Jersey Shore Migrates South for the Winter

14 04 2010

Or summer. Or whatever.

I, like everyone else on the internet, feel I need to share my two cents about the recent decision to move the next season of Jersey Shore to – gasp – NOT the Jersey Shore. And THEN the decision to announce that don’t worry, actually, Jersey Shore will take place mostly at – gasp – YES the Jersey Shore.

Because no one digs a little not-really-suspense more than MTV.

You can read the full story here – and by full story, I mean it will take you a full 30 seconds to understand the situation. See what I did there?

Let’s discuss how this decision will affect our lives:

1. The cast will include the entire cast, including Angelina!

Pro: It was discovered on the reunion special that Angelina may or may not (hint: yes) have some sexual history with one The Situation. Will this play out on the show? Will The Situation realize that he’s almost 30 and should probably start dating a woman who, though she is not interesting, at least has the least aurally offensive name of all the gal’s on the show?

Con: There are no second chances at the Jersey Shore, let’s be real. Except for Snooki. And Ronnie. And everyone at the Jersey Shore because if you black out every night, every night is a do-over!

2. They will be starting the season in South Beach.

Pro: There are probably more exotic forms of STDs to be found in Florida.

Con: I think that’s how the Native Americans died.

3. They’ll be coming back to Sleazeside!

Pro: In all seriousness, this will probably be really good for NJ tourism.

Con: It will mostly attract the kinds of creatures that many often take vacations to get away from.

Pro: At least all of the be-gelled juiceheads will be at Sleazeside, trying to catch a glimpse of these warlocks.

Con: How will the rest of NJ shore-goers entertain themselves with no be-gelled juiceheads to giggle at?

4. The article mentions a Jersey Shore casting website, started “in case the show decides to explore the option of adding new castmembers to the second season.”

Pro: A dream come true for anyone who watched Jersey Shore and thought to themselves, “I’m tan enough, I’m drunk enough, and gosh darnit, people like me! Or at least they say they like me to my face but still have not introduced me to anyone in their social group, for fear of judgment.”

Con: I am too pale to have a chance at landing on this show. Also, an intense fear that The Situation will grasp hold of a friend and when I try to take her away, I will unfortunately be forever known as “The grenade” on national television. And that I will sign a release because I’ll think that this was somehow a flattering way to be presented on national television.

5. We are promised “party-hopping, bass-thumping, emotion-filled escapades.”

Pro: They will have to top last season’s emotion-filled escapades. So I only assume Snooki will get shot in the face, everyone will get arrested, and someone will probably die.

Con: The only con is that the season doesn’t start until late July. What am I supposed to do until then?

All in all, I can’t get enough. I’m glad they won’t be staying in South Beach the entire time, though it would have been interesting to see what might happen to them. Poor Seaside Heights, though. I can’t imagine the residents of this town are excited in any way. Hoping to see some cast members getting egged on the board walk. Then going back to the house, drinking a bottle of vino, and eating a bunch of sausage. Entendre INTENDED.

***

JOKE TIME:

Question: What is another name for the Jersey Shore ladeez?

Answer: JERSEY PROSTITUTES.

Alternatives: Jersey Skanks, Jersey Slooters, Jersey “What-do-you-mean-there-is-a-totally-obvious-joke-here?”s





A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore: Part Five

20 01 2010

Sadly, the favorite part of my week is almost over. Just one sad episode left tomorrow, and then our lives go back to being completely meaningless once again. It’s like Nietsche knew that eventually our society would see this very show, experience The Situation uninviting Sammi to Ravioli Night, the show would end, and then everyone would become totally nihilist. And he knew that something called Facebook would be around, and he would train his supporters to pass down the message that they should make a fan page for him after this happened. And then, everyone who used to be a fan of Jersey Shore would then go on facebook and become a fan of Nihilism and then he could be all like, “Take THAT, God!” and maybe get a ticket out of limbo. But probably not.

Long story short, I’m really going to miss Jersey Shore.

That said, here are some of my favorite Jersey Shore inspired sketches and videos from the past few weeks.

1. SNOOKI READS THE WEATHER

The style. The finesse. Little Schnooks has a bright future in squinting at teleprompters. Someone get this girl to an awards ceremony ASAP (which, corollary, when are the MTV Movie Awards? If anyone wants to lose some money, I’d bet you $1000 the cast gets to introduce a category. Or at the very least, a musical act. At the very VERY least, they’ll be involved in a video.)

Also, love that she basically calls the ladycaster an old bitch, backtracks with the Jersey Shore equivalent of class, and then proves that she doesn’t wear a Bump-It. Oh, Snooki. Whether there’s a Bump-It in there or not is not the problem. It’s the Pouf itself.

Double also, can’t believe that weather man wants to get with Snooki so bad. But in the words of ol’ Snook “I mean, if he came on to me, I wouldn’t tell him to get off.”

2. MICHAEL CERA BECOMES A GUIDO

It’s really hard to tell who has less of an idea who the other person/people is/are: Michael Cera or the cast of Jersey Shore. I guess the cast probably saw Superbad, but something tells me Arrested Development is like, eight steps above their intelligence percentiles.

No matter. Because it’s a collision of two of MY favorite things, and that’s what MTV should revolve around anyway – Sarah Hayden’s interests. Michael Cera trying to beat the shit out of whatever air pinata they fist pump into circa 3:45, and Michael Cera saying, “I can’t remember if I’m a medium Ed Hardy or a small.” One of life’s greatest mysteries, Michael Cera.

3. LITTLE JERSEY SHORE

I can’t figure out how to embed this, just check it out.

I love this. And I love that it may or may not just be a home video from the cast’s childhood and they have secretly known each other for years. Nothing better than adults hitting on children, and then children physically hitting the adults back. “You wanna play trucks?” Hells yeah she does, Pauly D.

4. THE SITUATION NICKNAMES CONAN

Unfortch, this clip does not have The Situation explaining how he got his own nickname (which is basically just him completely misunderstanding his friends, and then just going with it) but you can look that one up yourself. This clip is great for 2 reasons. 1: Snooki has to have a little box for her feet, even when sitting on a couch. 2: Conan’s sheer joy at landing such a nickname. And bonus great thing about this clip: The Situation in a velvet blazer. The fact that it doesn’t look like crushed velvet makes me think it’s actually velour. Which is much more Shore-esque.

5. THE CAST AS POSSIBLE CLASSICALLY TRAINED ACTORS

The only thing better than the cast trying to act like themselves is the cast trying to act like actors acting like themselves. I like to think that everyone is trying to pull off a British accent, but Pauly D is the only one that comes vaguely close. Since he presumably played an orphan of sorts in whatever all-guido elementary school production of Oliver! that he must have participated in to win an accent like that.

6. SNOOKI ON SNL’S WEEKEND UPDATE

I also can’t figure out how to embed this. Internet fail for me today.

This is just a fantastic impression. When things like this happen, I wonder if the people being made fun of see the clip and are either super offended or super into it. In Snooki’s case, I can assume she wants to get Bobby Moynihan drunk and smoosh him for paying any sort of attention to her. Why would anyone call her Garfield? “Because I’m bright orange and I love lasagna.” Also, back abs. Love it.

7. BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE’S JERSEY SHORE AUDITION TAPE

Bobby Bottleservice is a true class act. He loves his mother, and what more can you ask of a man? Additionally, Jersey Shore may have been the best thing to happen to him, since him not being on the show (or real) might be the worst thing to happen to America. Maybe season 2. Good work, Nick Kroll. A big step up from the Geico cavemen. Who, coincidentally, would probably also get along really well being on Jersey Shore?

If I keep looking for my favorite videos, I’m never going to get anything done for the rest of my life. Know that they exist. Just know

Next week: We say goodbye to Jersey Shore. Until next season, duh.





A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore, Part 4

10 01 2010

FACE PUNCH.

Where to begin.

As a lady who has been punched in the face by both a dude and a lady (by choice, no worries here) and as a lady who has been punched in the face AND had it videotaped (also by choice, no worries again. Long story. I almost got kicked out of my dorm because apparently, asking someone to punch you in the face so you can see what a black eye is like is frowned upon at NU. Who knew? Everyone) I can’t understand why MTV would black out this punch during the actual episode.

1. You already showed it in all of the previews. It’s not like anyone interested in Jersey Shore has not already seen it.

2. The news went ahead and showed it like, six billion times. So it’s not like anyone interested in the news has not already seen it.

3. You show dudes getting punched in the face by dudes CONSTANTLY.

4. You showed Snooki get punched in the face (slapped/hit/maybe not totally punched) by a girl two episodes later.

5. You have shown way more effed up biz than Snooki getting Snooki’d. Um, Jackass, anyone? A lot of episodes of True Life, anyone? Tom Green’s testicular surgery, anyone?

So seriously, the only reason to black it out is to annoy me.

I’m no feminist, but I think showing boys hit boys, girls hit girls, girls hit boys, and NOT show boys hit girls is vaguely misogynistic. Maybe. Not totally sure. Either way, to put in a disclaimer about domestic abuse against women was a little over the top. I don’t think it really constitutes domestic abuse if they are not in a relationship and it’s just some rando drunkard punching another rando drunkard, boy or girl.

Obvs, poor Snooki. And in no way do I condone what happened. I just think, after having sat through people shooting up and people getting their testicles removed and people paper cutting all of the skin between their digits, I’m ready to watch a girl get sucker punched at the shore.

But besides all that.

HOLY CRAP, WHAT A TAKE DOWN! In a bad way. Snooki, bless her heart, took it like a champ. The chant of “Please don’t let me be missing any teeth” in the bathroom was particularly poignant. Because that would be anyone’s first instinct. Dentists are expensive, friends. And with several missing teeth, she’d probably have to get dentures, which means denture glue, which is sooooo not conducive to finding a hot, juiced up guido husband in Seaside Heights, NJ.

Although, my favorite thing to come out of this is the phrase “to get Snooki’d.” I went back to the ol’ Dirty Jerz for Christmas/New Year’s and found myself in a North Jersey bar. Nowhere near Sleazeside. And yet, these bars always seem to be filled with guidos because there are a lot of you-are-a-total-idiot-if-you-can’t-get-into-this-college colleges in the area, which sort of breeds the type of bar goers who also may be the type of people to own their own tanning beds. I’m not saying the kids on Jersey Shore are dumb. I’m just saying that maybe these colleges were their reach schools.

Every single time I have been to these bars, without fail, there has been a bar fight. You put a lot of people in a small space and put a bunch of made-up slooters in front of a bunch of disgusting, Christiane Audigier worshiping bros, and there’s bound to be some pugilism. Anyway, this particular night, it was probably a week or two after the epic facepunch episode, so Jersey kids were at their peak of national recognition. Some guy starts punching some other guy, and they are swiftly taken away from the bar. All is calm until someone yells out “That dude just got SNOOKI’D!” and then, the dogs were unleashed. Who let the dogs out? That guy, in the back. The entire bar – the ENTIRE bar – starts chanting “Snooki, Snooki, Snooki” as this dude is kicked out of the bar.

Forget The Battle of Morristown. Forget George Washington. Forget Patriot’s Path. This, this moment in the bar, was a true New Jersey historical moment. Someday, there will be statues of dear Snooki erected in our public parks. “Live free or get Snooki’d” they’ll say. The children will read about her on their whatever-will-be-superior-to-the-Kindle-in-2100s. Moms will name their daughters Snooki, only to have them be called “Schnooki” or “Snickers” in school, because no one will care enough about their weird, half oaf/half dwarf faces to actually worry about what their names are in the first place.

And it will be righteous.

For the five of you that maybe haven’t seen this facepunch, a link, which is a delightful music video-esque cut of all of the punches they showed up to and including the Snooki punch. AKA what they would show, and what they deemed too inappropes to show:

Oh, Snooki. We thought this was the end. And yet, you got punched in the face again this week. You, my friend, have a magnet for facepunches.





A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore, Part Three

26 12 2009

The gentlemen, if you can call them that. I prefer “adorable scamps” or “douchebags.”

The boys of the Jersey Shore are interesting because they are portayed as being as dramatic and lame as the girls, if not more so, which is rare for an MTV show. Lest you think them too sensitive though, they bring it back to Shore-goer standards by trying at least five times a night to get girls to come back to the hot tub with them. Corollary: thank you, MTV, for being gracious enough to give these kids a hot tub. What would they do without one?

Now, let’s get right down to it. I am so attracted to all of these “juiced up, muscley Guidos” that I can hardly contain my excitement at describing them to you, dear readers. PSYCH. These men are seriously the kind of men that, were they the last men on Earth, I would either hope for immaculate conception up in that mo or just let the human race die out. And it would be fine, because they would be too busy showing each other their sweet dance moves to try to save the human race anyway.

PAULY D – 28, Johnston, RI

“Pauly D is Rhode Island’s most well known DJ and keeps a tanning bed in his house.” Firstly, Pauly D must be making some sweet cash to afford his own tanning bed (insert own mafia-related joke here, as even I will not stoop.) Secondly, being the most well-known DJ in Rhode Island is like being the best pizza in a room full of anorexics. It’s nice, but… does anyone care? Unfortch, Pauly D is the only guy on this show that has the actual, gelled-up Guido hairstyle that the internet has come to know and love. His hair actually looks like, were you to trip and fall and let Pauly D’s coif break your fall, it would no doubt impale you a la that girl who jumped out her window and landed on a fence post in “The Virgin Suicides.” Also, Pauly D is TWENTY EIGHT YEARS OLD. As in, way too old for this guy to still be down at the shore and trying to have sex with girls while his buddy is also trying to have sex with girls in the same room. The same room. Gross, Pauly D. Also, gross, girls who are obliging him in this practice.

RONNIE – 23, Bronx, NY

“He comes into the house with one rule: Don’t fall in love at the Jersey Shore.” Good rule, Ron Ron. Although I think everyone goes down to the shore with that rule in mind, perhaps amended a little bit to “Don’t get an STD at the Jersey Shore.” I’m pretty sure that’s what you meant, though. I get it. As mentioned in the previous entry, Ronnie invented perhaps the greatest term of American history – “smooshed.” As in, “had sexual intercourse.” He smooshed Sammi. This act of smooshing has put Ronnie in the compromising position of maybe – just maybe – falling in love within the 2 or 3 weeks that they have been at the Jersey Shore so far. Evidenced by the fact that he told Sammi, “I thought this house was the best thing that ever happened to me. But you are.” Romantic? Natch. But if the best thing that has ever happened to Ronnie in 23 years was going on vacation to Sleazeside for  a few weeks to work at a t-shirt shop, but then it turns out that smooshing some girl with the personality of a fairly innocuous toaster is the real best thing that has ever happened to him, perhaps Ronnie falls into the category of people for whom considering ending it all is not necessarily the worst idea.

THE SITUATION – 27, Staten Island, NY

“Mike may have a sensitive side, but he has plenty of game to go with it.” Let the record show that I kind of love The Situation. However, I’m not sure that it can be called a sensitive side if said sensitive side is only used for getting ladies to talk to him and swoon for his abdominal situation. His go-to pick up line is ‘Seriously though, you look really nice today. You really do. You look nice. You do. You really do. Look nice.’ Very sensitive, The Situation. However, despite also being about 5 years too old for his antics, The Situation’s redeeming quality is a relatively biting wit and as much of a way with words as any of these guys could possibly hope for. He is easily the most interesting person on the show, due to his valiant attempts to use the word “situation” as a name, noun, verb, and adjective all in the same sentence and for coming up with the delightfully degrading term ‘the grenade’ for a less-than-desirable lady whom Pauly D politely falls upon so The Situation can hook up with her hotter friend. I predict by the end of the season, The Situation will get himself into a statch rape situation which he will not be able to ugly-face-hot-bod his way out of, wiles and lingo aside. Only then will he truly know what his namesake is.

VINNY – 21, Staten Island, NY

“Having just turned 21, Vinny has been waiting for this summer his whole life and is ready for a wild time with no boundaries.” This sentence shows that Vinny is the only person on the show with an actual reason to both be at the shore and be Shitty City, USA at the shore – the little guy just turned 21! Because his behavior is excusable despite being presumably deplorable, Vinny gets pretty much no camera time. Who wants to see someone young being young? We’d rather see two old guys being young. Thus, the only notent notable about Vinny is that he got pink eye that one time. And that everyone thinks he got pink eye from basically sticking his face in a fat lady’s ass. This sounds like an exaggeration but is not. Maybe Vinny will become important later on. My instinct is that, unless he falls from a great height into a roommate’s vagina, he will not. And that might be your greatest blessing, dear Vinny. Be free! Stay irrelevant and live your life as it was meant to be lived – respecting your mother and being a harmless stereotype!

It will be interesting to see what these douchers think about Snooki getting punched in the face and I look forward to the next episode for this reason and more. There are more parts of this series to come, namely: the punch, “interesting” other articles of both praise and prudence for Jersey Shore, the t-shirt guy, and perhaps a liveblog or three? If given the opportunity to be by myself in the house in the next few days, I may even go back and re-watch the other episodes of Jersey Shore and write down some thoughts scene by scene. This is how much I am fascinated by this show/devoid of emotional depth. However, since my family is awfully judgmental of my awful taste in television, I will probably be unable to do so without facing more ridicule.





A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore, Part Two

23 12 2009

The characters.

Oh, the characters. What’s not to love? I can’t decide what is the best way to enjoy these people: to forget that they are  real and just think of them as a kooky writer’s creation OR to remember that these are real people. That people literally exist who think that Elvira hair + a Bump-it + fake ‘n bake = a hot piece, not a hot mess.

Being from the green zone, I have the pleasure of not knowing anyone like this. Have I seen them before? God yes, as I have been to several less-than-desirable locales, Long Island among them (though it’s not as bad as Staten Island, trust.) I even saw people having their wedding reception on the boardwalk two summers ago. And by “wedding reception”, I mean “groom was wearing his best white FUBU sweat-outfit, bride was wearing a white tube dress + bobby-pinned tulle in her hair, their kids were in a red wagon being pulled behind them.” Romance was in the air, y’all. Fairly sure there was ice cream involved.

IRREGARDLESS (which you would say if you were actually from Sleazeside, fyi) – let’s do a quick breakdown on the wonderful people we have met thus far on Jersey Shore, based on their champ bios on MTV.com. Let’s start with the ladies:

ANGELINA – 22, Staten Island.

“She always has something to say and doesn’t care what anyone else thinks.” People who claim that they don’t care what anyone else thinks are my least favorite people, whether they are on a gross, gross television show or in real life. Particularly people who pose like this lady over here. And particularly ladies who, though her life on Jersey Shore was short-lived, spend all of their time cock-blocking people for no reason. Why, why cock-block your roommates, B? Because she is j-jealz that other people can get action and she cannot. Particularly because her “boyfriend” is married? Has she never seen a television or movie in the last 20 years of her life where the phrase “He’s never gonna leave her” is uttered? At least the rest of the people on this show are entertaining trash. Angelina is like the RA on the first floor that sometimes comes up to your floor just because she can and writes you up for a noise violation at 8 pm on a Sunday. AKA a big jerk. As much as she sucks, I’ll give her credit for producing my favorite line from the show so far: “I’m a bartender. I do great things.” Which was in reference to why hocking t-shirts was beneath her. Okay, dummy.

J-WOWW – 23, Franklin Square, NY

“Impulsive and spontaneous, Jenni is a party girl with zero self control.” Umm… this is kind of the meanest bio I have ever read, MTV. Did J-WOWW approve this? J-WOWW, you should probably get on that. As if they weren’t openly mocking you on television, they are now internet openly mocking you. Yeesh. Although, speaking of internet, J-WOWW has the greatest personal website and guess what – they’re hiring! So not only can you get signed posters on jwoww.com, but you can “get paid to party” if you look at the bottom of the second poster on this page. J-WOWW’s sidekick? Is that one of the “all positions open”? She’s kind of the best, let’s be real. Thinking about asking my hairdresser to make my hair look disgusting and then going up to a homeless man and asking him to rip all of my clothes apart because what am I going to do with a whole shirt? And then when the homeless man asks to keep the scraps, I’m going to be all like, “WWJWOWWD?” and take them back.

SAMMI – 22, Hazlet, NJ

“Her friends call her a sweetheart, but when it comes to guys she is a heartbreaker.” I’m not really sure I’ve heard anyone call this lady ‘Sweetheart’ since the first episode when someone called her Sweetheart before they even knew what her name was. Full disclosure – my mom is from Hazlet too. I spent many a day in Hazlet as a child. And I still find Sammi as boring as everything people usually think is boring. Poor The Situation, wasting his sweet, sweet, lady-getting talents on this lame-o. Congrats to her for the privilege of smooshing Ronnie. She alternately looks really skinny or vaguely chubby, it’s hard to put my finger on. Full disclosure – my fingers are usually covered in foodstuffs, so really, I should not be passing judgments. Also, did anyone notice when she was going to go mini-golfing with Ronnie and she was basically deciding between one purse, or putting that purse inside of another purse? My inkling is that this lady’s lightbulb is a little loose. And, having done well on my SAT’s, I feel comfortable making fun of her for that.

SNOOKI – 21, Marlboro, NY

“Her height has been as much of a strength as it has been an obstacle, and it will color her summer at the Shore in a big way.” Dear, sweet, innocent Snooki. You also have a totally weird bio. How is your height going to color your summer? Pretty sure your alcoholism, low self-esteem, and misunderstanding of why people are watching you eat pickles is probably going to color your summer instead. I’m not convinced that this girl knows what feminism is, but to say that she is pretty much the exact opposite of a feminist is only a vague exaggeration. My favorite example being when she started to eat her friends face like they were trapped in a space vacuum and sucking all of the remaining air out of her friend was the only way she was going to survive. Afterwards, she interviews that “that’s why girls kiss girls, to impress dudes.” Exactly, Snooki. Exactly. I hope this girl is aware that her stature qualifies her for handicap parking, which would really benefit everyone in the house. Also, never in my life have I seen hair like that. And never before have I wished that this would have come out prior to Halloween so I could have been her. Missed opportunity, MTV.

Next segment: The Boys. After that: SO MANY OTHER JERSEY SHORE THOUGHTS. Turns out I could probably write a paper on these kids. Will include: thoughts on the punch. Maybe I’ll liveblog the next episode. Though, sadly, Christmas is postponing it for this week. How can the Italians be so mad? At least MTV is celebrating Christmas like they would’ve wanted!





A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore, Part One

20 12 2009

Being from New Jersey, born and raised, I have the distinct pleasure of watching Jersey Shore from a perch of experience.

That’s right. I’m not only from New Jersey, I have gone down to the shore for most of the summers of my life. I’ve gone to many different parts of the shore – possibly even Seaside Heights (which is where the Jersey Shore people are and which, if you are a respectable shore-goer, you call Sleazeside Heights) – but mostly, I go way down the shore. Far enough down where you get away from the New York trash on the show. Unfortch, you start running into the Philly trash when you get far enough down, so really, there is no escape from outsiders invading our semi-fine beaches.

Let’s take a quick moment to map it up and see just what’s going on here. Geography up in this mo.

Break it down y'all.

Your “Jersey Shore” key:

Red dots – where these Jersey Shore kids are from. Please note – ONLY ONE is actually in NJ. There’s a big cluster where 3 different people are from Staten Island.

Red X – Seaside Heights

Yellow zone – Safe zone. This is North Jersey proper, aka a good place to be from. Above the blue line is too north. This is the boonies. This is where Weird, NJ type things happen. Below the line is too south. This is where most if not all of the Jersey stereotypes come from – accents, big hair, Bruce. You want to be in the yellow.

Green zone – The ideal sector of the Safe Zone. The pinnacle of Jersey balance. You live in NJ, but not near anything scary, you have enough highways to get to the mall, but you also have trees. Lots of trees. If you need to move to NJ, you need to move in here.

Green line – The part of the shore that it is acceptable to go to. Long Beach Island and south. If Seaside Heights did not exist, keep in mind that these people would end up in LBI, so you will probably want to venture even further south if you can. Remember: the further the drive, the further from New York you are.

Is this stuck up? You betcha. But you know what? For all of the crap New Jersey gets every day of the week, especially now that Jersey Shore is on and not enough people are fully aware of how Not Jersey it is, I think I am allowed to distance myself enough from these people to be stuck up about it. Green Zone, baby. Green Zone.

To Be Continued.





I know how you guys are getting here…

8 12 2009

… and I like it.

My favorite thing about WordPress is that they tell you the search engine terms that lead people to your website. First of all, genius. Second of all, hilarious. Most importantly, ridiculous.

Here’s a breakdown of how, exactly, my dear readers have been getting to me in recent days:

1. Searches for “Lady Gaga Marilyn Manson same person” or something along those very specific lines have netted a total of 24 visitors. Twenty four! So not only was this not as original of a thought as I previously expected (if you had been inside of my mind the first time I thought it whilst at a random party, you too would have thought I was geenz) but it is apparently not as far-fetched as expected either. We all kind of think Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson are the same person. I’d put a good three dollars on at least one of those visits being from Lady Gaga and/or Marilyn Manson. And three dollars to me is like, six million dollars to real people.

2. Searches for things involving the words “upside down” have netted 3 visitors. And not just any old search for “upside down”, but the following, very specific “upside down” things:

  • “Upside Down Puke”
  • “Upside Down Aquarium Secret”
  • “Why Can’t Humans Survive Upside Down?”

I’d really like to search these myself, because why can’t humans survive upside down? Or can they? I hope so. More specifically, I hope it’s a super rare chromosomal abnormality that makes it so certain humans can survive upside down, and these humans are going to do well for themselves when the gravity on Earth goes laffy taffy and people will literally have to survive upside down. Or in the future when people fall out of their spaceship cars and have to survive upside down until the spaceship tow truck comes along and with all the traffic that’s going to be up there, geez, it could take a while.

Also upside down aquarium secret? I’ll assume this is from some sort of video game. Otherwise my goldfish has some explaining to do.

3. Three separate searches for the Half Ton Teen or the 650 Pound Virgin have led here. I remember mentioning these guys several times on Twitter, and so I can only assume my interest in TLC shows has wound up on this blog through osmosis. Also, having a tag called “obpleasity” was probably a big help. But yes, these ones made me particularly happy about the internet.

4. Two each for Tom Arnold and Viggo Mortensen. Now if only Tom Arnold and Viggo Mortensen would respond to my dinner party invitations, we might all have something to talk about. Besides “Carpool”, obvs.

5. Random faves: “catsuits”, “puke nauseous”, and “quite possumbly.” Because what is a blog without a good mention of skin-tight pleather, throwing up on many many (god, so many, I’m sorry) many occasions, and the punchline of a joke that is only slightly decent? Nothing, that’s what.

The statistical analysis part of my brain has convinced the other, more worldly parts of my brain that all of these random searches must mean I am really accomplishing my original goal: write some totally random stuff, have no specific theme at all, and someday, totally random people will find you in really weirdo ways. Although the statistical analysis part of my brain only got a 4 on the AP Statistics test, so it could be a whole point off of what it really means.

But that’s okay.

—— JOKE ALERT ——-

QUESTION: What is an Alaskan’s favorite porno?

ANSWER: Up the Asskimo.

ALTERNATIVES: Glacial Facials, The In-yo-tits (like the Inuits), Polar Opposites (also possibly a RomCom or buddy cop film, but in this case, a mixed race porno), Teabaggin’ (because who doesn’t love riding toboggans?)





Weird Things I’ve Learned at Work Recently

7 12 2009

For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been doing research on celebrities (“work” is probably the most appropriate name for what I’m doing. Quotes included.) As such, I have collected a ton of totally random information about celebrities that I wish I could shake out of my head, but just can’t. In fact, these random facts are about the only thing I’m capable of remembering. Four years of college erased in several weeks of working.

1. First of all, the website www.celebheights.com exists and it’s exactly what it sounds like. And it’s not even definitive celeb heights – it is a database of what people THINK are the heights of celebrities past and present. Delightful.

2. David Bowie got punched in the face as a kid, which threw off his depth-perception for life. It’s also the reason why one of his eyes appears to be a different color than the other.

3. Ralph Fiennes is the 8th cousin of Prince Charles and, more importantly, is good friends with Jay-Z.

4. A kid from the last Harry Potter movie was murdered outside a bar? Uh… what?

5. Grace Slick was the first person to say the word “motherfucker” on live TV, all the way back in 1969 on the Dick Cavett Show. AKA she is an OG, duh.

6. Dr. Cuddy on House was a famous club kid in NYC in the 80s/possumbly 90s. Was friends with James St. James, was briefly mentioned in “Disco Bloodbath” as Lisa E., and was called one of the original ‘celebutantes’ by NYT. Now all she does is yell at House and not love him like she should.

7. Viggo Mortensen is an accomplished painter/poet/author. Go figs.

8. Gene Hackman has officially retired from acting. No word on coming out of retirement, as most famous people are wont to do.

9. Johnny Depp owns his own vineyard/winery/island. Though the vineyard/winery are not on the island.

10. All of the members of Kiss released solo albums on the same day in 1978, which counted as half an album each of their 5 album deal. Huge pre-orders followed by equally huge attempts to send them back. Ouch, Kiss.

Feeling enlightened? Me too.





That’ll do, Glee.

30 09 2009

Glee is a phenomenon. Much like the plot of the show itself where the whole future of the glee club depends on making people think glee club is cool even though, by definition, it is not, the marketing campaign for Glee seems to be to convince everyone in the world that everyone in the world thinks it’s the coolest thing ever even though, by definition, it is not.

And it’s working.

I like Glee, don’t get me wrong. In a way that many hipsters are familiar with, the more I hear about everyone else liking Glee, the less I like it, unfortunately. And I am definitely no hipster. But I do still like it. Maybe when I first saw it I thought oh, there’s no way everyone in the world will look past all of these clear, character development problems. I’ll look past them, obvs, but not everyone in the world. Glee will get pretty good ratings and pretty good reviews, but everyone will have a problem with the characters, which will probably get improved in the second season, but maybe they won’t. But now, four episodes in, it seems like there are some serious problems with this show that no one seems to have a problem with. I blame it mostly on Twitter, where reading tweets from the Trending Topics section is basically like pouring malt liquor into your cranium – by reading what people write on Twitter, you’d think that no one had ever seen ANY television show before.

Glee is good, but it is not great. And I refuse to believe that I am the only one seeing these problems. I gave it a big ol’ chance and – I repeat – I do enjoy watching this show, but I cannot suspend my disbelief about the following things anymore:

1. That anyone would believe Kurt is straight. This is high school, y’all. There’s no chance in hell that someone who wears leather boots and knee-length cable-knit goes through the day to day without everyone in that school questioning  his sexuality. I would’ve allowed that his dad didn’t know (although, he did, which, props to him) but come on. Mercedes thinks he has a crush on her and wants to date him? Girl, get over it.

2. That a teacher-formed a cappella group would not be laughed off stage. Firstly, I don’t think there would be 5 gentlemen teachers in my high school that would’ve been able to form a functional a cappella. Secondly, if they did, everyone would be there to laugh at them, not WITH them.

3. That these student-teacher relationships are appropriate. Or really, student-everyone relationships. That Finn tells his Spanish teacher that his girlfriend is pregnant? Great. But I’m pretty sure teachers have an obligation to tell someone when there is a question of safety involved (aka, this baby’s safety) or at the very least, try and figure it out a little bit further instead of literally whispering about the situation in front of the whole glee club. He also had students over to his house to practice for Acafellas. Creepy. Inappropes. Then he tells his wife about it and she seeks out Quinn and shows up in her car and Quinn is barely – BARELY – creeped out? Come on.

4. That a man accused of sexually molesting someone would be allowed back into a high school – EVEN if the principal were trying to protect his own reputation. THERE IS NO CHANCE. Once this happened, I kind of stopped believing this show. That is a super serious accusation. Even if unfounded, he wouldn’t be let back in without a lawsuit. It happened on Degrassi. Snake couldn’t come back until he was cleared, fact. And since Degrassi is the most realistic show that I have ever seen in my life, sometimes more realistic than REALITY, than it stands to reason that this should not be happening on Glee.

5. That any school would allow a washed-up, boozed-out adult back into their school. They have the GED for a reason – so that gross, disgusting, hookers who are squatting in houses around town don’t actually come back into schools and interact with students. College, maybe. But not high school. I’m pretty sure our high school wouldn’t let anyone older than 19 be at school with children. Children. For plot? Fine. For life? Get out of my face.

I know that Glee is a subversion of real high school and it’s a satire and all kinds of five-dollar film analysis words. But if it’s going to be crazy, it needs to be totally crazy; having a couple of plot points that make literally no sense doesn’t work when the rest of the plot is supposed to be realistic. Go whole hog, or don’t. Your choice. I also understand that some of the insanity is what makes the show fun. But sometimes, all I can think about is how gross whatever is happening is. I mean, I don’t really want to get skeeved out by this show.

I’m hoping they’ll pull it together, either by becoming more believable, or by going off the deep end completely (because I fully believe this crazy bitch wife might nab a child in the finale). But as is, if they want to be more than just a cultural phenomenon for the huddled masses who also, by the way, like to tweet about misspelled things and whether Brazil loves Demi Levato or not, they need to pay attention to basic, character and plot construction.

Basically, tonight’s episode made me realize I have a lot of problems with Glee. And I don’t understand why more people don’t.





Top Ten Most Ridiculous Movies in my Possession

27 09 2009

Since I don’t want to do anything that I need to do to pack, I did the least important task first because it was going to be the most fun task.

Task: Organize all of the movies I own into two binders. No specific order. All labeled. It was quite a feat.

Realization: I have one of the most ridiculous collections of movies that has ever existed. The only saving grace is that most of the movies were free, a by-product of working on the last day that Village Video was in business. But seriously. I should be embarrassed.

The Most Ridiculous Movies in My Possession:

10. All You’ve Got – MTV made-for-tv movie about high school volleyball. Starring Ciara and Adrienne Bailon, so you know it’s a winner. Acquired for free.

9. 4 discs of episodes of Little Men – A Canadian show based on Louisa May Alcott’s sequel to Little Women. Acquired after a night of heavy drinking from Amazon.

8. Relative Evil – This movie is apparently so bad that it is listed as “Ball in the House” on IMDB, which I assume is some sort of working title/alternative title/who-gives-a-fuck title. Not entirely sure what it’s about. There seems to be drugs involved. Acquired for free.

7. Confessions of a Sociopathic Social Climber – This may be a Lifetime movie. I at least saw it for the first time on Lifetime. Jennifer Love Hewitt, doing it up as a total prostie bitch. The best part of this movie is the recommendations IMDB claims you will enjoy if you like this movie: Anchorman (what?), City of Shoulders and Noses (which, you may also like if you enjoy my movie, Slit and Commit, apparently), and Orgazmo (double what?). Basically, IMDB is saying that if you like this movie, it’s possible that you do not actually like movies. Acquired for free.

6. The American Mall – MTV’s answer to High School Musical. Not a fantastic answer. A musical about people who work in a mall who are apparently allowed to stay in the mall at all hours of the day. The main girl’s voice (Mia on Degrassi, y’all) is so digitized, it’s insane. Acquired for free.

5. The Mighty Ducks 3 – Mighty Ducks? Classic. Mighty Ducks 2? Even better. Mighty Ducks 3? Straight to DVD. This time, all of the Ducks are accepted to the same private school, but there is a question of whether they’ll make the varsity team or not! Guess what? If the majority of the National Junior Olympics hockey team came to your school, they would be on the varsity team, no question. If the rest of you mofos on the varsity team were so good, you would’ve been on the Olympic team, but since you were not, I can only assume you’d be benched once the Olympians showed up. Acquired for free.

4. Normal Adolescent Behavior: Havoc 2 – A sequel to some rando movie I had never heard of and that I don’t think has anything to do with this movie. Basically, a group of friends have sex with each other constantly. Starring both Stephen from Laguna Beach AND Phil of the Future AND Joan of Arcadia. Totally weird. And somehow, I feel like I saw this for the first time on Lifetime as well, which is totes appropes. Acquired for free.

3. The one-two punch of Teaching Mrs. Tingle and Disturbing Behavior – The crown jewels of Katie Holmes’ late 90s reign over our pre-teen zeitgeist. I was in 7th and 8th grade when these movies came out and I don’t think I was allowed to see them and I don’t think I have seen Disturbing Behavior still. These movies are a graveyard of teen heartthrobs and also thesis-worthy if your thesis was about “movies that made teenagers convinced that school administrators and all other figures of authorities were out to get them.” Acquired for free.

2. Pinata Survival Island – Another movie so good that IMDB cannot decide what its title actually is. A bunch of frat bros and sorority hos go on an island scavenger hunt looking for pairs of underwear (no, really) and pinatas filled with alcohol. They accidentally break open an ancient, cursed pinata which then terrorizes and kills them all. Can’t get off the island because the boats are gone, their cell phones don’t work, and the general consensus is “our other frat bros will realize that we’re missing after a day or two and come find us.” PSYCH. Acquired for $1.

1. Boxing Helena – Basically, the story of a man who is so obsessed with this lady that he cuts off her arms and legs and keeps her in a box on his dining room table. THIS MOVIE WILL BLOW YOUR MIND IN THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE. Acquired entirely on purpose after my dad told me about it.

The moral of the story is: I HAVE FANTASTIC TASTE.