On Gay Marriage.

8 01 2010


There are many political issues that I have no trouble seeing the other side of.

Abortion? Got it. Some people think a glob of cells is a person. Some do not.

Death Penalty? Sure. Some people think that death is a worse (better?) punishment than sitting in a cell for the rest of your life. Some do not.

Gun control? Okay, fine. Some people think that letting anyone who wants a gun have a gun is great and not at all problematic. Some do not.

But I have a really tough time wrapping my head around the other side of gay marriage. The closest I can understand is that some people just don’t want gay people to use the word “marriage”, as “marriage”, the word, should signify a church wedding. Which, semantically, I guess so. But they’re just going to call themselves married anyway, so who cares? I don’t envision people going around being like Hi, I’m Sarah and I’m civil-unioned to Edith. This is my civil-unioned life partner, Edith.

The argument I’ve most heard and that I most like is that a gay marriage is in no way going to affect your day. If you don’t know anyone who’s gay now, then you will probably continue to not know anyone who is gay after gay marriage is legal and thus, will have no problem just not knowing anyone who is gay married. If you do know gay people now, you probably heart them and would like to see them able to get the same tax benefits as anyone else you know. You know, like a person.

Having spent good amounts of time with gays, in gay clubs, watching gay people on TV – being gay should just be NBD. Plus, think about all of the great ways gay marriage will affect your life. I’m looking right at you, fellow 20somethings, who are going to have to start going to a lot of weddings (so I hear. Invite me please. I didn’t even throw up at the last wedding I attended!)

1. GAY WEDDING RECEPTIONS. Are you kidding me? This is my dream come true. Lady Gaga abounds. Cocktails. Tasteful decorations. If it’s anything like Boystown in Chicago, a lot of shirts are removed by a lot of people, and sometimes a drag queen will tell you you have great boobs and feel you up. And maybe, just maybe, if it is a cash bar, someone might ask you if you are gay and you can say “I don’t know” and then BAM! Free drinks all night. I’m not saying I know, I’m just saying. I know.

2. GIFTS FROM YOUR GAY MARRIED FRIENDS. Are going to be so much classier and thoughtful than gifts you get from your husband-and-wife crowd. Because in the husband-and-wife crowd, you know the wife is the only one thinking about said gift, and the husband may or may not sign the card. Husband-and-husband and wife-and-wife crowd? Both minds will be in on your gift, and you will get double thoughtfulness. And even if it is a terrible gift, it will be from the double heart, and that’s okay.

3. GAY WEDDING ANNIVERSARY PARTIES. Pretty much the same as #1. You know these folks are going to actually appreciate being married since they are ridiculously having to fight for that right, so duh. Yearly anniversary parties. No questions asked.

4. DIVORCE RATES DOWN. At least for a while. I figure that once gay marriage is legal, there will be an influx of marriages across the nation. And they can’t all get divorced at the same time. And I assume couples that have been together for years and years already will probably not get divorced. So, with a ton of extra marriages one year and then even the same yearly amount of divorces that we have now, all of a sudden, divorce rate drops from like, 50% to more like 45% and America can stop looking like such marriage idiots to the rest of the world. Will probably stay low too until gay people realize that marriage is not all it’s cracked up to be in 5 or 10 years, and then we will continue to look like marriage idiots again.

5. CASH MONEY BLING BLING. Correct me if I’m wrong, but we are in mondo debt right now. And people intending to get married have to pay for a marriage license from some sort of governmental body, no? This is like turning down free money. Why be cash chuckers when we can just increase the amount of people eligible to pay for things? Blah blah blah economics.

Just let my friends get married. Geez.

Corollary, whether or not I get married before gay marriage is legal (probably not, let’s be real), I am definitely having a Gay Marriage themed wedding. Reception at Hydrate because it’s open until 4 am like any respectable establishment should be (please, LA bars, take note. No one wants to go home at 1:30 AM.)

Double corollary, this outrage all stems from my own home state of New Jersey nixing a gay marriage bill. And you know what kills me? Is that a bunch of Democrats – alleged Democrats – abstained from the vote. If it had lost by even more because everyone voted, fine, that’s politics. But to have such an important vote and not even vote on it? You’re a jerk. And now Chris Christie is taking over and has already promised to veto any bill on gay marriage. The man so nice they named him twice. Insert your own girth joke here.

And during the same season that we were given “Jersey Shore.” The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away I suppose.