Whoops, I forgot.

12 02 2010

It looks like “about two weeks” is the time it takes for both me to recover from Jersey Shore and for people to stop ending up on my blog because of J Woww boob searches.

And now J Woww boob will lead people here again. Vicious, vicious cycle.

In actuality, I took the last two weeks to reassess my life plan and subsequent life skillz. A few too many drunk dials and I took two weekends off of heavy drinking, which was pleasant, if boring.

Also, I applied to grad school. Because my assertion that “I will never go back to school” did not hold too much water. Like every gallon of milk I seem to buy, it didn’t lose all of its liquid, but I had to put the remaining liquid in a big bowl and drink it with a ladle, risking mysterious disease. (That doesn’t happen to anyone else?) So I decided that now, not later, should be the time for me to get a master’s so that later, not now, I can be a teacher. When I’m tired of LA and I want to live in the suburbs and still be vaguely relevant to a group of teenagers. That’s the game plan.

This all boils down to “I was too busy to write things down.” I started working 6 days a week. Not pretty. But kind of hilarious sometimes. The giggles that transpire when I can’t think straight.

But, I’m back. I’ve got some time and thoughts today and since, for whatever reason, the ENTIRE OFFICE IS NOT HERE, I will probably write some stuff today. It’s hard to write without Jersey Shore in my life. J Woww Boob.

Today’s lack of office reminds me of the opening scene of my favorite Northwestern student film and my magnum opus of acting, Vomorama. Which you can watch right now:





A Jersey Lady on Jersey Shore: Part Five

20 01 2010

Sadly, the favorite part of my week is almost over. Just one sad episode left tomorrow, and then our lives go back to being completely meaningless once again. It’s like Nietsche knew that eventually our society would see this very show, experience The Situation uninviting Sammi to Ravioli Night, the show would end, and then everyone would become totally nihilist. And he knew that something called Facebook would be around, and he would train his supporters to pass down the message that they should make a fan page for him after this happened. And then, everyone who used to be a fan of Jersey Shore would then go on facebook and become a fan of Nihilism and then he could be all like, “Take THAT, God!” and maybe get a ticket out of limbo. But probably not.

Long story short, I’m really going to miss Jersey Shore.

That said, here are some of my favorite Jersey Shore inspired sketches and videos from the past few weeks.

1. SNOOKI READS THE WEATHER

The style. The finesse. Little Schnooks has a bright future in squinting at teleprompters. Someone get this girl to an awards ceremony ASAP (which, corollary, when are the MTV Movie Awards? If anyone wants to lose some money, I’d bet you $1000 the cast gets to introduce a category. Or at the very least, a musical act. At the very VERY least, they’ll be involved in a video.)

Also, love that she basically calls the ladycaster an old bitch, backtracks with the Jersey Shore equivalent of class, and then proves that she doesn’t wear a Bump-It. Oh, Snooki. Whether there’s a Bump-It in there or not is not the problem. It’s the Pouf itself.

Double also, can’t believe that weather man wants to get with Snooki so bad. But in the words of ol’ Snook “I mean, if he came on to me, I wouldn’t tell him to get off.”

2. MICHAEL CERA BECOMES A GUIDO

It’s really hard to tell who has less of an idea who the other person/people is/are: Michael Cera or the cast of Jersey Shore. I guess the cast probably saw Superbad, but something tells me Arrested Development is like, eight steps above their intelligence percentiles.

No matter. Because it’s a collision of two of MY favorite things, and that’s what MTV should revolve around anyway – Sarah Hayden’s interests. Michael Cera trying to beat the shit out of whatever air pinata they fist pump into circa 3:45, and Michael Cera saying, “I can’t remember if I’m a medium Ed Hardy or a small.” One of life’s greatest mysteries, Michael Cera.

3. LITTLE JERSEY SHORE

I can’t figure out how to embed this, just check it out.

I love this. And I love that it may or may not just be a home video from the cast’s childhood and they have secretly known each other for years. Nothing better than adults hitting on children, and then children physically hitting the adults back. “You wanna play trucks?” Hells yeah she does, Pauly D.

4. THE SITUATION NICKNAMES CONAN

Unfortch, this clip does not have The Situation explaining how he got his own nickname (which is basically just him completely misunderstanding his friends, and then just going with it) but you can look that one up yourself. This clip is great for 2 reasons. 1: Snooki has to have a little box for her feet, even when sitting on a couch. 2: Conan’s sheer joy at landing such a nickname. And bonus great thing about this clip: The Situation in a velvet blazer. The fact that it doesn’t look like crushed velvet makes me think it’s actually velour. Which is much more Shore-esque.

5. THE CAST AS POSSIBLE CLASSICALLY TRAINED ACTORS

The only thing better than the cast trying to act like themselves is the cast trying to act like actors acting like themselves. I like to think that everyone is trying to pull off a British accent, but Pauly D is the only one that comes vaguely close. Since he presumably played an orphan of sorts in whatever all-guido elementary school production of Oliver! that he must have participated in to win an accent like that.

6. SNOOKI ON SNL’S WEEKEND UPDATE

I also can’t figure out how to embed this. Internet fail for me today.

This is just a fantastic impression. When things like this happen, I wonder if the people being made fun of see the clip and are either super offended or super into it. In Snooki’s case, I can assume she wants to get Bobby Moynihan drunk and smoosh him for paying any sort of attention to her. Why would anyone call her Garfield? “Because I’m bright orange and I love lasagna.” Also, back abs. Love it.

7. BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE’S JERSEY SHORE AUDITION TAPE

Bobby Bottleservice is a true class act. He loves his mother, and what more can you ask of a man? Additionally, Jersey Shore may have been the best thing to happen to him, since him not being on the show (or real) might be the worst thing to happen to America. Maybe season 2. Good work, Nick Kroll. A big step up from the Geico cavemen. Who, coincidentally, would probably also get along really well being on Jersey Shore?

If I keep looking for my favorite videos, I’m never going to get anything done for the rest of my life. Know that they exist. Just know

Next week: We say goodbye to Jersey Shore. Until next season, duh.





This video changed my life

15 11 2009

I am a big fan of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” There was a bit of a rough patch in the middle, 2nd – 3rd season area where it was too much “We’re improvising. Can you tell we’re improvising?” and “We can say ‘shit’ on FX. Did you know we can say ‘shit’ on FX?” and not enough just straight up terrible people doing terrible things.

This current season has come back to all of the glory of the 1st. I consistently laugh out loud (Lawling, I believe it’s called) while watching this show, even if I’m by myself, which is not lame, you jerks. Instead, I am just being provided with jokes that you cannot possibly avoid laughing at. Most notably during the episode “The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention” – I lost my shit when Charlie salted Gail the Snail.

This week, I was again presented with a roflcopter moment. Within the first 10 seconds of the episode. The Kitten Mittons infomercial is suddenly my favorite thing to happen on television this month. And makes me wish I had a cat and that kitten mittons were real so that I could buy some and outfit said cat and laugh all day long.

Please, for the love of all things tv, enjoy this.