you have the right to look into my window right when I step out of the shower. It’s a right to privacy, man. I’m serious, the police are on speed dial.”

“I was naked. You were wearing a Detroit Lions jersey and finally, I didn’t mind you staring at me so much. I also appreciate big cats and ruined economies. Next time you’re looking, why don’t you come in? I’ll be waiting. Naked. As usual.”

PORCUPINE MISSED CONNECTIONS

“You were on the Red Line headed to Addison. I was on the platform at Howard. Our quills poked each other and yours were so sharp, they skewered right through my skin. I got stuck to you and as a result, stuck in the doors when they closed on the left. We’re actually still connected – the “missed” part of it is that I missed my train whilst skewered to yours. If you could give me a ride back home, that’d be great.”

“I saw you at the science fair. I was the one in the ‘Will Rock Music Make Your Porcupine Crazy’ booth. You were at the ‘The Right Way to Pet a Porcupine’ display. The sign said to pet you in the direction of your quills. But baby, I want to rub you the wrong way. Reply if you want to get dangerous up in here.”

ONYX MISSED CONNECTIONS

“Oh wait, I’m a kind of rock. I’m on the wrong site.”

BLACK PANTHER MISSED CONNECTIONS

“I was a black panther. You were probably a black panther, but you might have been a cougar or a jaguar. Honestly, I get us confused sometimes. I drive a Prius, by the way.”

“I was a black panther. You were definitely a cougar, or at least you said you were a cougar. But you might have meant that in the new, slangy sort of way, like you were a hip lady cat who likes to bang young man cats. We talked about how offensive that term was – I wasn’t really listening because I was staring at your tips… of your claws. If you want to change the way you think about cougars, you ought to reply to this message. I can change your life.”

“Seriously, does anyone on here know what a panther is? No one? There should be a hybrid website between missed connections and wikipedia so I can look at pictures and say, ‘Yes, yes I am on the right page now.’ Whatever. Who wants to fuck? M2F only, no fat chicks.”

CHICKEN MISSED CONNECTIONS

“I saw you at the Friday social in Henhouse #4. Not the new #4, the old one that’s by #8. It’s a weird system, I know. You had gorgeous plumage, the kind I’d like to pluck before I cook you and eat you for dinner. No, no… that’s a metaphor. I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t really do that! That’d be cannibalism! Ha ha! No… no. I wouldn’t.”

“You: man who told me to ‘bock, bock, bock it up, baby.’ Me: woman who didn’t get your joke. I get it now. Pretty clever. In anticipation of your response, I have eaten several extra pieces of gravel with my feed. You know what that means. No gag reflex.”

“You were ahead of me on a weird, long piece of ground that kept moving towards a great, fiery abyss. It looked like heaven, which is probably why we were both so calm – who couldn’t use a sauna after a hard day’s work of pecking at stuff? You winked at me and then… holy shit, is that a guillotine? Yup, yup, your head just got chopped off. I gotta get out of here. Forget this missed connection, I gotta keep my wits about me, what would Rocky do? WHAT WOULD ROCKY D-”

PENGUIN MISSED CONNECTIONS

“I thought I was looking in a mirror when I saw you. Sleek yellow beak, pristine black feathers with an adorable little white breast feathers area. I don’t know if you saw me – I was towards the back, next to the guy with the sleek yellow beak, pristine black feathers with an adorable little white breast feathers area, but in front of the other guy with the sleek yellow beak, pristine black feathers with an adorable little white breast feathers area. It might be a long shot, but I’d like to warm my lonely nights with you.”

“We locked eyes across the glacier. Even though you were not my husband, I agreed to pass my egg to you so I could go get some food. We were so focused on each other that we ended up letting the egg freeze to death by accident. Please respond before my husband gets back. He’s going to be upset.”

“We shared a sardine platter at the Penguins of the World Conference in Greenland. I was giving you a hard time because I’m the kind of penguin that lives in warm weather, and you totally have to live in Antfartica. I only meant it as an opener to ask you to come on vacation to my tropical isle, but you huffed away before I had a chance to invite you. They don’t call us Jackass Penguins for nothing. The offer still stands if I didn’t blow my load on you. Chance! If I didn’t blow my chance.”

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Animal Kingdom Missed Connections

12 12 2009

Because yesterday I ended up on goldfishconnections.com trying to figure out how Imma get my goldfish fed when I go home for Christmas: Extended Director’s Cut. They claim you only have to feed goldfish every 4 days and they can survive a week without food. I claim that how can you NOT feed those little googly eyes every day? How could you not feed anything every day, except sharks, spiders, and snakes? Whatevs.

The point is, upon speaking with my friend Malcolm, he mentioned that maybe I would meet my husband on that site. I said it’d have to be called goldfishmissedconnections.com for that to happen. He wrote me a goldfish missed connection.

Which made me think about other animals, as per usual.

Goldfish Missed Connections

“I was gold. You were gold. You were swimming around in circles for an hour. I was pretty much following you. We shared a meal and, I think, a moment.”

“You were behind the plastic green tropical plant. I was… man, where was I? You were behind the plastic green tropical plant. I was… man, where was I? You were behind the plastic green tropical plant. I was… man, where was I?”

“I was swimming around, eating some rocks and spitting them out because it turns out they were not good. You were skillfully floating around upside down, sunbathing. I yelled to you to ask you how you were doing that, but I couldn’t hear if you responded. I’m listening now.”

Turtle Missed Connections

“We climbed up on the log at the exact same time, you with your forest-camouflage shell. I lost y- oh no, wait. I can still see you. You haven’t really moved, and neither have I. Hey, I’m Ron. Tina? That’s a pretty name. How big’s my tail? Girl, I don’t know if you can even deal with this biz.”

“You were stuck upside down on your back when some gigantic creature with what can only be described as ‘freckles’ picked you up in  his claws and put you that way, letting out a maniacal and guttural sound. I tried to help you, but I couldn’t get enough momentum to flip you over because I am a turtle and can’t go fast. Sorry.”

Banana Mixed Connections:

“You were a brown beauty. I’m yellow with a little brown spot from where I fell when I was sooooo drunk the other day. If you’re down with the swirl, so am I. See you at breakfast?”

Cat Missed Connections:

“You were asleep. I was asleep. Actually, I didn’t really see you.”

“I laughed when you puked on the floor. But then I saw you digging around in my poop, and I knew it was love. We made eye contact; you hissed and accidentally puked on the floor again. Please, respond if you remember.”

Giraffe Missed Connections:

“You had a long neck. I had a long neck. I thought I was looking in a mirror, but then I realized I was looking at a beautiful angel. You ever think about going pro? With a neck like that, you could be in pictures, baby. I’m an agent, by the way. You’re going to want to respond to this one.”

“I was galloping really weirdly because our bodies are evolutionarily bizarro. You were so small, like a little dwarf giraffe, maybe only six feet high! Like a little baby giraffe. Oh, wait. You were a baby giraffe. Call me in two years.”

“We were nibbling on a tree together over by that one watering hole where Steven got devoured by like, eight lions last week. Our tongues touched by accident. You giraffe blushed. I started to say something, but you galloped away. It wasn’t going to be anything gross. All I was going to say is ‘Man, with tongues this long, it should be called kisssssssssing, am I right?’ I miss you.”

Gorilla Missed Connections:

“You and I were sitting back to back, picking at stuff on our hair. I don’t know if you were, but I was eating all the stuff I was finding. It was really delish, and I’d love to take you out to dinner one day and eat all of the stuff off of my body. Together.”

“I was getting pretty mad and beating my chest because some douche with weak sauce was stepping all up in my territory. You were discovering the basics of language and using your hands to communicate with some hairless gorilla-esque thing. I think your name was Koko. Please, Koko, how do you say ‘I feel a connection’?”

Aaaannddd I could do this all day it turns out. Recurring feature? I’m back to being an animal blog, whoops. And awesome. And mostly whoops.