Slightly Off Terrible First Date Questions

12 02 2010

5 Things You Would Want If Stranded On A Dessert Island:

1. Spork, appropes for both solid and liquid delights.

2. Wet Naps, in case I get sticky.

3. That chocolate syrup that turns into a hard shell when you put it on ice cream, because you can never be too sure if a dessert island is going to include it.

4. Garbage can, for binging and purging.

5. Diabetes kit, for the daily insulin coma I fall into.

***

5 People You Hope to Eat In Heaven (non-sexual, survival purposes only):

1. William Howard Taft, for the sheer girth.

2. Albert Einstein, for the possible brain osmosis.

3. One of those cloned sheep, to see if there was a difference (assuming animal and people go to the same heaven).

4. That kid who got stuck in the chocolate chute during the Willy Wonka factory tour, because he’s prob delish.

5.  Jimi Hendrix, for the contact high without having to travel to Amsterdam heaven.

***

5 People You Hope to Eat in Heaven (purely sexual):

1. Heath Ledger

2. Andrew Jackson

3. Marie Curie

4. C. Thomas Howell (presuming that neither of us will be in heaven for a while, but that when we are both there, this will happen)

5. Watson, but not Crick.

***

5 Ghosts at Your Ideal Dinner Party:

1., 2., 3. The mean ghosts from “Casper” because, like any smart woman, I think that I could change them into better ghosts. They eat food they can’t digest and shit it all over the floor because they love me, that’s all.

4. Bruce Willis in “The Sixth Sense”, moments before he realizes he’s a ghost, so I can have the pleasure of observing the impending awkward silence and then be like, “More wine?”

5. Ghost of Christmas Present. That guy knows how to party, am I right?!

***

5 Mitch Alboms You Couldn’t Live Without:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.





Weird Things I’ve Learned at Work Recently

7 12 2009

For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been doing research on celebrities (“work” is probably the most appropriate name for what I’m doing. Quotes included.) As such, I have collected a ton of totally random information about celebrities that I wish I could shake out of my head, but just can’t. In fact, these random facts are about the only thing I’m capable of remembering. Four years of college erased in several weeks of working.

1. First of all, the website www.celebheights.com exists and it’s exactly what it sounds like. And it’s not even definitive celeb heights – it is a database of what people THINK are the heights of celebrities past and present. Delightful.

2. David Bowie got punched in the face as a kid, which threw off his depth-perception for life. It’s also the reason why one of his eyes appears to be a different color than the other.

3. Ralph Fiennes is the 8th cousin of Prince Charles and, more importantly, is good friends with Jay-Z.

4. A kid from the last Harry Potter movie was murdered outside a bar? Uh… what?

5. Grace Slick was the first person to say the word “motherfucker” on live TV, all the way back in 1969 on the Dick Cavett Show. AKA she is an OG, duh.

6. Dr. Cuddy on House was a famous club kid in NYC in the 80s/possumbly 90s. Was friends with James St. James, was briefly mentioned in “Disco Bloodbath” as Lisa E., and was called one of the original ‘celebutantes’ by NYT. Now all she does is yell at House and not love him like she should.

7. Viggo Mortensen is an accomplished painter/poet/author. Go figs.

8. Gene Hackman has officially retired from acting. No word on coming out of retirement, as most famous people are wont to do.

9. Johnny Depp owns his own vineyard/winery/island. Though the vineyard/winery are not on the island.

10. All of the members of Kiss released solo albums on the same day in 1978, which counted as half an album each of their 5 album deal. Huge pre-orders followed by equally huge attempts to send them back. Ouch, Kiss.

Feeling enlightened? Me too.





Lady Gaga can read your thoughts

24 11 2009

…like, months before you have them.

Friends, I stand mistaken. Rather – I stand with some proof that most people would take as proof, but I’m going to take as evidence I can spin to still fit my conspiratorial theories. Mere days after first hypothesizing that perhaps Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson were the same person, I came across a remix of “Love Game” by Mr. Manson himself. Hypothetically, obvs.

Granted, this is not the official video, but worst case scenario, Gaga and Manson at least shook hands in the making of this song.

Also, this picture exists of them together:

Not incontrovertible, let's be real.

This all apparently happened in June-ish. To be fair, I don’t think anyone was really aware of how much Gaga was going to blow up in June. I mean, she was on Gossip Girl last week, guys. Girl’s gone wild!

So, for all intents and purposes, Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson are probably not the same person. Unless…

1. One of the above people is a stunt double. I hear that’s huge in the music biz.

2. That is not Marilyn Manson, but Pete Wentz.

3. That is not Lady Gaga, but Amy Winehouse.

4. Identical twins.

5. String theory.

BAM.





Is Lady Gaga actually Marilyn Manson?

17 11 2009

An ill-researched comparison.

I have been introduced to the Lady Gaga “Bad Romance” video and my first instinct was, as it is with most things Gaga related – this is TERRIFYING.

And then I felt something deeper, something… familiar in weirdo dinosaur dance moves and big huge eyeballs (even more familiar than those weird shoe ads in Cosmo that have been big eye terrifying for years).

I realized it was the same feeling I used to get watching Marilyn Manson videos – the intrigue, the “I can’t tear my eyes away because if I do, Marilyn Manson may or may not jump through my TV and tear my eyes away for me.” The WTF moment before I knew what WTF moments were.

Observe (if you dare):

Now, not the greatest comparison, but I am too scared to look for anything else Marilyn Manson related right now – it’s dark out. But, my preliminary instincts are that Lady Gaga IS Marilyn Manson.

1. Has anyone seen Marilyn Manson recently? More importantly, has anyone ever seen Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson in the same place? Any TV sitcom enthusiast worth their weight in laugh tracks will tell you that two people who are actually the same person can’t be in the same room at the same time! It’s SCIENCE.

2. It is not easy to duplicate that glow in the dark tan – believe me, us nearbinos stick together, and it takes some real work to not go outside ever and still have the kind of exposure experienced by Manson in the 90s and Gaga in the now’s.

3. These videos are vaguely similar. Maybe not perfect duplicates, but don’t you think your musical stylings/visual instincts would change a little bit over the course of 10 – 15 years? The catchy drum beat, the kabillion costume changes, the running motif of metal in or around the mouth. It’s all there.

4. Look at that bone structure! Marilyn Manson used to heart dressing up in lady parts, and Lady Gaga is developing a strong interest in both flames and catsuits. Coincidence? Doubt it.

Q.E.D.

Lady Gaga = Marilyn Manson





I don’t think I’m that old

14 09 2009

Recently, I was watching the VMAs. Recently being about 3 minutes ago, when I stopped watching them to flip between “Catch Me If You Can” and “300”, both of which I have seen several times and would rather be watching.

I watched these VMAs for a total of about 18 minutes, give or take a few minutes when I did some Twitter and YouTube research to find out why Kanye West’s name was being booed. Which took about a minute – that long because Viacom was fairly quick to remove any and all evidence of this occurrence. But not quick enough to realize that most of America is not quick enough to spell Kanye correctly, meaning that many results still come up for Kayne West + Taylor Swift on the ol’ Y-Tube.

In these 18 minutes, I deduced the following: I am not old enough for MTV to make me feel this old. In fact, I am what used to be the target audience (23 years young. 15 years young if you only look at my face and listen to my voice and flip through my diary). Doubly in fact, I am still their target audience – I enjoy about 65% of their programming, mostly the shows that are one hour in length as opposed to one half hour. Triply in fact, I used to work at MTV Networks, and still enjoy bragging about it and reaping the street cred it gives me among my SAT classes (until it is almost always followed by “You used to work at MTV? And now you teach SATs? LIFE IS NOT JUST FUN AND GAMES, KIDS. But for those oh so precious moments, I am their queen.)

The point is, I like MTV and MTV likes me. But I do not like these VMAs.

I have never liked the VMAs as much as the MTV Movie Awards, which I don’t even like very much. Maybe because I don’t really like music as much as I like movies. But as MTV moves further and further away from music (were you aware of it? I’m pretty sure no one has ever mentioned this fact before) the VMAs are becoming more and more obscure. I would venture to say that a good amount of these videos have never been shown on MTV, maybe at most as a 15 second interstitial between “Daddy’s Girls” and “Fantasy Factory.” I can only assume that the people watching this program have heard about this music elsewhere. I know I have. This Beyonce video? SNL. Lady Gaga? Bars. Drake? Degrassi (if I had known that America was going to take you kind of seriously, Jimmy, I would have made more of an effort to talk to you when I was on that commercial set. Forgive me for assuming it wouldn’t happen. Also, congrats on getting out of that wheelchair. You look brand new!)

Some thoughts:

1. Is Tracy Morgan actively trying to make people forget that he is not actually Tracy Jordan? Does Tracy Morgan exist anymore? Because I really enjoy the fact that he doesn’t and if I could live in my make believe world all the time, I would totally do it too. “Stop eating people’s old French fries, pigeon; have some self respect! Don’t you know you can fly?”

2. Why does anyone like Eminem? I don’t think I have ever seen him smile and even the most hard hearted rappers smile sometimes. If you can’t smile about being a rapper, I don’t trust you as a rapper. Also, he is gross and his songs are not interesting and his voice is like the magnified sound of ice cubes expanding in a glass of warm water, except less picturesque. Parody videos went out with jelly sandals and AOL email addresses. Although I haven’t seen a music video in months, so maybe it is actually really in and Eminem is cutting edge. Oh no… no, that’s not it.

3. I have never really liked Kanye West because he is totally a reverse racist, but white people are too scared that he will find a way to break into their homes to call him out on it. And I don’t really know anything about Taylor Swift except that she is kind of adorable. Basically, I have no real stake in either party musically. But in a non-musical sense, taking the mic from her to say that her competition made one of the best videos ever is the equivalent of Kanye jumping up to the front of the class while Taylor’s trying to make a PowerPoint presentation to say that Beyonce’s solar system diorama was cooler and less boring, if not more accurate. Kanye is 32. Taylor Swift is 19. When you think about it not as celebrity vs. celebrity, but adult vs. kid (generally), it becomes not just rude but vaguely creepy. But I expect that many people are now working on a Taylor Swift/Kanye Mash-Up, so maybe it was all a publicity stunt after all.

4. Was that Jamie Lynn Sigler introducing some category with Diddy? Has she done anything since The Sopranos? WHY IS SHE HERE AND RELEVANT ENOUGH TO PRESENT? Unless it was not her. In which case I have no idea who it was. Which makes me feel old.

5. Muse has got to be resentful of the fact that Twilight is getting them so much play right now. At least, I hope they resent it. Their performance was touted as “the performance everyone will be talking about tomorrow”, despite being a band since 1994 and existing in what I presumed to be the general music sphere for at least 5 of those years. I mean, if I know who Muse is, and I have barely changed my musical tastes since the 7th grade, it’s kind of bizarre that people who are currently in 7th grade are thinking that they have just found this hot new vampirey band. Because I can’t listen to their music now without thinking about vampires and having sex with vampires and getting married so that I can have vampire incubuses break through my womb and kill me and this is suddenly revealing that I read all of the Twilight books but no judgment, no judgment.

But what am I saying? This all depends on the VMAs themselves being culturally relevant. Which Twitter tells me it is, but Twitter also sometimes tells me that things like moonfruit are culturally relevant, so who knows?

——

What did the snotty rapper name his clothing line?

KANYE VESTS

Honorable Mentions: Cane-ye West: A Line for Catholic School Disciplinarians of the West Coast, Kanye Dress, KanYAY! Pom Pom Emporium.