My Absolute Favorite Activity

19 02 2010

I love it more than watching TV.

I love it more than drinking.

I love it more than drinking and watching TV at the same time.

My favorite thing to do, and what I think everyone’s favorite thing to do should be is: taking themed pictures.

Improv + Photography + Narcissism = Hilarity for you and your friends, Mehlarity for your acquaintances, Jealousy from your frenemies who are clearly not as fun as you.

All you need to do is get a camera or webcam. Have several friends. Be in front of the camera. Call out totally random things and take a picture of your interpretation. Rinse. Repeat.

Some examples from a weekend of photographical debauchery and hard-to-obtain-levels-of-delusional-grandeur:

“You discovered electricity, but then you got electrocuted.”

“You live in Appalachia, and this is the first day you’ve ever seen or heard of the internet.”

“You sneeze in the midst of a very important corporate presentation. Deborah saw.”

“Said sneeze makes you so embarrassed that you puke everywhere. Including on Deborah.”

“You see a homeless orphan child on the road, who asks you for money.”

“After taking a class in the Religion department, you finally have your first interaction with God.”

“You can’t be entirely sure, but you’re pretty convinced your identity’s been stolen.”

“You’re a passenger aboard the good ship Titanic and you’ve just been informed that not only is the boat sinking, but the life rafts are full.”

(please note firstly how well we’re taking it,
and secondly, how much my Titanic sinking
face looks like my gross orphan face.)

More to come from less recent themed picture extravaganzas. Also, a list of themes to get you started on your own little adventure into being the center of your own universe.





A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore: Part Five

20 01 2010

Sadly, the favorite part of my week is almost over. Just one sad episode left tomorrow, and then our lives go back to being completely meaningless once again. It’s like Nietsche knew that eventually our society would see this very show, experience The Situation uninviting Sammi to Ravioli Night, the show would end, and then everyone would become totally nihilist. And he knew that something called Facebook would be around, and he would train his supporters to pass down the message that they should make a fan page for him after this happened. And then, everyone who used to be a fan of Jersey Shore would then go on facebook and become a fan of Nihilism and then he could be all like, “Take THAT, God!” and maybe get a ticket out of limbo. But probably not.

Long story short, I’m really going to miss Jersey Shore.

That said, here are some of my favorite Jersey Shore inspired sketches and videos from the past few weeks.

1. SNOOKI READS THE WEATHER

The style. The finesse. Little Schnooks has a bright future in squinting at teleprompters. Someone get this girl to an awards ceremony ASAP (which, corollary, when are the MTV Movie Awards? If anyone wants to lose some money, I’d bet you $1000 the cast gets to introduce a category. Or at the very least, a musical act. At the very VERY least, they’ll be involved in a video.)

Also, love that she basically calls the ladycaster an old bitch, backtracks with the Jersey Shore equivalent of class, and then proves that she doesn’t wear a Bump-It. Oh, Snooki. Whether there’s a Bump-It in there or not is not the problem. It’s the Pouf itself.

Double also, can’t believe that weather man wants to get with Snooki so bad. But in the words of ol’ Snook “I mean, if he came on to me, I wouldn’t tell him to get off.”

2. MICHAEL CERA BECOMES A GUIDO

It’s really hard to tell who has less of an idea who the other person/people is/are: Michael Cera or the cast of Jersey Shore. I guess the cast probably saw Superbad, but something tells me Arrested Development is like, eight steps above their intelligence percentiles.

No matter. Because it’s a collision of two of MY favorite things, and that’s what MTV should revolve around anyway – Sarah Hayden’s interests. Michael Cera trying to beat the shit out of whatever air pinata they fist pump into circa 3:45, and Michael Cera saying, “I can’t remember if I’m a medium Ed Hardy or a small.” One of life’s greatest mysteries, Michael Cera.

3. LITTLE JERSEY SHORE

I can’t figure out how to embed this, just check it out.

I love this. And I love that it may or may not just be a home video from the cast’s childhood and they have secretly known each other for years. Nothing better than adults hitting on children, and then children physically hitting the adults back. “You wanna play trucks?” Hells yeah she does, Pauly D.

4. THE SITUATION NICKNAMES CONAN

Unfortch, this clip does not have The Situation explaining how he got his own nickname (which is basically just him completely misunderstanding his friends, and then just going with it) but you can look that one up yourself. This clip is great for 2 reasons. 1: Snooki has to have a little box for her feet, even when sitting on a couch. 2: Conan’s sheer joy at landing such a nickname. And bonus great thing about this clip: The Situation in a velvet blazer. The fact that it doesn’t look like crushed velvet makes me think it’s actually velour. Which is much more Shore-esque.

5. THE CAST AS POSSIBLE CLASSICALLY TRAINED ACTORS

The only thing better than the cast trying to act like themselves is the cast trying to act like actors acting like themselves. I like to think that everyone is trying to pull off a British accent, but Pauly D is the only one that comes vaguely close. Since he presumably played an orphan of sorts in whatever all-guido elementary school production of Oliver! that he must have participated in to win an accent like that.

6. SNOOKI ON SNL’S WEEKEND UPDATE

I also can’t figure out how to embed this. Internet fail for me today.

This is just a fantastic impression. When things like this happen, I wonder if the people being made fun of see the clip and are either super offended or super into it. In Snooki’s case, I can assume she wants to get Bobby Moynihan drunk and smoosh him for paying any sort of attention to her. Why would anyone call her Garfield? “Because I’m bright orange and I love lasagna.” Also, back abs. Love it.

7. BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE’S JERSEY SHORE AUDITION TAPE

Bobby Bottleservice is a true class act. He loves his mother, and what more can you ask of a man? Additionally, Jersey Shore may have been the best thing to happen to him, since him not being on the show (or real) might be the worst thing to happen to America. Maybe season 2. Good work, Nick Kroll. A big step up from the Geico cavemen. Who, coincidentally, would probably also get along really well being on Jersey Shore?

If I keep looking for my favorite videos, I’m never going to get anything done for the rest of my life. Know that they exist. Just know

Next week: We say goodbye to Jersey Shore. Until next season, duh.





A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore, Part 4

10 01 2010

FACE PUNCH.

Where to begin.

As a lady who has been punched in the face by both a dude and a lady (by choice, no worries here) and as a lady who has been punched in the face AND had it videotaped (also by choice, no worries again. Long story. I almost got kicked out of my dorm because apparently, asking someone to punch you in the face so you can see what a black eye is like is frowned upon at NU. Who knew? Everyone) I can’t understand why MTV would black out this punch during the actual episode.

1. You already showed it in all of the previews. It’s not like anyone interested in Jersey Shore has not already seen it.

2. The news went ahead and showed it like, six billion times. So it’s not like anyone interested in the news has not already seen it.

3. You show dudes getting punched in the face by dudes CONSTANTLY.

4. You showed Snooki get punched in the face (slapped/hit/maybe not totally punched) by a girl two episodes later.

5. You have shown way more effed up biz than Snooki getting Snooki’d. Um, Jackass, anyone? A lot of episodes of True Life, anyone? Tom Green’s testicular surgery, anyone?

So seriously, the only reason to black it out is to annoy me.

I’m no feminist, but I think showing boys hit boys, girls hit girls, girls hit boys, and NOT show boys hit girls is vaguely misogynistic. Maybe. Not totally sure. Either way, to put in a disclaimer about domestic abuse against women was a little over the top. I don’t think it really constitutes domestic abuse if they are not in a relationship and it’s just some rando drunkard punching another rando drunkard, boy or girl.

Obvs, poor Snooki. And in no way do I condone what happened. I just think, after having sat through people shooting up and people getting their testicles removed and people paper cutting all of the skin between their digits, I’m ready to watch a girl get sucker punched at the shore.

But besides all that.

HOLY CRAP, WHAT A TAKE DOWN! In a bad way. Snooki, bless her heart, took it like a champ. The chant of “Please don’t let me be missing any teeth” in the bathroom was particularly poignant. Because that would be anyone’s first instinct. Dentists are expensive, friends. And with several missing teeth, she’d probably have to get dentures, which means denture glue, which is sooooo not conducive to finding a hot, juiced up guido husband in Seaside Heights, NJ.

Although, my favorite thing to come out of this is the phrase “to get Snooki’d.” I went back to the ol’ Dirty Jerz for Christmas/New Year’s and found myself in a North Jersey bar. Nowhere near Sleazeside. And yet, these bars always seem to be filled with guidos because there are a lot of you-are-a-total-idiot-if-you-can’t-get-into-this-college colleges in the area, which sort of breeds the type of bar goers who also may be the type of people to own their own tanning beds. I’m not saying the kids on Jersey Shore are dumb. I’m just saying that maybe these colleges were their reach schools.

Every single time I have been to these bars, without fail, there has been a bar fight. You put a lot of people in a small space and put a bunch of made-up slooters in front of a bunch of disgusting, Christiane Audigier worshiping bros, and there’s bound to be some pugilism. Anyway, this particular night, it was probably a week or two after the epic facepunch episode, so Jersey kids were at their peak of national recognition. Some guy starts punching some other guy, and they are swiftly taken away from the bar. All is calm until someone yells out “That dude just got SNOOKI’D!” and then, the dogs were unleashed. Who let the dogs out? That guy, in the back. The entire bar – the ENTIRE bar – starts chanting “Snooki, Snooki, Snooki” as this dude is kicked out of the bar.

Forget The Battle of Morristown. Forget George Washington. Forget Patriot’s Path. This, this moment in the bar, was a true New Jersey historical moment. Someday, there will be statues of dear Snooki erected in our public parks. “Live free or get Snooki’d” they’ll say. The children will read about her on their whatever-will-be-superior-to-the-Kindle-in-2100s. Moms will name their daughters Snooki, only to have them be called “Schnooki” or “Snickers” in school, because no one will care enough about their weird, half oaf/half dwarf faces to actually worry about what their names are in the first place.

And it will be righteous.

For the five of you that maybe haven’t seen this facepunch, a link, which is a delightful music video-esque cut of all of the punches they showed up to and including the Snooki punch. AKA what they would show, and what they deemed too inappropes to show:

Oh, Snooki. We thought this was the end. And yet, you got punched in the face again this week. You, my friend, have a magnet for facepunches.





A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore, Part Three

26 12 2009

The gentlemen, if you can call them that. I prefer “adorable scamps” or “douchebags.”

The boys of the Jersey Shore are interesting because they are portayed as being as dramatic and lame as the girls, if not more so, which is rare for an MTV show. Lest you think them too sensitive though, they bring it back to Shore-goer standards by trying at least five times a night to get girls to come back to the hot tub with them. Corollary: thank you, MTV, for being gracious enough to give these kids a hot tub. What would they do without one?

Now, let’s get right down to it. I am so attracted to all of these “juiced up, muscley Guidos” that I can hardly contain my excitement at describing them to you, dear readers. PSYCH. These men are seriously the kind of men that, were they the last men on Earth, I would either hope for immaculate conception up in that mo or just let the human race die out. And it would be fine, because they would be too busy showing each other their sweet dance moves to try to save the human race anyway.

PAULY D – 28, Johnston, RI

“Pauly D is Rhode Island’s most well known DJ and keeps a tanning bed in his house.” Firstly, Pauly D must be making some sweet cash to afford his own tanning bed (insert own mafia-related joke here, as even I will not stoop.) Secondly, being the most well-known DJ in Rhode Island is like being the best pizza in a room full of anorexics. It’s nice, but… does anyone care? Unfortch, Pauly D is the only guy on this show that has the actual, gelled-up Guido hairstyle that the internet has come to know and love. His hair actually looks like, were you to trip and fall and let Pauly D’s coif break your fall, it would no doubt impale you a la that girl who jumped out her window and landed on a fence post in “The Virgin Suicides.” Also, Pauly D is TWENTY EIGHT YEARS OLD. As in, way too old for this guy to still be down at the shore and trying to have sex with girls while his buddy is also trying to have sex with girls in the same room. The same room. Gross, Pauly D. Also, gross, girls who are obliging him in this practice.

RONNIE – 23, Bronx, NY

“He comes into the house with one rule: Don’t fall in love at the Jersey Shore.” Good rule, Ron Ron. Although I think everyone goes down to the shore with that rule in mind, perhaps amended a little bit to “Don’t get an STD at the Jersey Shore.” I’m pretty sure that’s what you meant, though. I get it. As mentioned in the previous entry, Ronnie invented perhaps the greatest term of American history – “smooshed.” As in, “had sexual intercourse.” He smooshed Sammi. This act of smooshing has put Ronnie in the compromising position of maybe – just maybe – falling in love within the 2 or 3 weeks that they have been at the Jersey Shore so far. Evidenced by the fact that he told Sammi, “I thought this house was the best thing that ever happened to me. But you are.” Romantic? Natch. But if the best thing that has ever happened to Ronnie in 23 years was going on vacation to Sleazeside for  a few weeks to work at a t-shirt shop, but then it turns out that smooshing some girl with the personality of a fairly innocuous toaster is the real best thing that has ever happened to him, perhaps Ronnie falls into the category of people for whom considering ending it all is not necessarily the worst idea.

THE SITUATION – 27, Staten Island, NY

“Mike may have a sensitive side, but he has plenty of game to go with it.” Let the record show that I kind of love The Situation. However, I’m not sure that it can be called a sensitive side if said sensitive side is only used for getting ladies to talk to him and swoon for his abdominal situation. His go-to pick up line is ‘Seriously though, you look really nice today. You really do. You look nice. You do. You really do. Look nice.’ Very sensitive, The Situation. However, despite also being about 5 years too old for his antics, The Situation’s redeeming quality is a relatively biting wit and as much of a way with words as any of these guys could possibly hope for. He is easily the most interesting person on the show, due to his valiant attempts to use the word “situation” as a name, noun, verb, and adjective all in the same sentence and for coming up with the delightfully degrading term ‘the grenade’ for a less-than-desirable lady whom Pauly D politely falls upon so The Situation can hook up with her hotter friend. I predict by the end of the season, The Situation will get himself into a statch rape situation which he will not be able to ugly-face-hot-bod his way out of, wiles and lingo aside. Only then will he truly know what his namesake is.

VINNY – 21, Staten Island, NY

“Having just turned 21, Vinny has been waiting for this summer his whole life and is ready for a wild time with no boundaries.” This sentence shows that Vinny is the only person on the show with an actual reason to both be at the shore and be Shitty City, USA at the shore – the little guy just turned 21! Because his behavior is excusable despite being presumably deplorable, Vinny gets pretty much no camera time. Who wants to see someone young being young? We’d rather see two old guys being young. Thus, the only notent notable about Vinny is that he got pink eye that one time. And that everyone thinks he got pink eye from basically sticking his face in a fat lady’s ass. This sounds like an exaggeration but is not. Maybe Vinny will become important later on. My instinct is that, unless he falls from a great height into a roommate’s vagina, he will not. And that might be your greatest blessing, dear Vinny. Be free! Stay irrelevant and live your life as it was meant to be lived – respecting your mother and being a harmless stereotype!

It will be interesting to see what these douchers think about Snooki getting punched in the face and I look forward to the next episode for this reason and more. There are more parts of this series to come, namely: the punch, “interesting” other articles of both praise and prudence for Jersey Shore, the t-shirt guy, and perhaps a liveblog or three? If given the opportunity to be by myself in the house in the next few days, I may even go back and re-watch the other episodes of Jersey Shore and write down some thoughts scene by scene. This is how much I am fascinated by this show/devoid of emotional depth. However, since my family is awfully judgmental of my awful taste in television, I will probably be unable to do so without facing more ridicule.





A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore, Part Two

23 12 2009

The characters.

Oh, the characters. What’s not to love? I can’t decide what is the best way to enjoy these people: to forget that they are  real and just think of them as a kooky writer’s creation OR to remember that these are real people. That people literally exist who think that Elvira hair + a Bump-it + fake ‘n bake = a hot piece, not a hot mess.

Being from the green zone, I have the pleasure of not knowing anyone like this. Have I seen them before? God yes, as I have been to several less-than-desirable locales, Long Island among them (though it’s not as bad as Staten Island, trust.) I even saw people having their wedding reception on the boardwalk two summers ago. And by “wedding reception”, I mean “groom was wearing his best white FUBU sweat-outfit, bride was wearing a white tube dress + bobby-pinned tulle in her hair, their kids were in a red wagon being pulled behind them.” Romance was in the air, y’all. Fairly sure there was ice cream involved.

IRREGARDLESS (which you would say if you were actually from Sleazeside, fyi) – let’s do a quick breakdown on the wonderful people we have met thus far on Jersey Shore, based on their champ bios on MTV.com. Let’s start with the ladies:

ANGELINA – 22, Staten Island.

“She always has something to say and doesn’t care what anyone else thinks.” People who claim that they don’t care what anyone else thinks are my least favorite people, whether they are on a gross, gross television show or in real life. Particularly people who pose like this lady over here. And particularly ladies who, though her life on Jersey Shore was short-lived, spend all of their time cock-blocking people for no reason. Why, why cock-block your roommates, B? Because she is j-jealz that other people can get action and she cannot. Particularly because her “boyfriend” is married? Has she never seen a television or movie in the last 20 years of her life where the phrase “He’s never gonna leave her” is uttered? At least the rest of the people on this show are entertaining trash. Angelina is like the RA on the first floor that sometimes comes up to your floor just because she can and writes you up for a noise violation at 8 pm on a Sunday. AKA a big jerk. As much as she sucks, I’ll give her credit for producing my favorite line from the show so far: “I’m a bartender. I do great things.” Which was in reference to why hocking t-shirts was beneath her. Okay, dummy.

J-WOWW – 23, Franklin Square, NY

“Impulsive and spontaneous, Jenni is a party girl with zero self control.” Umm… this is kind of the meanest bio I have ever read, MTV. Did J-WOWW approve this? J-WOWW, you should probably get on that. As if they weren’t openly mocking you on television, they are now internet openly mocking you. Yeesh. Although, speaking of internet, J-WOWW has the greatest personal website and guess what – they’re hiring! So not only can you get signed posters on jwoww.com, but you can “get paid to party” if you look at the bottom of the second poster on this page. J-WOWW’s sidekick? Is that one of the “all positions open”? She’s kind of the best, let’s be real. Thinking about asking my hairdresser to make my hair look disgusting and then going up to a homeless man and asking him to rip all of my clothes apart because what am I going to do with a whole shirt? And then when the homeless man asks to keep the scraps, I’m going to be all like, “WWJWOWWD?” and take them back.

SAMMI – 22, Hazlet, NJ

“Her friends call her a sweetheart, but when it comes to guys she is a heartbreaker.” I’m not really sure I’ve heard anyone call this lady ‘Sweetheart’ since the first episode when someone called her Sweetheart before they even knew what her name was. Full disclosure – my mom is from Hazlet too. I spent many a day in Hazlet as a child. And I still find Sammi as boring as everything people usually think is boring. Poor The Situation, wasting his sweet, sweet, lady-getting talents on this lame-o. Congrats to her for the privilege of smooshing Ronnie. She alternately looks really skinny or vaguely chubby, it’s hard to put my finger on. Full disclosure – my fingers are usually covered in foodstuffs, so really, I should not be passing judgments. Also, did anyone notice when she was going to go mini-golfing with Ronnie and she was basically deciding between one purse, or putting that purse inside of another purse? My inkling is that this lady’s lightbulb is a little loose. And, having done well on my SAT’s, I feel comfortable making fun of her for that.

SNOOKI – 21, Marlboro, NY

“Her height has been as much of a strength as it has been an obstacle, and it will color her summer at the Shore in a big way.” Dear, sweet, innocent Snooki. You also have a totally weird bio. How is your height going to color your summer? Pretty sure your alcoholism, low self-esteem, and misunderstanding of why people are watching you eat pickles is probably going to color your summer instead. I’m not convinced that this girl knows what feminism is, but to say that she is pretty much the exact opposite of a feminist is only a vague exaggeration. My favorite example being when she started to eat her friends face like they were trapped in a space vacuum and sucking all of the remaining air out of her friend was the only way she was going to survive. Afterwards, she interviews that “that’s why girls kiss girls, to impress dudes.” Exactly, Snooki. Exactly. I hope this girl is aware that her stature qualifies her for handicap parking, which would really benefit everyone in the house. Also, never in my life have I seen hair like that. And never before have I wished that this would have come out prior to Halloween so I could have been her. Missed opportunity, MTV.

Next segment: The Boys. After that: SO MANY OTHER JERSEY SHORE THOUGHTS. Turns out I could probably write a paper on these kids. Will include: thoughts on the punch. Maybe I’ll liveblog the next episode. Though, sadly, Christmas is postponing it for this week. How can the Italians be so mad? At least MTV is celebrating Christmas like they would’ve wanted!





A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore, Part One

20 12 2009

Being from New Jersey, born and raised, I have the distinct pleasure of watching Jersey Shore from a perch of experience.

That’s right. I’m not only from New Jersey, I have gone down to the shore for most of the summers of my life. I’ve gone to many different parts of the shore – possibly even Seaside Heights (which is where the Jersey Shore people are and which, if you are a respectable shore-goer, you call Sleazeside Heights) – but mostly, I go way down the shore. Far enough down where you get away from the New York trash on the show. Unfortch, you start running into the Philly trash when you get far enough down, so really, there is no escape from outsiders invading our semi-fine beaches.

Let’s take a quick moment to map it up and see just what’s going on here. Geography up in this mo.

Break it down y'all.

Your “Jersey Shore” key:

Red dots – where these Jersey Shore kids are from. Please note – ONLY ONE is actually in NJ. There’s a big cluster where 3 different people are from Staten Island.

Red X – Seaside Heights

Yellow zone – Safe zone. This is North Jersey proper, aka a good place to be from. Above the blue line is too north. This is the boonies. This is where Weird, NJ type things happen. Below the line is too south. This is where most if not all of the Jersey stereotypes come from – accents, big hair, Bruce. You want to be in the yellow.

Green zone – The ideal sector of the Safe Zone. The pinnacle of Jersey balance. You live in NJ, but not near anything scary, you have enough highways to get to the mall, but you also have trees. Lots of trees. If you need to move to NJ, you need to move in here.

Green line – The part of the shore that it is acceptable to go to. Long Beach Island and south. If Seaside Heights did not exist, keep in mind that these people would end up in LBI, so you will probably want to venture even further south if you can. Remember: the further the drive, the further from New York you are.

Is this stuck up? You betcha. But you know what? For all of the crap New Jersey gets every day of the week, especially now that Jersey Shore is on and not enough people are fully aware of how Not Jersey it is, I think I am allowed to distance myself enough from these people to be stuck up about it. Green Zone, baby. Green Zone.

To Be Continued.





The Case of the Unclaimed Vomit

29 10 2009

In my effort to reinvigorate my abilities to “blog” and “document” and “beat the unemployment boredom”, this story is one I meant to write about a month ago, when it first happened and when it was still a big mystery. Correction: it still IS a big mystery, but not necessarily one that I think about anymore.

Which is probably good, because I believe I think about throw-up far too often.

The Crime Scene: Ms. Lady’s apartment. Ridge and Davis. Heavenston.

The Set Up: Several friends who have not seen each other in months, some in nearly a year, are gathered for a reunion of sorts. Like any good reunion, this reunion involves yelling and screaming into all hours of the morning and attempting to stay up drinking until 9 AM, when the Lady of the House has to leave to attend the first class of the school year. Flawed? Certainly. But some of us died trying. We made it pretty far into the night. Visits from other people we’ve known throughout our college years peppered the evening, replete with a lot of random pictures taken on a Nintendo DSi, of all things. There was singing. There was dancing. There was a secret tryst or three. There. Was. Chaos.

Circa 6 AM, all of the non-sleepover revelers had dispersed back to their selected homes and those left were the travelers staying over. We all survived another hour or two staying up. The Brothers Maguire passed out first. I stayed up with Ms. Lady until she actually did “pull herself together” (quotes because the effort was strong, but ultimately, not great) and go to class. Thus, I went to sleep around 9 AM, when she was gone and everyone else slumbering.

Dilemma: Sometime between that 9 AM parting and re-awakening around 1 PM to pee, someone in our midsts puked all over the bathroom.

And I don’t mean a little bit. I mean like, swamp conditions. You sunk my battleship sort of puke. It was everywhere. Too drunk/tired/confused/disgusted to do anything about it, I left it, used all of my leg muscles to pee without touching the puke, and went back to my spot on the futon.

Around 4 or 5 pm, everyone woke up and suddenly, the vomit was not as easy to ignore. This is a 3 BR, 1 Bath set-up, my friends. There is only so long that a bathroom can be out of commission with insides debris. After the Lady of the House cleaned up, the question still remained: who woke up in the middle of the night (or mid-morning, to most people), puked all over the place without waking anyone, left it without even an attempt to clean it, went back to bed, and then completely forgot about it?

The case was afoot.

Suspects:

1. Myself. I DIDN’T DO IT. Not only did I not eat enough to do all of that biz, I was asleep last, awake first, and apparently starting to sober up by the time 9 AM rolled around. Also I would’ve at least wiped the seat off. Probably would have left the peripheries as they were, but the seat would’ve been sittable.

2. Lady of the House. Doesn’t remember it. Went to class during the time that she would’ve puked. Although, curiously, she never made it to class and returned from her full day of classes circa 11 AM after giving up on going to class and having brunch with a homeless man instead. Curious indeed. She had the food. She had the time frame. But why wouldn’t she clean up her own bathroom? It doesn’t quite add up.

3. Brother #2. Passed out first, woke up last. Slept through at least 2 hours of conversation taking place right next to him. Didn’t feel this kid even roll over in his sleep on the futon, let alone get up and puke and come back down. Unlikely.

4. Brother #1. Our main suspect. Not the kind of kid who would ever clean up his own puke. Also definitely the kind of kid who pukes everywhere (one time while we were roommates he puked all over his bed and instead of cleaning it up, just put his sheets in a garbage bag and went back to sleep. Left the garbage bag in front of a fan to waft the smell throughout the rest of the house. Awesome). Spilled a glass of wine all over himself and the Lady’s bed and continued to sleep in it that very night. But does not remember vom-ing.

5. The roommate. This kid’s a wildcard. Everyone had just met him. He went to a bar for a long time and then came back – who knows what he could have eaten and dranken there? Pretty sure he puked at the bar though, so would he have had the stamina to continue to puke later in the evening? Seemed to stay in his bedroom throughout the evening. Claims it wasn’t him. Hard to tell.

6. The mystery roommate. In my four days at this apartment, I did not see the third roommate once. Is it possible that she came home for a few hours, puked, didn’t clean it up because she knew she could get away with it, and then left again? Possumbly. Sherlock Holmes wouldn’t rule it out, and neither will Sherlock Hayden.

Case Status: Still unsolved. No one will admit to it. The Lady of the House eventually cleaned it up (why was she so comfortable cleaning up the vomit unless it was her own HMMMM?) and the day continued eventually. All fingers point to Brother #1, even though he will deny it up and down. That shit-eating grin and past experience with projectile lots-of-things-ing in beds/bathrooms/bushes make it a little tough to believe this repeat offender.

All suggestions to solving the case welcome.