Finally, the internet fame I’ve always dreamed of

25 07 2010

It took me until right now to realize that the picture I submitted to Passive Aggressive Notes made it on to the website. Very pleased. I need to check the internet more often.

Here it is, in all its glory:

Daddy, Why Are All The Cages Empty?

Only wish I’d realized earlier so that I could have capitalized off of all of this fame. T-shirts. Buttons. A raise at work. A true missed connection with my life.

Still, because it makes me happy and because it wasn’t on the original post, allow me to share another passive aggressive sign from the same zoo, taken by my dear bestie, Paul.

Firstly, the original picture from the post:

The original

And secondly, the BONUS MATERIALS:

The DVD extras

My favorite part is question 5. Seems like about 25 minutes – tops – of google searching would provide a better answer. But what do I know, I’m just a zoo enthusiast. An enzoosiast if you will. Yes, you will.

I already wrote about the zootravaganza when it happened last summer in real time. Just know that on my trip back to the shore this summer, I will do my best to re-visit our dear friends and see if any of them are still alive. Fingers crossed for our favorite, this weirdo half-chicken, half-duck looking mofo:

Affectionately deemed “Chuck” by Paulie.

That is all. Brushes with near-D-list-celebdom like this remind me that I really ought to write more. Also, use the word “ought” more.

Advertisements




A Topical Post about Newsworthy Affairs.

3 12 2009

There has been a lot of news recently regarding Tiger Woods. Poor little guy, maybe getting hit in the head with a golf club, maybe just being in a weird accident, maybe getting with two hot chicks at the same time. I’m sure he’s okay because I am sure he is made of Kevlar. It would explain a lot.

But how is the rest of his species dealing with this crisis?

An Open Letter to the other Tigers of the world,

Dear Tigers,

Hi guys. It’s me, Sarah Hayden. You may have seen me seeing some of you when I went to like, a million zoos over the summer. There actually weren’t too many of you there, but maybe you heard about it. Maybe you read my blog. I don’t know what tigers do all day. What do you guys do all day? Go to the mall? Oh… MAUL things? Got it. Cool!

How are you? Are you upset about your friend Tiger Woods? I bet you read about that on your blogs. I just wanted to show some support for you, let you know that some of us regular people are thinking about you. I mean, I was a cat for Halloween, so you know. Some of my best friends are cats. Actually, that’s not true. They’re people. I hope that didn’t come off as facetious. I only meant to make you comfortable speaking with me, but now I feel as though I may have offended you. Man, the news is right. Racism is tough!

Have you guys thought about not being striped anymore? I mean, not to be rude, but orange and black stripes? A little gauche. You should check out what your bros in Siberia are doing – the all-white thing. It’s really fantast- oh, this is getting racist again. I’m not saying that white tigers are BETTER than regular tigers. I’m just saying maybe that color would suit you as well. Maybe it would help you get your confidence back, make you a little more blendy-inny than orange and black stripes. Although maybe orange and black is pretty blendy-inny in the jungle? I’m not totally sure, I’ve never been there. I’m from New Jersey. No, the good part of it. No, the part without all the hair gel. Yeah, that part.

I fear I’ve offended you again, tigers, I’m sorry. I’m just trying to say – if you need someone to talk to during this mess, you need a shoulder to cry on, I’m here for you. Like I said, I was a Halloween cat. I know what it’s like to be in your situation – people trying to hit you with golf clubs, getting gross animal guts under your claws, being on cereal boxes even on days when you’re like “no, maybe not today” – I get it. So, if you need to talk, just let me know. You can email me if you want, or just reply to my blog. Or maybe next time I go to the zoo (which might be pretty soon, let’s be real – I mean does this girl have a life or WHAT, am I right, tigers?) you can just kind of stare at me blankly like you hate your life, and I’ll know that that means you’ve heard me.

I got yo back, tigers.

Warm regards,

Sarah Hayden, Esq.





Putting the “I guess…” in “Guestimation.”

8 09 2009

Based on these two descriptions, which one would you think is the better zoo?

Zoo #1: The Cohanzick Zoo was the first zoo in New Jersey, established in Bridgeton City Park in 1934. The zoo has more than 200 birds and mammals from around the world and emphasizes the fauna of Asia and South America, including monkeys, bears, big cats, crocodiles, and snakes. A favorite for visitors is the White Tiger exhibit. Admission is free.

or

Zoo #2: The Cape May County Zoo, a wooded park area off Exit 11 of the Garden State Parkway on Route 9, is home to nearly 200 different species of mammals, birds, amphibians, and reptiles. Special exhibits include the World of Birds, Reptile and Amphibian House and an African Savanna. The large park area includes pavilions. a spacious playground area and biking trails.

On the one hand, the first zoo description only says “200 birds/mammals” as opposed to species, meaning they are probably counting individual animals here. But the second zoo description seems to be mostly about the park surrounding the zoo instead of the zoo itself. So, if you are like me, you would assume that the first zoo in New Jersey was definitely the better pick.

You would be WRONG.

What the brochure fails to mention is that of those 200 birds/mammals, they must be counting the hundred plus Canadian geese that have taken up residency in their alleged zoo. Once again, proof that the zoo businessmen of South Jersey need to put on their logic caps and keep the regular animals out of the actual animals’ exhibits. The brochure also fails to mention the extremely sad FAQ signs that greet you at the entrance to the zoo, posted on the glass of an empty cage.

FAQ 1: Where are all of your animals?

Answer: Animals get old & die. This year has been particularly rough, as we have lost 2 ocelots, several monkeys, and both of our reindeer.

FAQ 2: Can’t you get replacement animals?

Answer: It is harder to get animals that are suited for our enclosures than you think. It is too hard to transport animals in the summer because it is so hot they often die.

FAQ 3: Why don’t you build some more exhibits?

Answer: If you have $100,000 that you no longer need, we would be happy to build new exhibits.

All of these signs could have been condensed into a single sign:

“Dear Zoo-Goers:

FUCK YOU.

– Mgmt.”

Although I applaud their honesty, it really drew attention to the sad state of affairs at New Jersey’s first zoo. They need a little old man at the entrance to guilt people into making donations, like the Cape May County Zoo did. That is where the real money is.

Still, there were about 30 animals there (not counting dumb geese, ducks, and even more free-range peafowl) that were relatively cool. They had a white tiger. The signs claimed there were two, but I only saw one and given the tone of the other signs, I am more inclined to trust my eyes than theirs. They had a funny looking little bear. They had a mountain lion/big cat of some sort. Sadly, these animals were all super bored and took to pacing around, trying to coax the dumb geese and ducks to get close enough to eat.

A mom and little girl were feeding bread to all of the geese, ducks, and swans as we walked around. Thus, we had a herd of fowl following us around. And by following, I mean coming within inches of us. If I thought that birds had noses, I swear they would have been all up in our biz, sniffing us up and down like a dog when you smell like another dog. It was insane. And made me wish I had bread of my own so I could have captured one and taken it home.

The bird I most wanted to capture was this weird hybrid chicken/duck. We took to calling them chucks. It had all the coloring of a regular farm chicken, but webbed feet and weird skin stuff on their beaks like ducks. They were ridiculous and loved people and seriously wagged their tails at you. So, despite the extremely misleading advertising, I believe this trip was worthwhile because of my introduction to chucks.

Pictures will be forthcoming, I hope.

Additionally, we ate dinner at a bar with no name, no windows, no easily recognizable front door, that had been recommended to my dad by one of his fraternity brothers. Upon entering, this conversation occurred:

Dad: There’s blood on your stairs.

“Cosmo” the Bartender: Those stairs? No, that’s paint.

Dad: No, those stairs.

Cosmo: Oh, those stairs? Yeah, that’s blood.

Needless to say, dinner was delish.

——

What is an alternate name for the Cohanzick Zoo?

ANSWER: ZOOP

Alternate answers: “False advertising”, Oh Man’s Sick Zoo, Sadness.





A Salty Engagement: Part Two

8 09 2009

While I formulate my thoughts on the most depressing zoo in the history of zoos, please entertain yourself with my first excerpt from the soon-t0-be-legendary joint venture, “A Salty Engagement.” Read the first part and whatever upcoming parts we create at: pruse.wordpress.com

Part Two: The Depths of Tom Arnold

“Hey look, it’s Tom Arnold!” Paul nearly screeched in delight, having been one of Mr. Arnold’s biggest fans since that seminal film, The Stupids (1996).

Tom took cover instantaneously, covering his body from the impending deluge of fans he was sure Paul’s yell would send his way. None came.

Tom turned his attention back to Telly who had, in fact, evacuated her insides once more. Utterly devoid of stuffing at this point, Telly wiped some spittle from her lips and squinted hard at Tom. Sarah took the building tension as a sign to go get some ice cream. She was pregnant, after all, and would appreciate it if you would not judge her.

“Tom Arnold. We meet again. I’ll thank you not to comment on my body’s projectiles.”

“I’ll comment on whatever I please. I think you owe me that, after what we’ve shared in the past.”

Telly shuddered. “It was one night, Tom. One stupid, crack cocaine filled night. If I had been old enough to watch Roseanne and realized you’d been married, I most certainly wouldn’t have obliged your requests.”

Sarah made it back, working on her second double scoop, and stood next to Paul to watch the conversation between Tom and Telly. The wedding would have to wait, as anything involving Tom Arnold was bound to be way more important and interesting. “Oh right. You guys fucked, right?” Paul yelled, fueling the fire. He was having trouble controlling the volume of his voice, not to mention the fact that his proximity to his idol was making it hard to control the flow of his thoughts.

“Paul!” Telly whispered, slapping him across the face.

“We made love,” Tom Arnold whispered, the heat rising in his cheeks like a small hobo village that’s been set ablaze. “It takes a real man to make love.”

Paul was brought to tears nearly at the eloquence of Mr. Arnold, an eloquence he had rarely heard since Mr. Arnold’s uncredited appearance in “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery.” Paul turned to his love, his blushing bride, in the hopes that merely witnessing this sentiment would put all of their hopes and fears to rest.

Unfortunately, Sarah had wandered away, a cell phone held to her ear. The phrase “How long is your longest footlong?” could be heard, wafting in the wind.





How we are spending our cloudy day at the shore.

8 09 2009

Besides going to another FREE ZOO (this one has more than 200 species, as opposed to nearly 200 species. A difference of at least 3 species, who’s excited?) Paul and I are also starting a fan fiction story about our own fictional lives. Because we are fans of ourselves.

Read the first installment here: pruse.wordpress.com

And prepare yourself for the next installment, coming shortly after the Cohanzick Zoo extravaganza.





A Day at the Cape May County Zoo

4 09 2009

Today, on the first full day of Shore Time Extravaganza, Telly and I decided to expand our minds, improve our lives, and generally enjoy some wilderness by visiting the Cape May County Zoo. This was also an attempt to improve our life-ruining karma and counteract whatever immoral acts may occur in Atlantic City tonight. (Hookers? Still illegal, unfortch.)

I haven’t been to a zoo in several years, but I was impressed that a small, donation-based zoo had some pretty sweet animals. Notent notables:

– Lion
– Tiger
– Zebras
– Giraffes
– Red Panda
– Ocelot

Zoo staples that were mysteriously absent, possibly eaten by other zoo animals:

– Orangutans
– Spider monkeys
– Polar brrrs
– Penguins
– Prairie dogs

It was a really nice zoo, all things considered, even though I felt bad that most of the animals did not have animal buds to keep them company. Perhaps that was what the suggested donations were for: “Do you have a couple bucks? We’re trying to find a roommate for our Lion.” How boring to be an animal with literally nothing else going on in your cage. The lemurs had buds. The black bear had buds. But only one lion, one tiger, one red panda. I mean geez, you have three alligators and they probably either hate each other or don’t even realize that they are with other alligators and not just a couple of bumpy logs. Why don’t you trade some of your dumber animals (why does every zoo in New Jersey think that they need a “white tailed deer” exhibit? It’s called “my backyard”) and get cagemates for the guys who live in packs in the wild? An extra lion is probably equal to your entire duck pond and a couple of extra sea turtles.

I was nearly struck blind with cuteness when I realized how many types of animals like to spoon. Black bears spooning? Adorable. Lemurs spooning ON A TIGHT ROPE? Dangerously adorable. Gigantic turtles necking? BLEEEHHHHH I just threw up from adorableness. Not as cute? Snakes cuddling. That’s just lazy.

The zoo also featured many, many birds that were allowed to leave their enclosures and walk around. Maybe not a great business plan to let animals in AND out of your zoo. Have you learned nothing from Night at the Museum? You are inviting chaos into your zoo. The guineafowl and peafowl exhibit featured more seagulls than peacocks. Seagulls, you were not invited to be in the zoo. You have no business trying to strut your stuff next to a majestic peacock. Pack your crap and get the heck out. There were squirrels running in and out of the parrot cages, picking up extra parrot food. A chicken had escaped and was chilling out with the goats. I think a fairly important part of any zoo is organization. What does it say about you, the zoo, when you let ducks and seagulls do whatever they want? It says that you are letting the animals control you. Cape May County, you need to man up. Tell those birds they can stay in their own houses, or they can rent elsewhere. Separate but equal, y’all.

Also, the roaming guineafowl and peafowl posed a serious threat to our dear friend Telly, previously traumatizedĀ  by a large bird encounter. You know how little kids love to grab grab grab things? And you know how little kids flock to zoos and seem to multiply once they get inside? Yeah, your birds are going to get attacked. Tell them to stay off the grounds.

But, all in all, a very successful day since I got to feed a goat. And heard the phrase, “What is this, the baby petting zoo?” uttered outside of the waiting area for the carousel. You pet those babies, hefty sir. If the seagulls can do whatever the fuck they want, so can you.

——

What phrase is commonly uttered by teenage lemurs to their parents?

LEMUR ALONE, YOU’RE RUINING MY LIFE.

Other acceptable answers: “Does my wide-striped tail make me look fat?” “Stop judging my interracial relationship with this tamarin.”