Conversations with Zappa

19 09 2009

INT. HAYDEN HOUSEHOLD – DAY

Zappa and Sarah are hanging out, watching TV, doing regular daytime stuff. Zappa is getting restless.

Sarah: Do you need to go out?

Zappa: Well, yes, but I don’t want to trouble you.

Sarah: It’s okay. I was just about to lay down and take a nap, but okay.

Zappa: I can tell you’re upset, we don’t have to go out.

Sarah: Really?

Zappa: No, we do, I have to pee.

Sarah and Zappa stand and approach the door, in perfect synch. Sarah opens the door. Zappa pauses.

Sarah: Go.

Zappa: Aren’t you… aren’t you coming?

Sarah: I pee inside.

Zappa: Sometimes.

Sarah: ZING!

Zappa: No, seriously, aren’t you coming?

Sarah: Ugh, fine, I will stand outside with you.

Zappa: Okay, but I cannot go to the bathroom unless you are within 5 feet of me, so you will have to walk around with me as if I am on a leash, but I won’t be on a leash, I will be in our fenced-in backyard, ignoring my ability to run freely like a regular dog.

Sarah: Fine, I will walk around.

Zappa and Sarah proceed to walk around the backyard, smelling EVERYTHING. Zappa seems like she’s ready to pee.

She hesitates.

Sarah: What’s your problem?

Zappa: Don’t watch.

Sarah: I’m not watching.

Zappa: I can’t go if you are making eye contact with me.

Sarah: Zappa, I am not even looking at you.

Zappa: Well, look at me, but don’t make eye contact.

Sarah: YOU ARE THE WEIRDEST EFFING DOG.

Zappa: I KNOW.

END SCENE.





A conversation between me and my dog

3 09 2009

My dog, Zappa, is the weirdest effing dog on the books. She is more of a needy lez girlfriend than a dog.

INT. HAYDEN HOUSEHOLD, 11:30 AM.

Sarah and Zappa have just come downstairs after a good night’s sleep. No one else is home, which seems to put Zappa on edge.

Sarah: Do you want to go out?

Zappa: No, not really.

Sarah: Do you want a dog biscuit?

Zappa: Don’t patronize me, it’s only 11:30 AM.

Sarah: Do you want to scratch up the leather couch before Dad gets home and yells at you?

Zappa: Well… no. No, we did that yesterday, didn’t we?

Sarah: You did. I’m a human.

Zappa: Right.

Sarah: Do you want to lay on your bed and ignore me?

Zappa: Meh… not really.

Sarah: How about staring out the window and growling at the little kids that you want to eat?

Zappa: I guess I could.

Sarah: But you don’t want to.

Zappa: Not right now.

Sarah: Do you want to just sit on my feet in the middle of the kitchen floor so I can’t go anywhere or do anything without upsetting you?

Zappa: YES, YES THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT.

END SCENE.

Zappa, you’re a real jerk sometimes.

——

What do you call a lottery ticket for dogs?

A DOG SCRATCHER.

Other acceptable answer: “You Lucky Dog”, 101 Dalmatian Chances, A Winner Dog.