New Year’s Comparison

2 01 2010

I’ve been inspired by both reading through this old Livejournal of mine (in which every entry is either about a crush that I had or a party that I went to, which is kind of like reliving college through the eyes of the LAMEST PERSON ON EARTH. How were any of you guys friends with me, geez) and also by my new internetquaintance Be The Boy (who is endlessly entertaining and would probably cringe at these LAMEST PERSON ON EARTH entries).

These two things have inspired me to take a look at some old things I was thinking about during New Year’s pasts and see how they hold up to what I’m thinking about this New Year’s present.

I’d look into old resolutions, but I’ve only made one resolution in my whole life, and it was broken within two hours of New Year’s. Thus, I did not make any more.

INVESTIGATION: COMMENCE.

Before January 1, 2005, I looked back at 2004. Some things on my mind:

– Being in college for the first time.
– My brother being in the Marines.
– Having gotten major surgery that year.
– I got written up three times within like, 2 months of college? I did not remember this. Dennis the Menace.
– Generally balancing my high schooler tendencies with college expectations. I was a weirdo.

Before January 1, 2006, here’s what I was thinking about during 2005:

– My brother being in Iraq for a good chunk of the year. Scarifying.
– Creating and premiering my first film in college, Guerrilla Gorilla (which was well received, but was basically the film that almost wasn’t.)
– Joining a sorority. Laff laff laff, I still can’t believe that happened.
– Doing really insane things over the summer with my high school friends and liking them more after high school than I did during high school, which is still true. We went to the shore, Connecticut, and Canada.
– Being in crove with a billion people and apparently wanting a boyfriend really badly. For like, the whole year. So hilaribarrassing. Crove, of course, is more than a crush, less than a love. Crove.

Before Jan 1, 2007, I looked back at 2006:

– Spending 3 weeks over the summer in the hospital with the mystery disease. Turned out to be CMV, which it turns out most people just kind of have and it’s not a big deal. Not me!
– Participating in film, working on sets, being on the Studio 22 board. Making up for being an eff up frosh.
– Dropping out of my sorority. Short lived. Fun. An experience.
– Really not enjoying half of my roommates, particularly the pot head who literally stole my goldfish out of our house and kept him kidnapped at someone else’s house. I don’t think this kid ever graduated. And I don’t think I’m surprised.
– But, on the plus side, met one of my besties for life/the rest of college living in that house. Changed everything.

Before Jan 1, 2008, I looked back at 2007:

– Received a grant to make Slit and Commit. Living/breathing/sleeping the making of this movie. Loving and hating it all at the same time.
– Boyfriend dramz. Laffo.
– Living the dream with the roommates of Flop Haus 2.0.
– Turning 21. Loved it. So silly.
– Working for pay at The N for a couple of weeks. Also met the cast of Degrassi, basically rendering my life partially complete. At least my teenage hopes and dreams.

Before Jan 1, 2009, I looked back at 2008:

– Finishing, premiering, loving Slit and Commit. Cannes Film Festival, y’all.
– Graduating from Northwestern! Best and worst thing ever.
– Having a fantastic time finishing out college, doing ridiculous things, going to ridiculous parties, throwing ridiculous parties.
– Moving back home and starting to teach SAT prep class. Hilario Dawson in so many ways.
– Missing college, like whoa.

And finally, on January 1, 2010 (now January 2), I took a look back at 2009:

– Moving to LA. Biggest change in a long time. Still have mixed feelings.
– Still living at home for most of the year and honestly, really liking it, but knowing I had to peace out eventually.
– Trying, floundering at getting a real life, full time job. Will try harder in 2010.
– Working on the last day that the video store I worked at on and off for 8 years was still in business. Sad times. Except for all of the free DVDs I got.
– Having a great time making new friends and reconnecting with old friends. Bringing on a whole new bout of missing college, natch.

So, a good time was had by most during these last six years. Mostly all that has changed is my age. Hopefully a little more mature. Looking forward to a lot more good times with all of these people I’ve met. I like you guys.





Reasons Why I Am So Advanced

2 10 2009

I am fairly convinced that I am more evolved than most humans on earth. Not in a Hitler-y, “You know who I’m better than? Everyone” sort of way, but in a straight up, scientific sort of way.

If you don’t believe in evolution (I’m looking at you, 18 Kids and Counting family, because I know you use your monitored computer time to read this blog and who could blame you?) I think you’re crazy, but I will also respect your right not to believe in basic logic.

1. No appendix. You know what the appendix is good for? nothing. I was told during a routine look at my insides that they couldn’t find any appendix. Pretty sure that is the first step to evolution – losing vestigial organs.

2. No wisdom teeth. Never had to get them removed because they don’t exist. Missing out on what I’m told is a rite of passage into adulthood is fine with me because it led to another rite of passage into adulthood – braces. Not only do I not have wisdom teeth, I don’t have bottom 12 year molars. Not necessary since humans can (and, fingers crossed, will) survive on easily chewed macaroni and cheese.

3. Pale, pale skin. Why would they invent sunscreen if we weren’t supposed to use it? Pale skin = I am literally evolved not to do any work at all that involves toiling in the sun. That IS my doctor’s note, Dad.

4. Small ears. What are the outside of your ears even used for? Nothing, I say. My ears are so small as to be tiptoeing the line of bizarroland. Maybe not that small because they are still pretty adorbs. But, they are small enough to hear (their job) and not much else like get caught on things or cause childhood trauma (not their job).

5. Immune system wackiness. As I understand it, my immune system is so good that it attacks itself. Clearly, a gift from dear Mr. Darwin. In high school, we hypothesized that if I were to contract HIV, I would probably be perfectly healthy, as my crazy immune system and HIV’s immunodeficiencies would cancel each other out. I do not want to test that hypothesis.

——

What is a dentist’s favorite movie?

Answer: LAND OF THE FLOSS.

Acceptable Alternatives: Teeth, Gum and Gumber, Flouriding in Cars with Boys.





That’ll do, Glee.

30 09 2009

Glee is a phenomenon. Much like the plot of the show itself where the whole future of the glee club depends on making people think glee club is cool even though, by definition, it is not, the marketing campaign for Glee seems to be to convince everyone in the world that everyone in the world thinks it’s the coolest thing ever even though, by definition, it is not.

And it’s working.

I like Glee, don’t get me wrong. In a way that many hipsters are familiar with, the more I hear about everyone else liking Glee, the less I like it, unfortunately. And I am definitely no hipster. But I do still like it. Maybe when I first saw it I thought oh, there’s no way everyone in the world will look past all of these clear, character development problems. I’ll look past them, obvs, but not everyone in the world. Glee will get pretty good ratings and pretty good reviews, but everyone will have a problem with the characters, which will probably get improved in the second season, but maybe they won’t. But now, four episodes in, it seems like there are some serious problems with this show that no one seems to have a problem with. I blame it mostly on Twitter, where reading tweets from the Trending Topics section is basically like pouring malt liquor into your cranium – by reading what people write on Twitter, you’d think that no one had ever seen ANY television show before.

Glee is good, but it is not great. And I refuse to believe that I am the only one seeing these problems. I gave it a big ol’ chance and – I repeat – I do enjoy watching this show, but I cannot suspend my disbelief about the following things anymore:

1. That anyone would believe Kurt is straight. This is high school, y’all. There’s no chance in hell that someone who wears leather boots and knee-length cable-knit goes through the day to day without everyone in that school questioning  his sexuality. I would’ve allowed that his dad didn’t know (although, he did, which, props to him) but come on. Mercedes thinks he has a crush on her and wants to date him? Girl, get over it.

2. That a teacher-formed a cappella group would not be laughed off stage. Firstly, I don’t think there would be 5 gentlemen teachers in my high school that would’ve been able to form a functional a cappella. Secondly, if they did, everyone would be there to laugh at them, not WITH them.

3. That these student-teacher relationships are appropriate. Or really, student-everyone relationships. That Finn tells his Spanish teacher that his girlfriend is pregnant? Great. But I’m pretty sure teachers have an obligation to tell someone when there is a question of safety involved (aka, this baby’s safety) or at the very least, try and figure it out a little bit further instead of literally whispering about the situation in front of the whole glee club. He also had students over to his house to practice for Acafellas. Creepy. Inappropes. Then he tells his wife about it and she seeks out Quinn and shows up in her car and Quinn is barely – BARELY – creeped out? Come on.

4. That a man accused of sexually molesting someone would be allowed back into a high school – EVEN if the principal were trying to protect his own reputation. THERE IS NO CHANCE. Once this happened, I kind of stopped believing this show. That is a super serious accusation. Even if unfounded, he wouldn’t be let back in without a lawsuit. It happened on Degrassi. Snake couldn’t come back until he was cleared, fact. And since Degrassi is the most realistic show that I have ever seen in my life, sometimes more realistic than REALITY, than it stands to reason that this should not be happening on Glee.

5. That any school would allow a washed-up, boozed-out adult back into their school. They have the GED for a reason – so that gross, disgusting, hookers who are squatting in houses around town don’t actually come back into schools and interact with students. College, maybe. But not high school. I’m pretty sure our high school wouldn’t let anyone older than 19 be at school with children. Children. For plot? Fine. For life? Get out of my face.

I know that Glee is a subversion of real high school and it’s a satire and all kinds of five-dollar film analysis words. But if it’s going to be crazy, it needs to be totally crazy; having a couple of plot points that make literally no sense doesn’t work when the rest of the plot is supposed to be realistic. Go whole hog, or don’t. Your choice. I also understand that some of the insanity is what makes the show fun. But sometimes, all I can think about is how gross whatever is happening is. I mean, I don’t really want to get skeeved out by this show.

I’m hoping they’ll pull it together, either by becoming more believable, or by going off the deep end completely (because I fully believe this crazy bitch wife might nab a child in the finale). But as is, if they want to be more than just a cultural phenomenon for the huddled masses who also, by the way, like to tweet about misspelled things and whether Brazil loves Demi Levato or not, they need to pay attention to basic, character and plot construction.

Basically, tonight’s episode made me realize I have a lot of problems with Glee. And I don’t understand why more people don’t.





Top Ten Most Ridiculous Movies in my Possession

27 09 2009

Since I don’t want to do anything that I need to do to pack, I did the least important task first because it was going to be the most fun task.

Task: Organize all of the movies I own into two binders. No specific order. All labeled. It was quite a feat.

Realization: I have one of the most ridiculous collections of movies that has ever existed. The only saving grace is that most of the movies were free, a by-product of working on the last day that Village Video was in business. But seriously. I should be embarrassed.

The Most Ridiculous Movies in My Possession:

10. All You’ve Got – MTV made-for-tv movie about high school volleyball. Starring Ciara and Adrienne Bailon, so you know it’s a winner. Acquired for free.

9. 4 discs of episodes of Little Men – A Canadian show based on Louisa May Alcott’s sequel to Little Women. Acquired after a night of heavy drinking from Amazon.

8. Relative Evil – This movie is apparently so bad that it is listed as “Ball in the House” on IMDB, which I assume is some sort of working title/alternative title/who-gives-a-fuck title. Not entirely sure what it’s about. There seems to be drugs involved. Acquired for free.

7. Confessions of a Sociopathic Social Climber – This may be a Lifetime movie. I at least saw it for the first time on Lifetime. Jennifer Love Hewitt, doing it up as a total prostie bitch. The best part of this movie is the recommendations IMDB claims you will enjoy if you like this movie: Anchorman (what?), City of Shoulders and Noses (which, you may also like if you enjoy my movie, Slit and Commit, apparently), and Orgazmo (double what?). Basically, IMDB is saying that if you like this movie, it’s possible that you do not actually like movies. Acquired for free.

6. The American Mall – MTV’s answer to High School Musical. Not a fantastic answer. A musical about people who work in a mall who are apparently allowed to stay in the mall at all hours of the day. The main girl’s voice (Mia on Degrassi, y’all) is so digitized, it’s insane. Acquired for free.

5. The Mighty Ducks 3 – Mighty Ducks? Classic. Mighty Ducks 2? Even better. Mighty Ducks 3? Straight to DVD. This time, all of the Ducks are accepted to the same private school, but there is a question of whether they’ll make the varsity team or not! Guess what? If the majority of the National Junior Olympics hockey team came to your school, they would be on the varsity team, no question. If the rest of you mofos on the varsity team were so good, you would’ve been on the Olympic team, but since you were not, I can only assume you’d be benched once the Olympians showed up. Acquired for free.

4. Normal Adolescent Behavior: Havoc 2 – A sequel to some rando movie I had never heard of and that I don’t think has anything to do with this movie. Basically, a group of friends have sex with each other constantly. Starring both Stephen from Laguna Beach AND Phil of the Future AND Joan of Arcadia. Totally weird. And somehow, I feel like I saw this for the first time on Lifetime as well, which is totes appropes. Acquired for free.

3. The one-two punch of Teaching Mrs. Tingle and Disturbing Behavior – The crown jewels of Katie Holmes’ late 90s reign over our pre-teen zeitgeist. I was in 7th and 8th grade when these movies came out and I don’t think I was allowed to see them and I don’t think I have seen Disturbing Behavior still. These movies are a graveyard of teen heartthrobs and also thesis-worthy if your thesis was about “movies that made teenagers convinced that school administrators and all other figures of authorities were out to get them.” Acquired for free.

2. Pinata Survival Island – Another movie so good that IMDB cannot decide what its title actually is. A bunch of frat bros and sorority hos go on an island scavenger hunt looking for pairs of underwear (no, really) and pinatas filled with alcohol. They accidentally break open an ancient, cursed pinata which then terrorizes and kills them all. Can’t get off the island because the boats are gone, their cell phones don’t work, and the general consensus is “our other frat bros will realize that we’re missing after a day or two and come find us.” PSYCH. Acquired for $1.

1. Boxing Helena – Basically, the story of a man who is so obsessed with this lady that he cuts off her arms and legs and keeps her in a box on his dining room table. THIS MOVIE WILL BLOW YOUR MIND IN THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE. Acquired entirely on purpose after my dad told me about it.

The moral of the story is: I HAVE FANTASTIC TASTE.





Puke Puke Puke

16 09 2009

For many different reasons, I have thrown up quite a bit in my life. No, no, don’t pity me, those of you who claimed to have never thrown up (what’s wrong with you? Why are you so healthy?), it’s really not that bad. In fact, it is sometimes super hilarious.

The top 5 most interesting places I have ever chucked it up:

5. At my place of business: This is a four-fer; I’ve thrown up at most places I have ever worked. There’s nothing quite like realizing in the middle of a customer transaction that you are going to lose it all, going and losing it all, and then coming back and finishing your transaction. Due by 6? No problem. You need copies? BRB.

4. A church during a funeral: Really bad news bears. A bagpiper gave me a hankerchief from his pocket to wipe the puke off of my face and then suggest I keep it because he didn’t want it back. This one was pretty regrettable, but boy, did I look like the most upset mourner of the day.

3. In the car on the way to the morning-after-the-wedding brunch: My cousin got married in Cape Cod. The first time I had ever experienced the maxim, “Everyone’s 21 at a wedding.” The next morning was not pleasant, partially due to the No ID? No Problem! attitude of the bar we attended after the reception, partially due to the Raw Bar of seafood at the reception. This, coincidentally, was also the second strike against scallops on the books for me. The next morning, I threw up in the car on the way to someone’s house to have an outdoors seafood brunch (disgusting even if you are sober). Lucky for me, I rarely travel without plastic bags at the ready, just for this very reason. The initial throw up was not bad. But sitting in the car for a couple of hours while my immediate family was at the brunch and my extended family continuously walked by the sliding door of the minivan, generally heckling me, was the pits. Followed by the 3 or 4 hour ride back to New Jersey. Not one of my finest hours. Hopefully not to be repeated at this winter’s sequel, Your Cousin’s Getting Married 2.

2. Theater and Interpretation Center at Northwestern University during Basic Acting: This class was on Fridays at 10 AM. Not one of my better scheduling choices. Excused myself during Group 1 of the Improv exercise to get a drink. Puked my guts out and got back before Group 3 of the Improv exercise. Participated in Group 3 with flying colors – I believe we were pretending to be at a bus station and I was pretending to be a bus inspector from a rival bus station. I got an A in the class, no bigs. My favorite part? Girl in the next stall: Are you okay? Me: Yeah, it’s just a strawberry poptart.

1. The Vatican: In the lobby between the Sistine Chapel and the Vatican on the Euro Trip after high school. I gave the chaperones my full sob story, I was chronically ill and on new medication and geez, there is no good breakfast in Europe, I just couldn’t deal with it. True sob story: we got really drunk the night before because it is Europe and even though we were told not to do shots, we did shots. And then woke up at 8 am to go sight-seeing. And guess what? My little, high school body was not as seasoned at drinking as it would soon become. Once again, chronic illness saves the day and I don’t even get in trouble. On the down side, I did have to wash the throw up off my feet in the bathroom and then ride the Italian subway covered in vom dot com back to the hotel. A fitting punishment.

There are so many, many more places that I have puked in my life. While driving, at malls, at offices, on public transportation, at sporting events, at parties, at the movies, etc. This entry is also making me super nauseous, so I hope to stop reminiscing about all of this for a few more days.

——

What is a bulimic’s favorite movie?

ANSWER: Heaving Las Vegas, starring Sickolas Cage.

Acceptable answers: Pixar’s (Throw)Up!, The double feature Beauty and the Feast, followed by Cool Hand Puke.