A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore: Part Five

20 01 2010

Sadly, the favorite part of my week is almost over. Just one sad episode left tomorrow, and then our lives go back to being completely meaningless once again. It’s like Nietsche knew that eventually our society would see this very show, experience The Situation uninviting Sammi to Ravioli Night, the show would end, and then everyone would become totally nihilist. And he knew that something called Facebook would be around, and he would train his supporters to pass down the message that they should make a fan page for him after this happened. And then, everyone who used to be a fan of Jersey Shore would then go on facebook and become a fan of Nihilism and then he could be all like, “Take THAT, God!” and maybe get a ticket out of limbo. But probably not.

Long story short, I’m really going to miss Jersey Shore.

That said, here are some of my favorite Jersey Shore inspired sketches and videos from the past few weeks.

1. SNOOKI READS THE WEATHER

The style. The finesse. Little Schnooks has a bright future in squinting at teleprompters. Someone get this girl to an awards ceremony ASAP (which, corollary, when are the MTV Movie Awards? If anyone wants to lose some money, I’d bet you $1000 the cast gets to introduce a category. Or at the very least, a musical act. At the very VERY least, they’ll be involved in a video.)

Also, love that she basically calls the ladycaster an old bitch, backtracks with the Jersey Shore equivalent of class, and then proves that she doesn’t wear a Bump-It. Oh, Snooki. Whether there’s a Bump-It in there or not is not the problem. It’s the Pouf itself.

Double also, can’t believe that weather man wants to get with Snooki so bad. But in the words of ol’ Snook “I mean, if he came on to me, I wouldn’t tell him to get off.”

2. MICHAEL CERA BECOMES A GUIDO

It’s really hard to tell who has less of an idea who the other person/people is/are: Michael Cera or the cast of Jersey Shore. I guess the cast probably saw Superbad, but something tells me Arrested Development is like, eight steps above their intelligence percentiles.

No matter. Because it’s a collision of two of MY favorite things, and that’s what MTV should revolve around anyway – Sarah Hayden’s interests. Michael Cera trying to beat the shit out of whatever air pinata they fist pump into circa 3:45, and Michael Cera saying, “I can’t remember if I’m a medium Ed Hardy or a small.” One of life’s greatest mysteries, Michael Cera.

3. LITTLE JERSEY SHORE

I can’t figure out how to embed this, just check it out.

I love this. And I love that it may or may not just be a home video from the cast’s childhood and they have secretly known each other for years. Nothing better than adults hitting on children, and then children physically hitting the adults back. “You wanna play trucks?” Hells yeah she does, Pauly D.

4. THE SITUATION NICKNAMES CONAN

Unfortch, this clip does not have The Situation explaining how he got his own nickname (which is basically just him completely misunderstanding his friends, and then just going with it) but you can look that one up yourself. This clip is great for 2 reasons. 1: Snooki has to have a little box for her feet, even when sitting on a couch. 2: Conan’s sheer joy at landing such a nickname. And bonus great thing about this clip: The Situation in a velvet blazer. The fact that it doesn’t look like crushed velvet makes me think it’s actually velour. Which is much more Shore-esque.

5. THE CAST AS POSSIBLE CLASSICALLY TRAINED ACTORS

The only thing better than the cast trying to act like themselves is the cast trying to act like actors acting like themselves. I like to think that everyone is trying to pull off a British accent, but Pauly D is the only one that comes vaguely close. Since he presumably played an orphan of sorts in whatever all-guido elementary school production of Oliver! that he must have participated in to win an accent like that.

6. SNOOKI ON SNL’S WEEKEND UPDATE

I also can’t figure out how to embed this. Internet fail for me today.

This is just a fantastic impression. When things like this happen, I wonder if the people being made fun of see the clip and are either super offended or super into it. In Snooki’s case, I can assume she wants to get Bobby Moynihan drunk and smoosh him for paying any sort of attention to her. Why would anyone call her Garfield? “Because I’m bright orange and I love lasagna.” Also, back abs. Love it.

7. BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE’S JERSEY SHORE AUDITION TAPE

Bobby Bottleservice is a true class act. He loves his mother, and what more can you ask of a man? Additionally, Jersey Shore may have been the best thing to happen to him, since him not being on the show (or real) might be the worst thing to happen to America. Maybe season 2. Good work, Nick Kroll. A big step up from the Geico cavemen. Who, coincidentally, would probably also get along really well being on Jersey Shore?

If I keep looking for my favorite videos, I’m never going to get anything done for the rest of my life. Know that they exist. Just know

Next week: We say goodbye to Jersey Shore. Until next season, duh.

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Lady Gaga can read your thoughts

24 11 2009

…like, months before you have them.

Friends, I stand mistaken. Rather – I stand with some proof that most people would take as proof, but I’m going to take as evidence I can spin to still fit my conspiratorial theories. Mere days after first hypothesizing that perhaps Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson were the same person, I came across a remix of “Love Game” by Mr. Manson himself. Hypothetically, obvs.

Granted, this is not the official video, but worst case scenario, Gaga and Manson at least shook hands in the making of this song.

Also, this picture exists of them together:

Not incontrovertible, let's be real.

This all apparently happened in June-ish. To be fair, I don’t think anyone was really aware of how much Gaga was going to blow up in June. I mean, she was on Gossip Girl last week, guys. Girl’s gone wild!

So, for all intents and purposes, Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson are probably not the same person. Unless…

1. One of the above people is a stunt double. I hear that’s huge in the music biz.

2. That is not Marilyn Manson, but Pete Wentz.

3. That is not Lady Gaga, but Amy Winehouse.

4. Identical twins.

5. String theory.

BAM.





Is Lady Gaga actually Marilyn Manson?

17 11 2009

An ill-researched comparison.

I have been introduced to the Lady Gaga “Bad Romance” video and my first instinct was, as it is with most things Gaga related – this is TERRIFYING.

And then I felt something deeper, something… familiar in weirdo dinosaur dance moves and big huge eyeballs (even more familiar than those weird shoe ads in Cosmo that have been big eye terrifying for years).

I realized it was the same feeling I used to get watching Marilyn Manson videos – the intrigue, the “I can’t tear my eyes away because if I do, Marilyn Manson may or may not jump through my TV and tear my eyes away for me.” The WTF moment before I knew what WTF moments were.

Observe (if you dare):

Now, not the greatest comparison, but I am too scared to look for anything else Marilyn Manson related right now – it’s dark out. But, my preliminary instincts are that Lady Gaga IS Marilyn Manson.

1. Has anyone seen Marilyn Manson recently? More importantly, has anyone ever seen Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson in the same place? Any TV sitcom enthusiast worth their weight in laugh tracks will tell you that two people who are actually the same person can’t be in the same room at the same time! It’s SCIENCE.

2. It is not easy to duplicate that glow in the dark tan – believe me, us nearbinos stick together, and it takes some real work to not go outside ever and still have the kind of exposure experienced by Manson in the 90s and Gaga in the now’s.

3. These videos are vaguely similar. Maybe not perfect duplicates, but don’t you think your musical stylings/visual instincts would change a little bit over the course of 10 – 15 years? The catchy drum beat, the kabillion costume changes, the running motif of metal in or around the mouth. It’s all there.

4. Look at that bone structure! Marilyn Manson used to heart dressing up in lady parts, and Lady Gaga is developing a strong interest in both flames and catsuits. Coincidence? Doubt it.

Q.E.D.

Lady Gaga = Marilyn Manson