Jersey Shore Migrates South for the Winter

14 04 2010

Or summer. Or whatever.

I, like everyone else on the internet, feel I need to share my two cents about the recent decision to move the next season of Jersey Shore to – gasp – NOT the Jersey Shore. And THEN the decision to announce that don’t worry, actually, Jersey Shore will take place mostly at – gasp – YES the Jersey Shore.

Because no one digs a little not-really-suspense more than MTV.

You can read the full story here – and by full story, I mean it will take you a full 30 seconds to understand the situation. See what I did there?

Let’s discuss how this decision will affect our lives:

1. The cast will include the entire cast, including Angelina!

Pro: It was discovered on the reunion special that Angelina may or may not (hint: yes) have some sexual history with one The Situation. Will this play out on the show? Will The Situation realize that he’s almost 30 and should probably start dating a woman who, though she is not interesting, at least has the least aurally offensive name of all the gal’s on the show?

Con: There are no second chances at the Jersey Shore, let’s be real. Except for Snooki. And Ronnie. And everyone at the Jersey Shore because if you black out every night, every night is a do-over!

2. They will be starting the season in South Beach.

Pro: There are probably more exotic forms of STDs to be found in Florida.

Con: I think that’s how the Native Americans died.

3. They’ll be coming back to Sleazeside!

Pro: In all seriousness, this will probably be really good for NJ tourism.

Con: It will mostly attract the kinds of creatures that many often take vacations to get away from.

Pro: At least all of the be-gelled juiceheads will be at Sleazeside, trying to catch a glimpse of these warlocks.

Con: How will the rest of NJ shore-goers entertain themselves with no be-gelled juiceheads to giggle at?

4. The article mentions a Jersey Shore casting website, started “in case the show decides to explore the option of adding new castmembers to the second season.”

Pro: A dream come true for anyone who watched Jersey Shore and thought to themselves, “I’m tan enough, I’m drunk enough, and gosh darnit, people like me! Or at least they say they like me to my face but still have not introduced me to anyone in their social group, for fear of judgment.”

Con: I am too pale to have a chance at landing on this show. Also, an intense fear that The Situation will grasp hold of a friend and when I try to take her away, I will unfortunately be forever known as “The grenade” on national television. And that I will sign a release because I’ll think that this was somehow a flattering way to be presented on national television.

5. We are promised “party-hopping, bass-thumping, emotion-filled escapades.”

Pro: They will have to top last season’s emotion-filled escapades. So I only assume Snooki will get shot in the face, everyone will get arrested, and someone will probably die.

Con: The only con is that the season doesn’t start until late July. What am I supposed to do until then?

All in all, I can’t get enough. I’m glad they won’t be staying in South Beach the entire time, though it would have been interesting to see what might happen to them. Poor Seaside Heights, though. I can’t imagine the residents of this town are excited in any way. Hoping to see some cast members getting egged on the board walk. Then going back to the house, drinking a bottle of vino, and eating a bunch of sausage. Entendre INTENDED.

***

JOKE TIME:

Question: What is another name for the Jersey Shore ladeez?

Answer: JERSEY PROSTITUTES.

Alternatives: Jersey Skanks, Jersey Slooters, Jersey “What-do-you-mean-there-is-a-totally-obvious-joke-here?”s





A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore: Part Five

20 01 2010

Sadly, the favorite part of my week is almost over. Just one sad episode left tomorrow, and then our lives go back to being completely meaningless once again. It’s like Nietsche knew that eventually our society would see this very show, experience The Situation uninviting Sammi to Ravioli Night, the show would end, and then everyone would become totally nihilist. And he knew that something called Facebook would be around, and he would train his supporters to pass down the message that they should make a fan page for him after this happened. And then, everyone who used to be a fan of Jersey Shore would then go on facebook and become a fan of Nihilism and then he could be all like, “Take THAT, God!” and maybe get a ticket out of limbo. But probably not.

Long story short, I’m really going to miss Jersey Shore.

That said, here are some of my favorite Jersey Shore inspired sketches and videos from the past few weeks.

1. SNOOKI READS THE WEATHER

The style. The finesse. Little Schnooks has a bright future in squinting at teleprompters. Someone get this girl to an awards ceremony ASAP (which, corollary, when are the MTV Movie Awards? If anyone wants to lose some money, I’d bet you $1000 the cast gets to introduce a category. Or at the very least, a musical act. At the very VERY least, they’ll be involved in a video.)

Also, love that she basically calls the ladycaster an old bitch, backtracks with the Jersey Shore equivalent of class, and then proves that she doesn’t wear a Bump-It. Oh, Snooki. Whether there’s a Bump-It in there or not is not the problem. It’s the Pouf itself.

Double also, can’t believe that weather man wants to get with Snooki so bad. But in the words of ol’ Snook “I mean, if he came on to me, I wouldn’t tell him to get off.”

2. MICHAEL CERA BECOMES A GUIDO

It’s really hard to tell who has less of an idea who the other person/people is/are: Michael Cera or the cast of Jersey Shore. I guess the cast probably saw Superbad, but something tells me Arrested Development is like, eight steps above their intelligence percentiles.

No matter. Because it’s a collision of two of MY favorite things, and that’s what MTV should revolve around anyway – Sarah Hayden’s interests. Michael Cera trying to beat the shit out of whatever air pinata they fist pump into circa 3:45, and Michael Cera saying, “I can’t remember if I’m a medium Ed Hardy or a small.” One of life’s greatest mysteries, Michael Cera.

3. LITTLE JERSEY SHORE

I can’t figure out how to embed this, just check it out.

I love this. And I love that it may or may not just be a home video from the cast’s childhood and they have secretly known each other for years. Nothing better than adults hitting on children, and then children physically hitting the adults back. “You wanna play trucks?” Hells yeah she does, Pauly D.

4. THE SITUATION NICKNAMES CONAN

Unfortch, this clip does not have The Situation explaining how he got his own nickname (which is basically just him completely misunderstanding his friends, and then just going with it) but you can look that one up yourself. This clip is great for 2 reasons. 1: Snooki has to have a little box for her feet, even when sitting on a couch. 2: Conan’s sheer joy at landing such a nickname. And bonus great thing about this clip: The Situation in a velvet blazer. The fact that it doesn’t look like crushed velvet makes me think it’s actually velour. Which is much more Shore-esque.

5. THE CAST AS POSSIBLE CLASSICALLY TRAINED ACTORS

The only thing better than the cast trying to act like themselves is the cast trying to act like actors acting like themselves. I like to think that everyone is trying to pull off a British accent, but Pauly D is the only one that comes vaguely close. Since he presumably played an orphan of sorts in whatever all-guido elementary school production of Oliver! that he must have participated in to win an accent like that.

6. SNOOKI ON SNL’S WEEKEND UPDATE

I also can’t figure out how to embed this. Internet fail for me today.

This is just a fantastic impression. When things like this happen, I wonder if the people being made fun of see the clip and are either super offended or super into it. In Snooki’s case, I can assume she wants to get Bobby Moynihan drunk and smoosh him for paying any sort of attention to her. Why would anyone call her Garfield? “Because I’m bright orange and I love lasagna.” Also, back abs. Love it.

7. BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE’S JERSEY SHORE AUDITION TAPE

Bobby Bottleservice is a true class act. He loves his mother, and what more can you ask of a man? Additionally, Jersey Shore may have been the best thing to happen to him, since him not being on the show (or real) might be the worst thing to happen to America. Maybe season 2. Good work, Nick Kroll. A big step up from the Geico cavemen. Who, coincidentally, would probably also get along really well being on Jersey Shore?

If I keep looking for my favorite videos, I’m never going to get anything done for the rest of my life. Know that they exist. Just know

Next week: We say goodbye to Jersey Shore. Until next season, duh.





A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore, Part Three

26 12 2009

The gentlemen, if you can call them that. I prefer “adorable scamps” or “douchebags.”

The boys of the Jersey Shore are interesting because they are portayed as being as dramatic and lame as the girls, if not more so, which is rare for an MTV show. Lest you think them too sensitive though, they bring it back to Shore-goer standards by trying at least five times a night to get girls to come back to the hot tub with them. Corollary: thank you, MTV, for being gracious enough to give these kids a hot tub. What would they do without one?

Now, let’s get right down to it. I am so attracted to all of these “juiced up, muscley Guidos” that I can hardly contain my excitement at describing them to you, dear readers. PSYCH. These men are seriously the kind of men that, were they the last men on Earth, I would either hope for immaculate conception up in that mo or just let the human race die out. And it would be fine, because they would be too busy showing each other their sweet dance moves to try to save the human race anyway.

PAULY D – 28, Johnston, RI

“Pauly D is Rhode Island’s most well known DJ and keeps a tanning bed in his house.” Firstly, Pauly D must be making some sweet cash to afford his own tanning bed (insert own mafia-related joke here, as even I will not stoop.) Secondly, being the most well-known DJ in Rhode Island is like being the best pizza in a room full of anorexics. It’s nice, but… does anyone care? Unfortch, Pauly D is the only guy on this show that has the actual, gelled-up Guido hairstyle that the internet has come to know and love. His hair actually looks like, were you to trip and fall and let Pauly D’s coif break your fall, it would no doubt impale you a la that girl who jumped out her window and landed on a fence post in “The Virgin Suicides.” Also, Pauly D is TWENTY EIGHT YEARS OLD. As in, way too old for this guy to still be down at the shore and trying to have sex with girls while his buddy is also trying to have sex with girls in the same room. The same room. Gross, Pauly D. Also, gross, girls who are obliging him in this practice.

RONNIE – 23, Bronx, NY

“He comes into the house with one rule: Don’t fall in love at the Jersey Shore.” Good rule, Ron Ron. Although I think everyone goes down to the shore with that rule in mind, perhaps amended a little bit to “Don’t get an STD at the Jersey Shore.” I’m pretty sure that’s what you meant, though. I get it. As mentioned in the previous entry, Ronnie invented perhaps the greatest term of American history – “smooshed.” As in, “had sexual intercourse.” He smooshed Sammi. This act of smooshing has put Ronnie in the compromising position of maybe – just maybe – falling in love within the 2 or 3 weeks that they have been at the Jersey Shore so far. Evidenced by the fact that he told Sammi, “I thought this house was the best thing that ever happened to me. But you are.” Romantic? Natch. But if the best thing that has ever happened to Ronnie in 23 years was going on vacation to Sleazeside forĀ  a few weeks to work at a t-shirt shop, but then it turns out that smooshing some girl with the personality of a fairly innocuous toaster is the real best thing that has ever happened to him, perhaps Ronnie falls into the category of people for whom considering ending it all is not necessarily the worst idea.

THE SITUATION – 27, Staten Island, NY

“Mike may have a sensitive side, but he has plenty of game to go with it.” Let the record show that I kind of love The Situation. However, I’m not sure that it can be called a sensitive side if said sensitive side is only used for getting ladies to talk to him and swoon for his abdominal situation. His go-to pick up line is ‘Seriously though, you look really nice today. You really do. You look nice. You do. You really do. Look nice.’ Very sensitive, The Situation. However, despite also being about 5 years too old for his antics, The Situation’s redeeming quality is a relatively biting wit and as much of a way with words as any of these guys could possibly hope for. He is easily the most interesting person on the show, due to his valiant attempts to use the word “situation” as a name, noun, verb, and adjective all in the same sentence and for coming up with the delightfully degrading term ‘the grenade’ for a less-than-desirable lady whom Pauly D politely falls upon so The Situation can hook up with her hotter friend. I predict by the end of the season, The Situation will get himself into a statch rape situation which he will not be able to ugly-face-hot-bod his way out of, wiles and lingo aside. Only then will he truly know what his namesake is.

VINNY – 21, Staten Island, NY

“Having just turned 21, Vinny has been waiting for this summer his whole life and is ready for a wild time with no boundaries.” This sentence shows that Vinny is the only person on the show with an actual reason to both be at the shore and be Shitty City, USA at the shore – the little guy just turned 21! Because his behavior is excusable despite being presumably deplorable, Vinny gets pretty much no camera time. Who wants to see someone young being young? We’d rather see two old guys being young. Thus, the only notent notable about Vinny is that he got pink eye that one time. And that everyone thinks he got pink eye from basically sticking his face in a fat lady’s ass. This sounds like an exaggeration but is not. Maybe Vinny will become important later on. My instinct is that, unless he falls from a great height into a roommate’s vagina, he will not. And that might be your greatest blessing, dear Vinny. Be free! Stay irrelevant and live your life as it was meant to be lived – respecting your mother and being a harmless stereotype!

It will be interesting to see what these douchers think about Snooki getting punched in the face and I look forward to the next episode for this reason and more. There are more parts of this series to come, namely: the punch, “interesting” other articles of both praise and prudence for Jersey Shore, the t-shirt guy, and perhaps a liveblog or three? If given the opportunity to be by myself in the house in the next few days, I may even go back and re-watch the other episodes of Jersey Shore and write down some thoughts scene by scene. This is how much I am fascinated by this show/devoid of emotional depth. However, since my family is awfully judgmental of my awful taste in television, I will probably be unable to do so without facing more ridicule.