I know how you guys are getting here…

8 12 2009

… and I like it.

My favorite thing about WordPress is that they tell you the search engine terms that lead people to your website. First of all, genius. Second of all, hilarious. Most importantly, ridiculous.

Here’s a breakdown of how, exactly, my dear readers have been getting to me in recent days:

1. Searches for “Lady Gaga Marilyn Manson same person” or something along those very specific lines have netted a total of 24 visitors. Twenty four! So not only was this not as original of a thought as I previously expected (if you had been inside of my mind the first time I thought it whilst at a random party, you too would have thought I was geenz) but it is apparently not as far-fetched as expected either. We all kind of think Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson are the same person. I’d put a good three dollars on at least one of those visits being from Lady Gaga and/or Marilyn Manson. And three dollars to me is like, six million dollars to real people.

2. Searches for things involving the words “upside down” have netted 3 visitors. And not just any old search for “upside down”, but the following, very specific “upside down” things:

  • “Upside Down Puke”
  • “Upside Down Aquarium Secret”
  • “Why Can’t Humans Survive Upside Down?”

I’d really like to search these myself, because why can’t humans survive upside down? Or can they? I hope so. More specifically, I hope it’s a super rare chromosomal abnormality that makes it so certain humans can survive upside down, and these humans are going to do well for themselves when the gravity on Earth goes laffy taffy and people will literally have to survive upside down. Or in the future when people fall out of their spaceship cars and have to survive upside down until the spaceship tow truck comes along and with all the traffic that’s going to be up there, geez, it could take a while.

Also upside down aquarium secret? I’ll assume this is from some sort of video game. Otherwise my goldfish has some explaining to do.

3. Three separate searches for the Half Ton Teen or the 650 Pound Virgin have led here. I remember mentioning these guys several times on Twitter, and so I can only assume my interest in TLC shows has wound up on this blog through osmosis. Also, having a tag called “obpleasity” was probably a big help. But yes, these ones made me particularly happy about the internet.

4. Two each for Tom Arnold and Viggo Mortensen. Now if only Tom Arnold and Viggo Mortensen would respond to my dinner party invitations, we might all have something to talk about. Besides “Carpool”, obvs.

5. Random faves: “catsuits”, “puke nauseous”, and “quite possumbly.” Because what is a blog without a good mention of skin-tight pleather, throwing up on many many (god, so many, I’m sorry) many occasions, and the punchline of a joke that is only slightly decent? Nothing, that’s what.

The statistical analysis part of my brain has convinced the other, more worldly parts of my brain that all of these random searches must mean I am really accomplishing my original goal: write some totally random stuff, have no specific theme at all, and someday, totally random people will find you in really weirdo ways. Although the statistical analysis part of my brain only got a 4 on the AP Statistics test, so it could be a whole point off of what it really means.

But that’s okay.

—— JOKE ALERT ——-

QUESTION: What is an Alaskan’s favorite porno?

ANSWER: Up the Asskimo.

ALTERNATIVES: Glacial Facials, The In-yo-tits (like the Inuits), Polar Opposites (also possibly a RomCom or buddy cop film, but in this case, a mixed race porno), Teabaggin’ (because who doesn’t love riding toboggans?)





Weird Things I’ve Learned at Work Recently

7 12 2009

For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been doing research on celebrities (“work” is probably the most appropriate name for what I’m doing. Quotes included.) As such, I have collected a ton of totally random information about celebrities that I wish I could shake out of my head, but just can’t. In fact, these random facts are about the only thing I’m capable of remembering. Four years of college erased in several weeks of working.

1. First of all, the website www.celebheights.com exists and it’s exactly what it sounds like. And it’s not even definitive celeb heights – it is a database of what people THINK are the heights of celebrities past and present. Delightful.

2. David Bowie got punched in the face as a kid, which threw off his depth-perception for life. It’s also the reason why one of his eyes appears to be a different color than the other.

3. Ralph Fiennes is the 8th cousin of Prince Charles and, more importantly, is good friends with Jay-Z.

4. A kid from the last Harry Potter movie was murdered outside a bar? Uh… what?

5. Grace Slick was the first person to say the word “motherfucker” on live TV, all the way back in 1969 on the Dick Cavett Show. AKA she is an OG, duh.

6. Dr. Cuddy on House was a famous club kid in NYC in the 80s/possumbly 90s. Was friends with James St. James, was briefly mentioned in “Disco Bloodbath” as Lisa E., and was called one of the original ‘celebutantes’ by NYT. Now all she does is yell at House and not love him like she should.

7. Viggo Mortensen is an accomplished painter/poet/author. Go figs.

8. Gene Hackman has officially retired from acting. No word on coming out of retirement, as most famous people are wont to do.

9. Johnny Depp owns his own vineyard/winery/island. Though the vineyard/winery are not on the island.

10. All of the members of Kiss released solo albums on the same day in 1978, which counted as half an album each of their 5 album deal. Huge pre-orders followed by equally huge attempts to send them back. Ouch, Kiss.

Feeling enlightened? Me too.