Things I Have Done at Work Today Instead of Working

14 01 2010

Among other things, natch.

1. Eat cereal. Ralph’s brand Apple Cinnamon Toasted Oats. A little more appley than Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, but for two dollars, you can’t really complain.

2. Eat a sandwich that I made. Yellow American cheese, turkey, mayo, lettuce, “classic” white bread. As opposed to New Age white bread. All I can really tell is that “classic” white bread is kind of too big for my sandwich bags. But just barely.

3. Eat a bagel with cream cheese. Also of the Ralph’s variety. The bag does not give a type of bagel outside of “assorted.” But they aren’t assorted, they are all one kind. But there are assorted things on them. The closest I can get is that these are everything bagels. Whatever. They’ll do.

4. Admire the new deodorant I got yesterday. Dove’s [something] and Green Tea scent. It’s the first step that I have taken away from Baby Powder smelling deodorant. On purpose at least. I have several times used other kinds of deodorant by accident. So far, so great. I smell delightful. Although the hand soap in the bathroom smells just like my old deodorant, which makes me wonder if I’m receiving signs that I made a mistake. Doubt it.

5. Creeped around on Facebook. Happy birthday, Chris Hejl.

6. Creeped around on Twitter. Every time I assume Twitter is something that is probably on Stuff White People Like, I take a look at the trending topics and realize that a lot of black teenagers with really creative typing slash spelling habits also like Twitter. Bizarro. “uknowurbreathstink” and “IfUCheatOnMe” are big right now.

7. Tried out about 50 different body positions in my chair to try to figure out what is the most comfortable way to sit. Accidentally fell asleep for a few minutes. Found a winner.

8. Spent about a half hour trying to remember my password to some random bank account I opened in college. Succeeded.

9. Spent another half hour trying to figure out if I can transfer all of the money out of it and close it without going to the bank. Failed.

10. Strategized about my Jersey Shore fantasy team on www.fafarazzi.com . Made a big mistake last week when I didn’t put Ronnie on my team because I assumed that since he clearly got in a fight (big points), but then got arrested, that he would be leaving the show (negative big points). In fact, he was NOT kicked out, and all of those points were wasted. Turns out there’s 2 HOURS OF JERSEY SHORE tonight, so I’m going with The Situation, Ronnie, and Sammi, as they’ll probably at least make out and give me some points.

Also, did some work. I’m great at research and making Word documents, just FYI, employers. Also, employers, please ignore the list above. If you were paying me (or, if anyone was paying me), I would spend considerably less time eating sandwiches and creeping around the internet.





Weird Things I’ve Learned at Work Recently

7 12 2009

For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been doing research on celebrities (“work” is probably the most appropriate name for what I’m doing. Quotes included.) As such, I have collected a ton of totally random information about celebrities that I wish I could shake out of my head, but just can’t. In fact, these random facts are about the only thing I’m capable of remembering. Four years of college erased in several weeks of working.

1. First of all, the website www.celebheights.com exists and it’s exactly what it sounds like. And it’s not even definitive celeb heights – it is a database of what people THINK are the heights of celebrities past and present. Delightful.

2. David Bowie got punched in the face as a kid, which threw off his depth-perception for life. It’s also the reason why one of his eyes appears to be a different color than the other.

3. Ralph Fiennes is the 8th cousin of Prince Charles and, more importantly, is good friends with Jay-Z.

4. A kid from the last Harry Potter movie was murdered outside a bar? Uh… what?

5. Grace Slick was the first person to say the word “motherfucker” on live TV, all the way back in 1969 on the Dick Cavett Show. AKA she is an OG, duh.

6. Dr. Cuddy on House was a famous club kid in NYC in the 80s/possumbly 90s. Was friends with James St. James, was briefly mentioned in “Disco Bloodbath” as Lisa E., and was called one of the original ‘celebutantes’ by NYT. Now all she does is yell at House and not love him like she should.

7. Viggo Mortensen is an accomplished painter/poet/author. Go figs.

8. Gene Hackman has officially retired from acting. No word on coming out of retirement, as most famous people are wont to do.

9. Johnny Depp owns his own vineyard/winery/island. Though the vineyard/winery are not on the island.

10. All of the members of Kiss released solo albums on the same day in 1978, which counted as half an album each of their 5 album deal. Huge pre-orders followed by equally huge attempts to send them back. Ouch, Kiss.

Feeling enlightened? Me too.